why growing up is a LIE

I'm old now. Proper old.
I went to the opticians earlier for an eyetest and I had to pay. No more free drugs and getting my mum to buy me glasses from the 'teen' section.. I got my card out and I paid. Like a woman.
Growing up isn't anything like films and tv taught me. At age 9 I genuinely thought that being 16 would be amazing, I'd go to parties and sip J20 in glittery hair mascara and black velvet flares (early 00s).
It wasn't. In fact I was wearing jeans about 3 sizes too small, my hair was the colour of a crunchy-nut cornflake and my main topic of conversation was how much I loved The View. (DREAMBOAT)
Here are some more things that are LIES.

Handbags

I used to be in awe of my mum's handbags. I used to dream of the day I was old enough to have stuff to put in mine.
But they're lying, handbags aren't fun they're bloody annoying, I mean -they're BEAUTIFUL but heavy and awkward to carry. and if you're walking around Gillingham after 6pm they're also terrifying. (note to self: stop clutching onto your bag and trembling)
I had a pink wicker bag with big orange daisies on when I was about 7. I wanted to be a woman so I asked my mum what to keep in it. She gave me some old receipts and a stick of chewing gum. I put the bag on my chubby wrist and swanned around my house as though I was a princess.
What do I keep in mine now?

• bank card
• costa card
• passport
• railcard
• moonshine
• used train tickets
• hair serum
• lipstick
• student ID
• an elf
• mirror
• 439 receipts
• a rainbow
• 3 leaflets for Arundell castle
• a ticket for Arundell castle
• Arundell Castle
• goat carcass
• 2 x chocolate bar wrappers
• a plastic bag containing 3 yorkshire teabags
• 3 euro
• £1.57 
• A small rectangular piece of floral card

What have I used today? The bank card (and the elf- but that's a totally different story). Did I need to take a handbag out? No.

Deciding what to wear to parties

TV taught me that getting ready for parties was a wonderful, giggly occasion filled with champagne, girlfriends and endless silky dresses.
It's actually more a case of "what do I have that is clean and flattering(ish) that isn't covered in fluff or cat fur?"
Also, there isn't any preening in front of a mirror like this , it's usually a case of putting on a bit more eyeliner and deodorant in a dirty bathroom mirror whilst swigging out of a warm can of Carlsberg.

Getting the bus

Teenagers at the bag of the bus were so cool. Jabbering on about what Tanya did to Kevin on their Nokia 3310s in their pink mckenzie jackets with their hair perfectly slicked back, although leaving two strands of hair stuck to their forehead to frame their overly plucked brows.
To 8 year old me, they were the coolest people ever. Such fun they had! I couldn't wait to be old enough to get the bus without Bev and to sit at the back with all my friends to giggle about Mr Samson and Mr Cauldwell's frightening neck veins whilst dizzy on watered down coca-cola.
I got the bus today - it was 20 minutes late. I sat by myself in the middle of the bus. I checked Twitter and got annoyed at how the steamed up windows were creating puddles of foul smelling liquid right next to my seat. Buses are great.

Chavs vs Emos

I mean, I know I was about 12 when this all happened but still, I thought that this would go on forever. I thought that as long as my friends dressed like me I'd have stuff in common with them. I couldn't ever be friends with a chav*, with their dirty jogging bottoms and white England shirts. I could only EVER get on with people in h&m skinny jeans and a cute fluro hoody with dinosaurs on saying "rawr means i luv u" or some shit.
But that EMO VS CHAV thing died out with 2006, (remember 06/06/2006 and 'Beat an Emo day'?) and everyone after that just blended together like some sort of teenage-stereotype smoothie.

Dating

Bring It On was literally my favourite film ever when I was 10. I used to constantly rent it on VCR and hiss with Arron came on screen and swoon when Cliff did.
 I thought Missy was bad-ass and Torrance was the epitome of female perfection. (That bit where she went up to Arron and mimicked his 'maybe you're just not captain material' speech but with 'boyfriend material' was the most BITCHIN' thing I had ever seen). But still, dating was so not like that. and it still isn't.
In Bring It On, Cliff made Torrance a tape with a song he wrote about her on.
In real life, Cliff would have stared at Torrance awkwardly for a couple of months before drunkenly texting her "i cnt stand ur cheerledin skwad bt i luv ur tits", after which they'd never, ever speak again.
In Bring It On, Torrance dumped Arron after catching him cheating on her and never spoke to him again.
In real life, Torrance would have still dumped him, but afterwards she'd have cut all her hair off in some sort of " FREE WOMAN" liberation thing.




*chav is a vile word and pretty much means, "poor and common". If you're going to be classist, you may as well just cut out the mystery and call the person you'd call a chav " a poor Iceland guzzler."

hI HUYS

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(dO iT sO i CaN FeEl PoPULar)

muppets characters who look like real people

Gonzo                                                                                            Peter Barlow

Sam the Eagle                                                              Paxbitch

              

Janice                                                                        orange leather jacket with yellow hair

Facts about beds

1. The first bed was invented in 500AC in Florence, Italy - or as it was then known - Bedlam - by a man called Guiseppe Bedrik.

