muppets characters who look like real people

Gonzo                                                                                            Peter Barlow

Sam the Eagle                                                              Paxbitch

              

Janice                                                                        orange leather jacket with yellow hair

Facts about beds

1. The first bed was invented in 500AC in Florence, Italy - or as it was then known - Bedlam - by a man called Guiseppe Bedrik.

2. If you tip your bed over to the side and put it against your door, it makes a really good shield from zombies.

3. If you're unlucky enough to get bedbugs, get a fat person with loads of sugary blood to sleep in your bed. They'll drink his/her blood and die.

45. If you don't have a bed, you can make one using a sack and some hay. If you don't have hay then you could just use back hair or any other furry alternative, like roadkill.

9. A good mattress should last you forever, much like a good washing machine or a good haircut.

5. Some beds are illegal and have drugs stuffed into the mattresses. If you have a child who sleeps too much, then rip apart their mattress to make sure it's not stuffed with heroin.

1. Metal beds are ideal for goths, whereas divan beds are ideal for those who would probably be in hufflepuff if they went to Hogwarts.

83. Silk sheets are good for arthritis and social diseases.

2. Spilling tea on your bed is an omen - it means that you might get a disease one day.

1. If you sleep for less than 10 minutes per night, then you're 8x more likely to develop magical powers.

BLOKES WE DATE AND THEN HATE

Most girls I know have gone out with all, at least one of these types of males.

Now, I know you're probably thinking "Oh Holly, stop stereotyping us, we're all so good and wholesome". Actually you're all rubbish. ALL OF YOU. 

Look at you, with dribble on your hairy chin and the chocolate stains on your grey jogging bottoms. How beautifully they go with your novelty 'Family Guy' tshirt. You BASTARD.

ANYWAY....

THE "MY TEARS AND SOUL ARE BLACK" TYPE

"hey girlfriend, you're the best thing in my life right now. without you i'd die" he'd say, clutching his notebook full of thoughtful drawings of crucifixes, heavily kholed eyes and endless attempts at song lyrics.

I never had one of these, but when I was 12 I was desperate for an emo boyfriend. One who would give me his atticus hoody to wear when we were hanging outside Blue Banana and sing "Ohio is For Lovers" with me over msn messenger.

I wanted one so I could put his name (he'd be called something hopelessly middle class like Elliott or GerardWay) in my MySpace 'heroes' section, along with the date we met (two weeks ago) and how we'd be together forever even though we were only 12 and I'd known him two weeks and he originally fancied my prettier friend but when she rejected him he chose me instead because I was fatter and more likely to fall for his depressive charms.

Did I mention he'd write poetry? Here is an example of his work:

Holly Holly Holly

without you I wouldn't be so jolly

youre nice to kiss although i haven't

yet. but one day soon i will 

and i'll be so happy i swear i will kill

myself

one day if you leave me

DEEP

The 'I'm so cool I'm so cool wow you're not as cool as me so you can piss off' type

You know the type. They really like Topman although they say they don't, they like Wu Lyf and Four Tet and OFWGKTA, whilst simultaneously posting Facebook links to bands that Pitchfork rated 10/10 whilst passing them off as his own discovery.

I actually went out with one of these idiots for a whole year and a bit and it was awful. He once told me that he genuinely thought he was Ian Curtis reincarnated, I pointed out that I didn't think he was and he threw a tantrum, claiming that I "just didn't get him"

 Sometimes, he'd tell me that he wanted to cheat on me because I was such an awful girlfriend - the next day he'd say it never happened and he didn't mean it, and that it was his clinical depression (which developed into bipolar disorder, which later turned into schizophrenia) which he ACTUALLY made up to sound interesting.

So yeah, from my experience, they may seem all cool (pretentious) in their Hawaiian shirts and their ability to look unhealthy a lot, but in reality they probably have an Oedipus complex and bad hygiene. 

The 'I have no feelings! I am a MAN!' type

The manlier the man says he is, the more likely he is to be a total dribbly sop.

He may appear to go out tearing phone books in half, breathing fire and assembling flat-pack furniture

for single mothers - but in reality he's PROBABLY more likely to be sitting inside sobbing because he started thinking about 'The Notebook', especially the scene with the swans (it gets him every time!)

He'll be all manly(a bit sexist), saying things like "you're my woman" and occasionally he'll pick you up and comment on how light you are (a LIE) to make you feel better about the fact that you just ate an entire pack of oreos in one go, after eating a bagel and a bowl of pasta*. 

