ways to be exiting this christmas

Once when I was about 9 I wrote a christmas list in August, it went a bit like this:
1. An akwarium
2. some angle fish (I used to want angel fish so bad.I was obsessed by them, I had DREAMS about them and stuff. weird)
3. hamster
4. harry potter poshun set
I remember showing it to my dad and he reminded me of that Jesus story where he smashed up some stalls inside a church and said "how dare you sell things in my dad's house without a license" or SOMETHING and concequently I hid the letter and ripped it up incase Jesus saw it and smashed up my bedroom. It's kinda weird thinking about that when my family aren't religious in the slightest and I haven't even been christened, but ANYWAY, this year for christmas I'm not wanting an aquarium or some fish or a hamster (my cat would eat it) and no potion set for me. This christmas I want a nice dinner, a student rail card and perhaps for my cat to stop being sick on the carpet and making me late for social occassions.
I'm either
a) Boring
b) Getting old.

It can't be b) because I'm 17, and I'm still four months away from being 18.

So it must be a) the fact that I'm boring.

In an attempt to make myself un boring, I'm going to make myself a list of things to help you (&myself) have a more enjoyable and CrAzY christmas time (DONT LET THE BELLS END).
1. Go to a an actual new years party instead of an awkward gathering of a couple of people that you don't know very well shuffling about to Paramore and Justin Bieber.
2. Drink all christmas drinks out of mugs/jam jars and when people ask why, tell them it's because you're really kooky and crazy.

3. Instead of getting people Soap & Glory giftsets from Boots make them some cakes with extra swine flu and lung particles. They'll appreiciate the thought and effort and by eating them, a tiny part of you will always be with them.
4. Say "Happy christmas" and "merry new year" to frighten and confuse your friends and enemies I've always wanted an enemy, instead I just have people I want to punch in the face and say "I'M BETTER THAN YOU, BITCH" but I wouldn't ever do that because I'M BETTER THAN YOU. Anyway, doing this tricks people into thinking that you think differently and that you are breaking out of social norms, which will make you seem like some sort of revolutionary thinker. Also try chips and fish, dad and mum, custard and rhubarb, coke and vodka, Cher & Sunny...



 < arent they similar?


END OF POST.

how to be an ACE student

I'm a great student, especially in english lit as my teachers love me and admire my well-read-ness and how amazing i'm at spelling and grammer. I only feel that it is fair that I depart my knowledge onto you dear reader, as I'm worried you won't be able to get a staggeringly high grade in english lit if i don't.

1. Re-do your work if you've done it badly
Or at least say that you're going to re-do it. Take for instance my essay which I did about William Blake, stupidly mistaking the essay title  for
"In which ways can William Blake be considered a Romantic poet" 

when it was actually

"Is it appropriate to view Blake as a pastoral poet?"
Naturally (because I'm so good at english lit) I very poorly redid my essay in twenty minutes, cleverly taking the decision to change the word "Romantic" to "Pastoral". My essay ended up making no sense and  when I got it back, it was covered in a sea of red lines and angry comments. I went up to my teacher (who looks like this)

and said "Is it okay for me to re-do my essay? I got the title wrong originally and I re did it in about 20 minutes, hence why it is so bad." Him, (lets call him Pierre) looked pleased AND IMPRESSED and said "If you do wish to resubmit the essay, then yes, I will be happy to remark it for you." I don't think I'll actually resubmit the essay as I'm currently ill, but that isn't the point. He now thinks I'm dedicated and a good student. when I'm not.
2. Do some extra reading (even if it's for a minute) and then ask a fancy question.
This will impress (make them think you're weird) your peers and also your teacher. For example
"Uhm, sir? I was doing some reading last night on the upbringing of Mary I and what shocked me was the bullying and torment which Lady Shelton inflicted upon her in her youth. Do you feel that it was this upbringing which fuelled her bloodthirtsy nature which she became infamous for in later life?" 
I haven't actually asked that, but it's a good example of what to say (especially if you don't actually study Mary I, because it makes you seem well read and DEDICATED) After you've asked this, you may notice that your teacher begins to be warmer towards you, giving you the occassional biscuit and writing the odd smiley face on your essay paper.