2. If you tip your bed over to the side and put it against your door, it makes a really good shield from zombies.

3. If you're unlucky enough to get bedbugs, get a fat person with loads of sugary blood to sleep in your bed. They'll drink his/her blood and die.

45. If you don't have a bed, you can make one using a sack and some hay. If you don't have hay then you could just use back hair or any other furry alternative, like roadkill.

9. A good mattress should last you forever, much like a good washing machine or a good haircut.

5. Some beds are illegal and have drugs stuffed into the mattresses. If you have a child who sleeps too much, then rip apart their mattress to make sure it's not stuffed with heroin.

1. Metal beds are ideal for goths, whereas divan beds are ideal for those who would probably be in hufflepuff if they went to Hogwarts.

83. Silk sheets are good for arthritis and social diseases.

2. Spilling tea on your bed is an omen - it means that you might get a disease one day.

1. If you sleep for less than 10 minutes per night, then you're 8x more likely to develop magical powers.

BLOKES WE DATE AND THEN HATE

Most girls I know have gone out with all, at least one of these types of males.

Now, I know you're probably thinking "Oh Holly, stop stereotyping us, we're all so good and wholesome". Actually you're all rubbish. ALL OF YOU. 

Look at you, with dribble on your hairy chin and the chocolate stains on your grey jogging bottoms. How beautifully they go with your novelty 'Family Guy' tshirt. You BASTARD.

ANYWAY....

THE "MY TEARS AND SOUL ARE BLACK" TYPE

"hey girlfriend, you're the best thing in my life right now. without you i'd die" he'd say, clutching his notebook full of thoughtful drawings of crucifixes, heavily kholed eyes and endless attempts at song lyrics.

I never had one of these, but when I was 12 I was desperate for an emo boyfriend. One who would give me his atticus hoody to wear when we were hanging outside Blue Banana and sing "Ohio is For Lovers" with me over msn messenger.

I wanted one so I could put his name (he'd be called something hopelessly middle class like Elliott or GerardWay) in my MySpace 'heroes' section, along with the date we met (two weeks ago) and how we'd be together forever even though we were only 12 and I'd known him two weeks and he originally fancied my prettier friend but when she rejected him he chose me instead because I was fatter and more likely to fall for his depressive charms.

Did I mention he'd write poetry? Here is an example of his work:

Holly Holly Holly

without you I wouldn't be so jolly

youre nice to kiss although i haven't

yet. but one day soon i will 

and i'll be so happy i swear i will kill

myself

one day if you leave me

DEEP

The 'I'm so cool I'm so cool wow you're not as cool as me so you can piss off' type

You know the type. They really like Topman although they say they don't, they like Wu Lyf and Four Tet and OFWGKTA, whilst simultaneously posting Facebook links to bands that Pitchfork rated 10/10 whilst passing them off as his own discovery.

I actually went out with one of these idiots for a whole year and a bit and it was awful. He once told me that he genuinely thought he was Ian Curtis reincarnated, I pointed out that I didn't think he was and he threw a tantrum, claiming that I "just didn't get him"

 Sometimes, he'd tell me that he wanted to cheat on me because I was such an awful girlfriend - the next day he'd say it never happened and he didn't mean it, and that it was his clinical depression (which developed into bipolar disorder, which later turned into schizophrenia) which he ACTUALLY made up to sound interesting.

So yeah, from my experience, they may seem all cool (pretentious) in their Hawaiian shirts and their ability to look unhealthy a lot, but in reality they probably have an Oedipus complex and bad hygiene. 

The 'I have no feelings! I am a MAN!' type

The manlier the man says he is, the more likely he is to be a total dribbly sop.

He may appear to go out tearing phone books in half, breathing fire and assembling flat-pack furniture

for single mothers - but in reality he's PROBABLY more likely to be sitting inside sobbing because he started thinking about 'The Notebook', especially the scene with the swans (it gets him every time!)

He'll be all manly(a bit sexist), saying things like "you're my woman" and occasionally he'll pick you up and comment on how light you are (a LIE) to make you feel better about the fact that you just ate an entire pack of oreos in one go, after eating a bagel and a bowl of pasta*. 

He's nice, so never dump him - if only because when you do he'll dribble down his chin, his nose will bubble with snot and he'll make wailing noises that sound like foxes mating. 

The 'foooootbaaaaaaall, I love foooooottbaaaalll, fooottieee woooo' type

 

I've never gone out with anyone that likes football so much that they talk about it a lot. Maybe I only ever go out with poofs. Hmmn. Anyway, he'd like football so much he'd wear the scarf to sleep and in a loving way, he'd say things like "Oh Holly, you make feel as happy as the time that my favourite team one the premier league." Which, from being on Twitter, strikes me as a big thing. I'd be so flattered I'd start supporting that team too. 