He's nice, so never dump him - if only because when you do he'll dribble down his chin, his nose will bubble with snot and he'll make wailing noises that sound like foxes mating. 

The 'foooootbaaaaaaall, I love foooooottbaaaalll, fooottieee woooo' type

 

I've never gone out with anyone that likes football so much that they talk about it a lot. Maybe I only ever go out with poofs. Hmmn. Anyway, he'd like football so much he'd wear the scarf to sleep and in a loving way, he'd say things like "Oh Holly, you make feel as happy as the time that my favourite team one the premier league." Which, from being on Twitter, strikes me as a big thing. I'd be so flattered I'd start supporting that team too. 

I wouldn't really, I don't understand football, I'm too busy googling pictures of famous women crying 

to keep up with it.

* I totally didn't eat all that in one go... I actually ate half the oreo pack.

Disclaimer - only one of these types are based on an actual exboyfriend of mine. If you know me, you'll know which one it is. Also, if you're reading this and I DID date you once, even if it was only for like, 20 seconds - this is all BASED ON NO ONE and no one get offended okay, cheerz.

How to live FOREVER

I watch films sometimes (really!?!) and sometimes in these films there are evil people (well, they're supposed to be evil, in reality they're just really fucking cool) who want to live forever. For example, Voldemort, Sauron, the Gallagher brothers, Nicholas Flamel, Jesus. The list goes on. and on. and on. and on a bit longer.
From watching these films or hearing about these people who won't ever. fucking. die. I now have a PRETTY good understanding on how to live forever. I won't EVER die, and neither will you if you follow all of this information which I'm about to tell you.

Eat a doctor, have loads of children and use their organs

Next time you go to the Doctor, go prepared. Take with you a load of poison darts and a scalpel. Dart the doctor until he or she passes out. Next, scalpel out their brain and eat it. Now you have all the knowledge of a doctor. Honestly, it works. It's science. 

Now you have to persuade another person of the opposite sex to do the same. Next, breed. Eight or so children should suffice.

NOW, if one of your organs fails, cut the healthy, working organ out of your son or daughter and get your mating partner to operate on you to put it in. Repeat until you're Frankenstien and you're still alive in 2010030 years. Thank catsandknitting, win an Oscar, go to tesco and buy some milk. You genius.

Cut out your soul and put it in a tree to create a SPIRIT TREE 

If you're not very good with blood, and eating a Doctor's brain doesn't really appeal to you, then you could always try creating a SPIRIT TREE. All you have to do to create a spirit tree is put your soul into a tree. Which is easy (just sneeze on a tree without covering your nose and don't say 'bless you'). Maybe you'll fall in love with another spirit tree and have tiny tree babies. This is a good plan, providing angry people who love concrete don't try to chop you down. but it's okay, this is why we have greenpeace.

Drink orange juice

This slightly creepy looking child has got it right. Drinking orange juice means you will never die. Ever. It is true. It's full of vitamin C (?) and it tastes good and it's the same god damn colour as the sun. The sun gives us life - and by drinking orange juice you're drinking the sun and in turn drinking the ELIXIR OF LIFE. 

how to suppress boredom and COME ALIVE !

Someone told me once that the English language is one of very few that has a word meaning bored'. That means that everyone in English speaking countries are spoilt, lazy and generally just a bit dickish.
I am currently situated in Kent, which is in England. The language I am currently typing in is (hopefully) English. This means that I am spoilt, lazy and a bit dickish. or something. This intro really isn't going very well is it? No.


Write a life plan

This is my life plan, from when I was bored a minute ago (ie. right now)
I want to graduate, but refuse to wear one of the stupid hats. Then I'll cry a bit and then I'll get a job. Then I'll cry a bit more. Then I'll get a wife. Then I'll father 8 children from 9 different sexual partners. I'll go on Jeremy Kyle. Then I'll cry on Jeremy Kyle. Then I'll die on my sofa in my sleep.
There, 30 seconds of boredom annihilated. 


Make some eggs

I don't mean chicken eggs, or duck or dinosaur or David Cameron eggs - I mean try making your OWN egg. Like, try laying one. When I was younger, I used to say "he made an egg" instead of saying "he let some wind go" - I don't mean that either. I really want you to get some cardboard, glue some shell or shiny plastic to it and create a tiny egg. Maybe make friends with it, call it Mandy, take it on holiday, do whatever you want, it's your egg.

Tidy up! 

ha ha, not really.

