nights out on a budget

MY HOT HOT HOT TIPS

I'm a poor person. Look at me, with my bitten nails, unbrushed hair and wild eyes. I'm p-o-o-r. Most of my friends aren't, so basically I've had to pretend I have more than 50p to my name to avoid being inside forever (like what I'm doing this weekend, I'M SO BORED SOMEONE LOVE ME FFS), and ANYWAY I think I've done quite well at it (the pretending to be classy thing)

• Drink your drink really quickly because it'll make you feel drunk even though you're not (too poor to buy a drink? read on)
• Pretend to everyone that you have this really awesome magic trick that you can do but need two pints do to it. The magic trick is drinking them both really quickly and running away.
• If you have under 18 friends, offer to go buy their cigarettes and alcohol, but sneakily pretend that it altogether costed £14 when it cost £12. Don't tell your victim. (thanks for this one, craig ; ) )
• Wearing the same thing night after night? just put on a new exciting pin badge to spruce it up, like one with your favourite monarch on or member of Girls Aloud. 
• Pretend youre famous. Like if you look vaguely like the bloke who plays Sophie Webster in coronation street, pretend you're her (nothern accent is needed) and people will be like "OH GOD YOURE MY IDOL PLEASE LET ME GET YOU DRUNK". 
• Does it cost to go into this particular place?. Hang around outside looking sad, but sexy - so someone will pay for you to go in. 
• Too ugly to play the "I'm sexy, buy me a drink?" card? Wear a mask.
• Can't find a suitable mask to fit your hideously deformed disgusting face? HIDE IN A HOLE FOREVER WHY ARE YOU EVEN ALIVE.

my guide to tricking people into thinking you're clever (and why alcohol is your friend).

~ I'm not gonna say I'm good at tricking people into thinking that I'm clever - one of my greatest acheievements being scraping a C at GCSE maths, but whatever. ~

Sometimes people can be really good at pretending that they're clever, when in actual fact theyre a bit dumb, and genuinely think that East Anglia is in Asia (I did when I was younger, but thats fine). But pretending you have brains is actually quite easy. Pronounce your Ts, wear glasses and instead of laughing, chortle. Good. You're already almost there..

Wear a motarboard when out shopping in tesco

This will enable people to know that you already have a degree, despite the fact you haven't talked to them. Even if you don't have a degree, wear one anyway. If one of your friends sees you in the Yogurt aisle pretend you're drunk and can't remember why you're wearing it.

Get Oscar Wilde quotes all over your facebook

It doesn't have to be Oscar Wilde though, it can be anyone dead. Dead people are fucking awesome. Everyone loves a dead person. Ian Curtis, Kurt Cobain, Marilyn Monroe, Ghandi, Warhol, Jim Morrison, Sylvia Plath, Ant & Dec. Basically, any intellectual who is now dead will do. Ideally someone who most people don't really know much about, other than who they are. Google them, bit of research and thats all you need. Add a couple of these into your "who inspires you" on facebook and never get questioned, and if you do, yet again pretend that you're drunk to avoid confrontation.

Pretend that you're well rounded

Not well rounded in a Javva the hut sort of way, you silly goose! I mean well rounded in for instance, sciences and languages. BUT you don't have to be, just know what EMc2 means and how to say hello in Japanese. A lot of people are too stupid to question what youre saying, and even if they do, AGAIN pretend you've drunk shit loads of Chardonnay or Port and that youre too drunk to explain. Alcohol is your friend.

Know some facts

here are some of my favourites 

• You know those pony statues you get, where there is some bloke with a mustache riding on it in bronze? Well if both the front feet of the horse is up, it means the bloke died in battle directly, if one of the front hoofs are raised, then the man died of battle-related injuries. If both are down, you can assume that the man died of something boring, like choking on a peanut or getting mowed down by a tractor.
• In the First English Civil War, Charles I's nephew, Prince Rupert of the Rhine had a pet poodle called Boye. This dog was tied up whilst Rupert was waving his sword around (not like THAT you dirty bastard) but escaped to help his tiny master. The parliamentary side captured the dog, believing it to have magical powers and being able to spy on parliament and woof back to royalist forces what their plans were. They killed the dog. 
• In major cities, the reason the wealthy side is on the West and the poorer side is on the East is generally because wind goes from West to East, and so the smell of the poor slums won't get blown towards the rich people. 
• When the world eventually gets completely nuked, the only thing surviving will be cockroaches, nappies and Nicki Minaj's butt. (silicon).
• if they ask you for more interesting facts, say that you're too drunk to remember anymore.