3. Adopt a wide-eyed and friendly face.
Below is what you're not to do. Even if having angry eyebrows makes you seem far more intelligent, it makes people hate you and in turn it'll ruin your chances of courting that ideal man, getting your business back on it's feet and dancing with someone who finds your bum IRRESISTABLE. I don't know where this point is going anymore...

Here, is the look you SHOULD adopt. ^ Note the happy cheeks, the combed hair and the lack of angry (or any) eyebrows.

4. Come into lessons sick

 The more flu-ridden you are the better. Teachers love to see their students suffer and especially as it makes them see that theyre dedicated to learn. Answer a question whilst spluttering, with half a lung coming out of your mouth and feel their sympathetic gaze fall upon your pea-green cheeks. They'll say "Are you sure you want to be in? You don't seem to be feeling well." to which you'll reply "No, I desperately need to learn". 


 

*hey mum, if youre reading this,this whole blog is in in jest and i'm well good at college, seriously.

christmas songs i wish i didn't like but i do.

I really love christmas. I love christmas so much in fact that today in english I wrote "25TH DECEMBER  = CHRISTMAS" on my notepad in big swirly bubble writing. Yesterday, I also rather rudely interrupted people's conversations with an exited "WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS SONG?!??!?" It seems that most people like the Pogues and Kirtsy Macoll. Which is wrong. That song is far too sentimental. Christmas songs should all be turkeys: cheesey and disgusting with sprinklings of sleigh bells and trumpet-riffs (if riff is the right word) that sound like an old sgt major melodically farting up his brussel sprouts, the type of songs that give you poultry-related food poisoning by Chris Evans just playing them whilst you eat your microwave-heated breakfast mince pie. I think you know what's coming, That's right, some christmas songs that I like (but wish i didn't).

Greg Lake - I Believe In Father Christmas

I love the little Prokofiev bits especially as it reminds me of my favourite film (Love and Death) and it sounds like sleigh bells and snow. This is one of the christmas songs I discovered from my Cool Christmas CD that my mum bought at a Warneford Christmas Fayre on Mr Salles' stall. Best thing my old school ever gave me. (except my C at gcse textiles which has proved to be a vital skill in all my endevours).


The Darkness - Christmas Time (Don't Let the Bells End)

As a commenter from youtube very appropriately wrote, "this makes me want to sip hot cocoa and kick ass at the same time". I don't think I could have put it better because that is exactly what this song makes me want to do. I also very much like the idea of Justin Hawkins and his mane of yellow hair opening up a present (which is a new guitar) and him  immediately playing a rockin' version of jingle bells. I now follow justin (we're totally on first name basis) on twitter and I intent to tweet him this blog when I'm finished with it.

Baby It's Cold Outside - Margaret Whiting and Johnny Mercer

This song makes me wish I had a figure like an ironing board, loads of brown clothing and rollers in my hair. Kind of. I just love it and I don't think I have to give a reason.

Paul McCartney - Wonderful Christmas Time (or, if you're a dick, the smurfs did a cover of it)

This one ticks all the boxes.
Sleigh bells - CHECK
Awkward video which depicts an embarassingly typical at christmas time - CHECK
an ex beatle "Dad-dancing" - CHECK
mentions singing children - CHECK
and that is why this is the perfect christmas song.


 Brenda Lee - Rockin Around The Christmas Tree

It has a big massive list of all the things I'd like to do at christmas time but never get round to doing (perhaps because I'm too busy googling serial killers/writing crap blogs) like decking the halls with boughs of holly (mY NaMe) and caroling whilst eating pumpkin pie. I don't even know what pumpkin pie is and I want it. This song was also used in Home Alone, in the scene where he pretends to have guests which are made out of paper to fool the robbers. Brilliant bit of cinema MAGIC and brilliant bit of christmas cheer.




merry christmas and to all a good night/morning/evening/day/whenever you read this.

how to survive winter.