I wouldn't really, I don't understand football, I'm too busy googling pictures of famous women crying 

to keep up with it.

* I totally didn't eat all that in one go... I actually ate half the oreo pack.

Disclaimer - only one of these types are based on an actual exboyfriend of mine. If you know me, you'll know which one it is. Also, if you're reading this and I DID date you once, even if it was only for like, 20 seconds - this is all BASED ON NO ONE and no one get offended okay, cheerz.

How to live FOREVER

I watch films sometimes (really!?!) and sometimes in these films there are evil people (well, they're supposed to be evil, in reality they're just really fucking cool) who want to live forever. For example, Voldemort, Sauron, the Gallagher brothers, Nicholas Flamel, Jesus. The list goes on. and on. and on. and on a bit longer.
From watching these films or hearing about these people who won't ever. fucking. die. I now have a PRETTY good understanding on how to live forever. I won't EVER die, and neither will you if you follow all of this information which I'm about to tell you.

Eat a doctor, have loads of children and use their organs

Next time you go to the Doctor, go prepared. Take with you a load of poison darts and a scalpel. Dart the doctor until he or she passes out. Next, scalpel out their brain and eat it. Now you have all the knowledge of a doctor. Honestly, it works. It's science. 

Now you have to persuade another person of the opposite sex to do the same. Next, breed. Eight or so children should suffice.

NOW, if one of your organs fails, cut the healthy, working organ out of your son or daughter and get your mating partner to operate on you to put it in. Repeat until you're Frankenstien and you're still alive in 2010030 years. Thank catsandknitting, win an Oscar, go to tesco and buy some milk. You genius.

Cut out your soul and put it in a tree to create a SPIRIT TREE 

If you're not very good with blood, and eating a Doctor's brain doesn't really appeal to you, then you could always try creating a SPIRIT TREE. All you have to do to create a spirit tree is put your soul into a tree. Which is easy (just sneeze on a tree without covering your nose and don't say 'bless you'). Maybe you'll fall in love with another spirit tree and have tiny tree babies. This is a good plan, providing angry people who love concrete don't try to chop you down. but it's okay, this is why we have greenpeace.

Drink orange juice

This slightly creepy looking child has got it right. Drinking orange juice means you will never die. Ever. It is true. It's full of vitamin C (?) and it tastes good and it's the same god damn colour as the sun. The sun gives us life - and by drinking orange juice you're drinking the sun and in turn drinking the ELIXIR OF LIFE. 

how to suppress boredom and COME ALIVE !

Someone told me once that the English language is one of very few that has a word meaning bored'. That means that everyone in English speaking countries are spoilt, lazy and generally just a bit dickish.
I am currently situated in Kent, which is in England. The language I am currently typing in is (hopefully) English. This means that I am spoilt, lazy and a bit dickish. or something. This intro really isn't going very well is it? No.


Write a life plan

This is my life plan, from when I was bored a minute ago (ie. right now)
I want to graduate, but refuse to wear one of the stupid hats. Then I'll cry a bit and then I'll get a job. Then I'll cry a bit more. Then I'll get a wife. Then I'll father 8 children from 9 different sexual partners. I'll go on Jeremy Kyle. Then I'll cry on Jeremy Kyle. Then I'll die on my sofa in my sleep.
There, 30 seconds of boredom annihilated. 


Make some eggs

I don't mean chicken eggs, or duck or dinosaur or David Cameron eggs - I mean try making your OWN egg. Like, try laying one. When I was younger, I used to say "he made an egg" instead of saying "he let some wind go" - I don't mean that either. I really want you to get some cardboard, glue some shell or shiny plastic to it and create a tiny egg. Maybe make friends with it, call it Mandy, take it on holiday, do whatever you want, it's your egg.

Tidy up! 

ha ha, not really.

Research some chat-up lines 

So that next time you see or talk to someone you think is quite nice you don't insult them, give them a fake name, tell them that their hair looks stupid, call them a wanker or ask them what type of tail they'd grow if they could. (all being true) and also so that you have someone to harass via text.

. Here are some good chat up lines that I made up myself -  

• Hello, I drink Jack n Coke. 
• Do you use window washer to clean your underwear? "why" Because I can smell vinegar.
• Hey baby, is your name Fred Flintstone? "No, why?" Because you're fat and you look stupid.
• How do you like your eggs? Do you want to meet my egg? She's called Mandy.
• Hey baby, did you hurt yourself when you fell from heaven? because you look kinda mutilated.
• Do you want to see some photos of my cat?
• Do you believe in love at first sight? No me neither, it's corny and stupid and I hate everyone.
• You've been running through my mind all day. Your arse wobbles when you run, go on a diet.
• Was your dad a terrorist? "no" because you're the bomb. also you look kinda evil and mentally unstable.

WRITE A REALLY SHITE BLOG