- if you're reading this, I'm not drunk.

hot tips for avoiding mental breakdown☨

Sometimes I rock back and forth in my chair* thinking about things that I shouldn't be think about like ponies and how many grapes I could eat in a minute (my estimate is not many because i'd give up because theyre not unhealthy for me). But more often than that I feel on the verge of a cliff due to my mum's screeching about my sniffing (not drugs kids, i mean snotty nose sniffing) and my brother crying because world of war hammer isn't loading. but I'm not a mental breakdown yet and thats because I'm a strong willed and independent woman**, like beyonce or something.


Think about or google fluffy animals

It's physically addictive, I read somewhere in the Observer that watching videos of cute animals laughing or being tickled or falling asleep quickly or getting cuddled by it's mum or eating milk and getting it on their little tiny nose gives you a chemical release which is addictive. It's DEFINITELY not just me that wants to put their tiny animal hands on your cheeks and nuzzle their belly as proven here, and also by the millions of views "penguin getting tickled" or whatever has on youtube. Try it. 


Buy a pair of ear plugs

the style above are particularly good because when you have had them in your ear for a while they'll go all waxy and ear flavoured and you can trick an enemy into thinking that they're rhubarb and custards and they'll eat them and DIE. but thats not all they're good for, last week at Glastonbury I put these in for pendulin before Beyonce so I didn't have to listen to their crappy drum and bass for emos music. It worked, I didn't hear any of it and my sanity remained intact and the greatest of all sanities. Basically, put these in everytime your Mum is hyperventilating over the fact you left some socks on the stairs. Ignorance is bliss


Keep your spell check on English (US) so you can feel smarter than a machine

My example is German, but whatever. I remember typing up notes all that time ago when I was still in free education (a whole three weeks ago!) and I wrote UK down and that little paperclip PRICK said "don't you mean US?" and it made me feel like I was better than a multi-billion pound company because at least I know that the UK and the US are different things. Since then though however, I've kept my spell check on US because if I write "flavour" it says "don't you mean, flavor?" and thats enough to give me a tiny ego boost.


Get some loser friends 

This is kind of a loose term. You just have to know you're better than them. Their weakness can be anything, pick from

• A habit of chanting "lets get fookin' mental" everytime theyre out past 11pm
• A friend with a fear of carpets
• Being unable to tell the time 
• Having their girlfriend's face printed onto a duvet
• Someone who doesn't like The Beatles

you get the jist. Hang around with them and talk about their insecurities, it'll be like opening a gaping window into their soul. they'll be vulnerable, crying about how they felt when they found out David Tennant was leaving Doctor Who and you can SWOOP in, stop them from crying and be a brilliant person and it'll feel your tiny belly with a soft "i'm so brilliant" buzz.

☨ this is absolutely not guaranteed to avoid you having a mental breakdown
* i don't even have a chair : (
** type thing.

life plan

I'm going to fail hoplessly in life. The fact that I'm moving out in September and living away from home is something that never fails to make me cackle like a hag (the cackling is usually followed up by crying and a panic attack). Basically I can't do anything. I'm an untidy mess of "I think I'm doing this wrong" and I've actually spelt my name incorrectly an embarrassing amount of times. I don't know where this introduction is going, so I'll make it relevant again. My life plan currently consists of crying my way through certain things of imporance and blagging my way through it all and hopefully it'll all be over quickly so I can die alone in my arm chair to a crap re run of scrubs. or something. I don't know. Yeah anyway, here is what I'm currently hoping for.



CAT CAR

there'll be a time in the near future where you'll be able to get the face/head of your favourite animal stuck to the front of a car for your own driving pleasure. I'm gonna get a cat one. Now, I'm not entirely sure why this car is floating and instead of a car seat it has a dining chair stuck to it - but thats I guess how the future will turn out. I can't wait to buy my cat car. Everything will be okay when I get it. UNTIL...


GETTING SERIOUSLY OBESE

At the age of 25 I'm gonna get seriously obese and be constantly surrounded by floating mcdonalds packets. It's going to rock the world (my thighs will at least). But yeah, I'm also going to get a hilariously unflattering bob cut which will serve to make my head look even more round than it already is. After two years however, I'll lose all the weight and return to my normal size.