Research some chat-up lines 

So that next time you see or talk to someone you think is quite nice you don't insult them, give them a fake name, tell them that their hair looks stupid, call them a wanker or ask them what type of tail they'd grow if they could. (all being true) and also so that you have someone to harass via text.

. Here are some good chat up lines that I made up myself -  

• Hello, I drink Jack n Coke. 
• Do you use window washer to clean your underwear? "why" Because I can smell vinegar.
• Hey baby, is your name Fred Flintstone? "No, why?" Because you're fat and you look stupid.
• How do you like your eggs? Do you want to meet my egg? She's called Mandy.
• Hey baby, did you hurt yourself when you fell from heaven? because you look kinda mutilated.
• Do you want to see some photos of my cat?
• Do you believe in love at first sight? No me neither, it's corny and stupid and I hate everyone.
• You've been running through my mind all day. Your arse wobbles when you run, go on a diet.
• Was your dad a terrorist? "no" because you're the bomb. also you look kinda evil and mentally unstable.

WRITE A REALLY SHITE BLOG

How not to do a Freshers week.

To be really honest, I didn't even do it that badly. I was genuinely expecting myself to have a mental breakdown by the Wednesday and to subsequently be in a mental hospital by the Thursday, neither of which, thankfully, took place. I'm currently still alive (I think, unless this is a cruel joke. I'm totally googling 'how to know you're not dead' and this is what I got, so yeah I'm alive). ANYWAY this is a lovely fine guide on how NOT to do your freshers week, based on my own, personal failings.


Get a haircut BEFORE you arrive, not the week after

Follow the big fat smiley man's example and get your haircut. I made the mistake of not getting my haircut for 16 months prior to moving to Uni, and I genuinely think that a lot of people on my course are intimidated by the pile of red frizz and split ends currently perched on my head. I have this idea that when I get my hair sheared on Friday (I hope they have a chainsaw) that suddenly everyone will smile when I walk into the room and everyone will start calling me "Angel" or "Lady" and blokes will start putting their jackets down when I walk so my feet can always be padded and warm. I do, obviously know that this won't happen and that people will carry on tutting and rolling their eyes when I stumble in 5 minutes late with panda eyes and a tongue the colour, taste and texture of a bourbon biscuit. BUT OH WELL HERE IS HOPING.

When doing those "make friend! lots of friend!" exercises try not to have a minor panic attack

 

I know they're a lovely idea, but there is so much more fun to be had in getting to know your fellow course-buds at 2am, drunk off of 50p tequila in a local shitey nightclub. Especially when, if you're me, you get incredibly nervous when put on the spot and will run around screaming for a couple of minutes when asked about your music taste. I think I frightened some people that day, not just these new strangers, I frightened myself. How did my brain let me do that? I don't understand. I won't understand. Just thinking of how and why I did that is making my life ache. 

Don't get a reputation for being 'the drunk one'

No matter how many times I tell myself "Hey,Holly, only stick with half a pint tonight, you'll regret it when you wake up and your friends are saying to you 'OH JEE YOU SAID/DID SOME CRAZY RUBBISH LAST NIGHT'"  but then before you know it I've had a whole pint of beer and I'm lying on a wall singing along to The Smiths with some people I've just met, with tears running down my face and my phone in my hand and oh wait, I'm texting people I fancy saying "OH MY GOD I FANCY YOU HAHHAAHHA". I know people say that this is what Freshers week is about, but it really isn't about getting yourself a reputation. Don't!!!!!!! (Unless they're lightweights too then it's okay). I really hope my mum isn't reading this. (Hey Bev)

Don't spend your student loan on shoes

Actually no, DO spend your student loan on shoes. Shoes last longer than food and they're prettier. Buy books too. Lots o' books. (Don't buy food though. That shite is unnecessary).

Applying for 'Take Me Out'