Unless youre currently living under a rock (or in Swindon, for that matter) you'll know that the United Kingdom is currently shivering under a couple-of-foot-thick blanket of frozen, dusty water. I'm currently skating around on the pavements like the scene in Bambi where he learns to walk, except not half as cute or deer-like and my skin is dry like some sort of rancid flaky pastry. I'm generally disgusting. but that isn't the point. What is the point? I don't know, something about winter I guess...

Actually wear clothes


















I refuse to give my sympathy to any girl/boy wearing canvas shoes, jeans, a tshirt and a hooded sweat complaining of the cold. You're not getting any from me you stupid git. No arctic adventurer has ever gone to the arctic wearing leggings and a thin new look mac, SO WHY WOULD YOU? My advice is to get yourself some thermals and maybe some sort of thick puffy coat with a fleece lining. You're going to look like a an old hag but goddamn, you're going to be warm. Ear muffs are good too, but if your ears stick out slightly then don't, theyre not worth the pain. (You know when dogs get caught in a gust of wind and their little ears fold backwards? I'm permanently like that now).

Have a mince pie for breakfast. 

Now it's winter you're going to find yourself desperate for an extra 4 minutes in bed, so youre going to be cutting down on all the things you would usually do that takes 10 mintes. The time you have to eat breakfast for example, has now slumped to a tincy wincy minute, and there is nothing better to take the edge of a walk to the bus stop than a hot mince pie. Put it in the microwave for 15 seconds and gobble like a greedy child. Feel warm and feel slightly drunk due to your mince pie being laced with cognac. You should be warm now.

Coat your skin in goosefat for moisturising and insulation purposes


As I've already mentioned, my skin is dry like chalk and my face is so cold most of the time it could be mistaken for an unattractive ice sculpture. I was walking though town earlier with my boyfriend when we began talking about goose fat. Not entirely sure why or how this topic came about, but it did. I started to think that coating yourself in goose fat would keep you pretty warm as swimmers do that when they swim in the sea and stuff, also it is pretty greasy so it wouldn't make your skin dry. I'd try it on a day where I knew I wasn't going to see anyone I knew...

Write a blog about how sick of the winter you are and how you'd literally do anything to be back in the summer where glastonbury was so hot you thought you were going to pass out.

DONE.

Fancy a career in teaching? Pick a style

I've been in full time education for thirteen years now and throughout my life I've probably had over 50+ teachers, infact I could probably list them all for you. I won't, but that doesn't mean I couldn't. Anyway, it occurred to me the other day that teachers aren't real people- which is why when you see them in Pizza Hut with their (suprisingly attractive) spouse it's always so confusing - it's basically a loophole in the fabric of reality.  Seriously though - teachers are all walking stereotypes, so if you fancy a career in Education, you better pick one of the stereotypes and stick with it.

The one who never teaches you anything apart from facts about themselves.

Now, I'm not going to name any teachers in this, but in this case - lets call this teacher Angelina. Teachers like Angelina spend the first term telling you of their academic achievements "I'm the cleverest person in Austria" "I've been in teaching for 18 years even though I'm 30" and "Seriously, I know virtually everything there is to know about this subject, so ask me something". You are initially impressed with their achievements, but three months before the exam, you'll look at your sylabus and realise "wow I don't know any of this" and then when you question Angelina on how to answer your exam paper, she looks at you blankly, like a scared student on the eve of a GCSE French oral exam before telling you about the time she met Sean Bean. You sigh and resign to yourself to January resits.

The quiver in your boots and oh my god if I don't learn this I might get a panic attack - inducing sort

 This is probably going to make me sound really lame, but do you not get that teacher who you have every couple of years who youre terribly scared of, and maybe if you don't understand something you DON'T ever say you just google it when you get home. You do all your work, and extra because his/her steely gaze is like death on a Monday afternoon when you haven't done your reading. A simple disgusted look in your direction on a Thursday morning is enough to make you hate yourself and doubt that you're even worthy of living. All this fear is good though - these teachers are usually the best at what they do.

