How to survive family life

YOU WON'T

how to fool strangers/enemies into thinking that youre famous

Have you ever looked down at what you're wearing and felt ashamed? I do this daily - especially when I see year 8 girls from my old school with immaculate skin, expensive handbags and jeggings that don't make their arses look like a carrier bags filled with soft apples  - when I'm walking around smelling like petrol with a wonky fringe and boots that don't even work. But really - being a dirty slob is fine 90% of the time. Especially when you're hiding in your room too ashamed to leave your house. But tell you what - you neednt hide any longer because this blog will make you look, and feel like at least a D list celebrity.

1. Master the pose.

The pose is the first thing that you have to get right. Now you're out of hibernation and youre stepping out into the big world you should be expecting to get your photograph taken constantly. This pose will make your legs look longer and take attention away from your face  - which is handy if you're not blessed with a face carved by tiny angels. A hot tip for this pose is to always have boring hair and and ugly shoes - so people concentrate on your dress which is also fabulous. Another hot handy tip is to say "I'm wearing..." and fill in the dots with some obscure name that no one has heard of to seem more edgy.

2. Be immaculately groomed at all times  

 You won't get anywhere when you look like a heroin addict. I know what you're thinking though, Kate Moss and the whole heroin chic thing - but it's only hipsters and fashion bloggers that are actually impressed by skelator-like famous people so you'll get a lot more attention if you're tidy and your makeup is perfect and your hair is neat and your smile is polished and your clothes are ironed and not creased and stained with ketchup. You get the idea - wash and organise your time around your looks. if you get the chance - call up Direct Line and ask for a quote for face insurance.

3. Do your own perfume

 

When I was younger I used to spend so much of my time making perfumes using snails, flowers, grass, tea bags and mud. Once I made a potion with dog poo, mud and water and tried feeding it to a girl down my street... But yeah - now you're famous you need to do one yourself (tip - dog poo isn't a good idea), use roses for class, grass for freshness and maybe a snail for a good bit of earthy charm. Wear this perfume as your signature scent and let the compliments, praise and magazine deals flow in.

8. Say things like ...
In order to fool people you need to act the part as well as stand, smell and look the part. Here is a list (within a list) of what you should say to impress people.

1. "I'm smart. People may not realise this but I am smart. Real smart."
2.   "Oh my dress? Yeah I just threw it on! - Its by a Russian based- New York designer - Boris Grushenko"
3. " Glamour modelling is an  amazing escape - when youre standing there with your boobs out it makes you feel so liberated"
4. "Everyone should wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and say "you're beautiful"
5. "Yeah I had a really tough upbringing. Up until I was fourteen I had a very middle class lifestyle - holidays, school trips, gorgeous clothes... I was fifteen when my parents got a divorce and that made everything come crashing down - we had to start holidaying in Spain after that."
6. "I'm very, very, very competitive in everything I do, I will be trying hard to beat everybody."
7.  "I get really saucy after a few drinks. Sexy rude, not obnoxious rude."
8. "Being a woman makes you feel like a woman, everyday."