TAKE ME OUT GIRLS APPLICATION FORM 2011
FULL NAME: (as on passport)
Holly Stewart
FIRST NAME THAT YOU PREFER TO BE CALLED:	AGE:
Holly	18
HOME ADDRESS:
WINDRUSH, HIGHWORTH, SWINDON
YOUR CONTACT NUMBERS:
OFFICE: HOME: MOBILE
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS:
mynameiscal@gmail.com
CITY OR TOWN ORIGINALLY FROM:
SWINDON
ARE YOU:   SINGLE / MARRIED / SEPARATED / DIVORCED
Single
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN MARRIED OR ENGAGED?  IF YES – HOW MANY TIMES?
Nope never
CURRENT OCCUPATION:
Student
PREVIOUS JOBS:
Emptying bins
WHO DO YOU LIVE WITH?
Mum, Dad, Brother and the cat.
HOW TALL ARE YOU? (in Feet and Inches)
5ft and a bit
ARE THERE ANY DATES BETWEEN NOW AND NOVEMBER 2011 THAT YOU WOULD NOT BE AVAILABLE FOR AUDITIONS OR RECORDINGS?
Nah
DO YOU HAVE ANY MEDICAL CONDITIONS OR DISABILITIES WHICH WE SHOULD BE AWARE OF AND/OR ANY SPECIAL REQUIREMENTS -  IF YOU ARE REQUIRED TO ATTEND AN AUDITION?
WE ARE HOPING TO HOLD AUDITIONS IN (OR NEAR) SOME OF THE FOLLOWING CITIES: ♥  MANCHESTER  ♥  LIVERPOOL ♥ BIRMINGHAM  ♥  NOTTINGHAM  ♥  CARDIFF  ♥  BRISTOL  ♥ ♥ LONDON  ♥ EXETER  ♥  BELFAST  ♥  LEEDS  ♥   NEWCASTLE  ♥  GLASGOW ♥ EDINBURGH ♥ IF  OFFERED  AN AUDITION – PLEASE INDICATE WHICH WOULD BE YOUR 1ST & 2ND MOST CONVENIENT CITIES:
1st. London 2nd Bristol
PLEASE NOTE – owing to the numbers of people who apply – not everyone who applies for this show can be offered an audition. Auditioning does not guarantee a place on the show.
HOBBIES & INTERESTS:  (please include sports that you take part in or watch, clubs you belong to, musical instruments you can play etc)
Eating, watching the news, eating, cats, playing the mandolin, monkeys, eating cats and getting the bus.
HAVE YOU EVER APPEARED ON A TV SHOW? (Please give dates & details)
I was in Blue Peter once, they were filming the ‘Bikeathon’ in my town (SWINDON REPRESENT) and I was stood behind Liz Barker. I was 9 though.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL TALENTS?  (Funny or serious)
No I’m not special enough for talent.
DO YOU HAVE ANY UNUSUAL OR IRRITATING HABITS?
I find the sound of people being sick really funny. I also don’t like touching metal.
WHAT QUALITIES WOULD YOUR IDEAL MAN HAVE? (Looks, features, personality)
Nerdy and hilarious.
ARE ANY OF YOUR FAMILY MEMBERS SINGLE? SISTER / BROTHER / MUM / DAD / DAUGHTER / SON (Give details below of anyone aged 18+):
My older brother will always be single.
HOW DID YOU FIRST HEAR ABOUT APPLYING FOR THIS SHOW? (Please be specific, eg if it was a website please say which one or if it was an email please say who from)
I was suggesting my friend to apply but I decided I might instead.
PLEASE GIVE US THE CONTACT PHONE NUMBERS OF TWO GOOD FRIENDS OR RELATIVES THAT WE COULD CONTACT IN CASE OF EMERGENCIES: (please state relationship)
1.Bev (mum) I’m not giving you her number you perve 2.Pete (Dad) – Same again.
PLEASE  POST  FORM WITH PHOTO TO: TAKE ME OUT TALKBACKTHAMES TELEVISION 1 STEPHEN STREET, LONDON W1T 1AL OR EMAIL  WITH PHOTO TO:  takemeoutgirls@talkbackthames.tv APPLICATIONS WITHOUT PHOTOS WILL NOT BE CONSIDERED!
Will you allow us to hold this info on our talkbackThames TV contestant database?	YES
May we pass this information on to our other quiz show programmes?	YES
I confirm that I have read, understood and agree to the “Take Me Out” Application Terms & Conditions.  I confirm that all information provided herein is accurate, truthful and is in no way misleading and I consent to this information being used in the show should I be selected. SIGNED:  ............<<~~~~~~~~holly stewart~~~~~>>.   DATE:  ..15th SEPTEMBER 2010...... Print Name: ....................H O L L Y S T E W A R T...................................................... PRIVACY: We take your privacy very seriously. By submitting this application form, you consent to any personal information that you provide being used for the purpose of assessing your suitability for the Programme, and if successful, for the production of the Programme (in whatever format). If you have any questions regarding our use of your personal information please contact the Data Protection Officer, FremantleMedia Limited, 1 Stephen Street, London W1T 1AL or send an e-mail to Privacy.officer@fremantlemedia.com.  I'll let you all know how I get on.