The one who tries to be all weird and hippy-like

 

These ones are a lot like the teachers who try to be all hip and down with the kids. Basically they really go out of their way to intimidate you with their quirky personality and hi-larious anecdotes (that are actually just a bit annoying). Usuaully they'll customise their teaching uniform to something crayzay to make themselves seem more interesting, for example fluroescent doc martens with a frumpy tweed dress or soemthing. Either way, these teachers are bad bad people.

The ones who cant control their classes
 
These ones are a nightmare if you're a nerd. "ALL I WANT TO DO IS LEARN" is what I thought during school when the crazy kids were jumping around pretending to be apes and telling the teacher to "Shut your trap Sir!" (I went to Warneford) and making paper aeropleanes and calling them "D Cameron". Well yeah, there are certain people that shouldn't go into teaching, if some kid at school has ever tried to steal your frube at lunch and you LET them, then this career path isn't for you.

How to survive family life

YOU WON'T

how to fool strangers/enemies into thinking that youre famous

Have you ever looked down at what you're wearing and felt ashamed? I do this daily - especially when I see year 8 girls from my old school with immaculate skin, expensive handbags and jeggings that don't make their arses look like a carrier bags filled with soft apples  - when I'm walking around smelling like petrol with a wonky fringe and boots that don't even work. But really - being a dirty slob is fine 90% of the time. Especially when you're hiding in your room too ashamed to leave your house. But tell you what - you neednt hide any longer because this blog will make you look, and feel like at least a D list celebrity.

1. Master the pose.

The pose is the first thing that you have to get right. Now you're out of hibernation and youre stepping out into the big world you should be expecting to get your photograph taken constantly. This pose will make your legs look longer and take attention away from your face  - which is handy if you're not blessed with a face carved by tiny angels. A hot tip for this pose is to always have boring hair and and ugly shoes - so people concentrate on your dress which is also fabulous. Another hot handy tip is to say "I'm wearing..." and fill in the dots with some obscure name that no one has heard of to seem more edgy.

2. Be immaculately groomed at all times  

 You won't get anywhere when you look like a heroin addict. I know what you're thinking though, Kate Moss and the whole heroin chic thing - but it's only hipsters and fashion bloggers that are actually impressed by skelator-like famous people so you'll get a lot more attention if you're tidy and your makeup is perfect and your hair is neat and your smile is polished and your clothes are ironed and not creased and stained with ketchup. You get the idea - wash and organise your time around your looks. if you get the chance - call up Direct Line and ask for a quote for face insurance.

3. Do your own perfume

 

When I was younger I used to spend so much of my time making perfumes using snails, flowers, grass, tea bags and mud. Once I made a potion with dog poo, mud and water and tried feeding it to a girl down my street... But yeah - now you're famous you need to do one yourself (tip - dog poo isn't a good idea), use roses for class, grass for freshness and maybe a snail for a good bit of earthy charm. Wear this perfume as your signature scent and let the compliments, praise and magazine deals flow in.

8. Say things like ...
In order to fool people you need to act the part as well as stand, smell and look the part. Here is a list (within a list) of what you should say to impress people.

1. "I'm smart. People may not realise this but I am smart. Real smart."
2.   "Oh my dress? Yeah I just threw it on! - Its by a Russian based- New York designer - Boris Grushenko"
3. " Glamour modelling is an  amazing escape - when youre standing there with your boobs out it makes you feel so liberated"
4. "Everyone should wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and say "you're beautiful"
5. "Yeah I had a really tough upbringing. Up until I was fourteen I had a very middle class lifestyle - holidays, school trips, gorgeous clothes... I was fifteen when my parents got a divorce and that made everything come crashing down - we had to start holidaying in Spain after that."
6. "I'm very, very, very competitive in everything I do, I will be trying hard to beat everybody."
7.  "I get really saucy after a few drinks. Sexy rude, not obnoxious rude."
8. "Being a woman makes you feel like a woman, everyday."