Being able to walk in high heels

 
I'll be a new person once my fat has been burnt off. I'll finally try on a pair of high heels and I'll find that I can walk in them. So I get home, recolour my hair blonde and cut my face off and grow a new one and HEY this face is HOT. I then move to Paris and trot around in high heels for two months. Because I can. People smile at me in the street and stop grimacing. Everything is lovely until I realise that all I am is a pretty face with amazing shoes. I cut my shoes off and dye my hair ginger and suddenly my personality is BORN AGAIN.


Dying alone

please. if you're reading this. Please love me. I'm begging you : ( : ( : (

how to turn eighteen successfully and without dissappointment.

I recently turned eighteen. Depending on how old you are, you're probably thinking "eighteen! Pfft I turned eighteen years ago" OR "eighteeen! I can't WAIT to turn eighteen, a whole other world will be open to me!". Either way eighteen is finally the age where you are able to stop having to get your older friends to buy you wine and instead your younger friends start pestering you to buy them wine.


Constantly tell your parents that you're about to get married

Guaranteed to be the most fun you'll have at turning 18, telling your constantly angry parents that you're eloping with your 21 year old boyfriend whom you've known for scarcely two months is destined to be full of hilarity. Try jazzing it up with "it's fine mum, I'm an adult now! I can elope with whoever I want!" and "I know I've only known him two months, but what is two months in comparison to a lifetime" OR EVEN "I've already spent £2000 on your credit card on a big fat greek gypsy wedding style dress!" I've already had one wild evening of fun in this style - so now it's your turn.



Ask shop assistants if they want to see your ID constantly

 Even if you're not buying age protected products. Buy some baby food (even if youre not a baby) and maybe a flump and ask them if they need to see your ID. Hopefully they'll look confused and hurt and this is the best reaction you're gonna get. of course they don't need to see your ID. They might laugh at you - but if they do this you can just say "fine i'll take my business elsewhere" and then they'll get an arse whooping by their manager. Who's laughing now? 
also - ask for a double vodka coke without the vodka in a pub. they'll be so confused.


Voting for the first time

There won't be a general election for a long time sadly but when you finally are able to vote - waste your vote by voting for the monster raving loony party. That way, you won't have to educate yourself about the parties and read through manifestos to decide who you'll actually vote for - you know monster raving loony party won't get in  - you'll be exercising your rights as an over 18 british citizen but not wasting any time so you're still able to fit in telling your parents your wedding plans and buying baby food into your tight schedule.

 Buy a copy of the film SAW but cover it in "My Little Pony" stickers so it looks exactly like a my little pony DVD and give it to a tiny child. heheheheheheehehhehe

 

no inspiration. NONE.

I mean, you don't normally assume things like mediocre blogs to require inspiration, but my god they do. Catsandknitting is now right at the back of my mind like a naggling dissappointment that I keep trying to put off/forget about in the hope that one day I'll remember it and be amazing once again.
Thing is I just can't stop thinking about it. I feel like I've abandoned a tiny child who used to bring me such joy but now has gotten fat and constantly sings tv advertising jingles all the time. or something. yeah..
The only thing I can possibly think about writing about and stuff is a good old update on fun things that have happened.


Going to the Tower of London

A mysterious strange man took me to the tower of london about three weeks ago. now, if you know me at all (which I'm hoping you don;t, I love the idea of strangers reading my blog) I've cried a couple of times over how badly I want to go to the tower. and I went. I saw the ravens and stuff and walked directly into Nick Robinson on the embankment, which made me laugh hysterically for a long time.. and I got a steak. and this steak was incredible. It was almost as big as my face. and it was so good and full of muscle juice. Just the way I like it. Mmmn blood.

Turning into an adult

Yeah man, I'm now eighteen and able to vote and get a tattoo and stuff. If you're a devoted fan, you'll remember last year I wrote a blog about how i hate birthdays here. Breaking the tradition, I had a wonderful birthday full of bacon and free cheesecake and woo woo. I drank a pitcher of woo woo with my friend alexa, (you can read her wonderful blog here) and then went home and napped it off. Which is really 18 of me. But yeah.


here is a list

• Saw some doggers at coate water. My boyfriend beeped and flashed his car lights at them and they got embarrassed. It was hilarious.
• I got caught trying to take a picture of my media teacher and she got annoyed and I got embarrassed. It was awful.
• uhm thats it.

drawings of me doing things

here is me holding a cat in the middle of space-

 here is me eating a sandwhich (which is odd because i dont like sandwhiches)

here is me strutting my stuff for Dior's spring couture show -

here is me as a slaveen from doctor who doing the ironing -

here is me punching an unsuspecting handsome tall man -