ways to be exiting this christmas

Once when I was about 9 I wrote a christmas list in August, it went a bit like this:
1. An akwarium
2. some angle fish (I used to want angel fish so bad.I was obsessed by them, I had DREAMS about them and stuff. weird)
3. hamster
4. harry potter poshun set
I remember showing it to my dad and he reminded me of that Jesus story where he smashed up some stalls inside a church and said "how dare you sell things in my dad's house without a license" or SOMETHING and concequently I hid the letter and ripped it up incase Jesus saw it and smashed up my bedroom. It's kinda weird thinking about that when my family aren't religious in the slightest and I haven't even been christened, but ANYWAY, this year for christmas I'm not wanting an aquarium or some fish or a hamster (my cat would eat it) and no potion set for me. This christmas I want a nice dinner, a student rail card and perhaps for my cat to stop being sick on the carpet and making me late for social occassions.
I'm either
a) Boring
b) Getting old.

It can't be b) because I'm 17, and I'm still four months away from being 18.

So it must be a) the fact that I'm boring.

In an attempt to make myself un boring, I'm going to make myself a list of things to help you (&myself) have a more enjoyable and CrAzY christmas time (DONT LET THE BELLS END).
1. Go to a an actual new years party instead of an awkward gathering of a couple of people that you don't know very well shuffling about to Paramore and Justin Bieber.
2. Drink all christmas drinks out of mugs/jam jars and when people ask why, tell them it's because you're really kooky and crazy.

3. Instead of getting people Soap & Glory giftsets from Boots make them some cakes with extra swine flu and lung particles. They'll appreiciate the thought and effort and by eating them, a tiny part of you will always be with them.
4. Say "Happy christmas" and "merry new year" to frighten and confuse your friends and enemies I've always wanted an enemy, instead I just have people I want to punch in the face and say "I'M BETTER THAN YOU, BITCH" but I wouldn't ever do that because I'M BETTER THAN YOU. Anyway, doing this tricks people into thinking that you think differently and that you are breaking out of social norms, which will make you seem like some sort of revolutionary thinker. Also try chips and fish, dad and mum, custard and rhubarb, coke and vodka, Cher & Sunny...



 < arent they similar?


END OF POST.

how to be an ACE student

I'm a great student, especially in english lit as my teachers love me and admire my well-read-ness and how amazing i'm at spelling and grammer. I only feel that it is fair that I depart my knowledge onto you dear reader, as I'm worried you won't be able to get a staggeringly high grade in english lit if i don't.

1. Re-do your work if you've done it badly
Or at least say that you're going to re-do it. Take for instance my essay which I did about William Blake, stupidly mistaking the essay title  for
"In which ways can William Blake be considered a Romantic poet" 

when it was actually

"Is it appropriate to view Blake as a pastoral poet?"
Naturally (because I'm so good at english lit) I very poorly redid my essay in twenty minutes, cleverly taking the decision to change the word "Romantic" to "Pastoral". My essay ended up making no sense and  when I got it back, it was covered in a sea of red lines and angry comments. I went up to my teacher (who looks like this)

and said "Is it okay for me to re-do my essay? I got the title wrong originally and I re did it in about 20 minutes, hence why it is so bad." Him, (lets call him Pierre) looked pleased AND IMPRESSED and said "If you do wish to resubmit the essay, then yes, I will be happy to remark it for you." I don't think I'll actually resubmit the essay as I'm currently ill, but that isn't the point. He now thinks I'm dedicated and a good student. when I'm not.
2. Do some extra reading (even if it's for a minute) and then ask a fancy question.
This will impress (make them think you're weird) your peers and also your teacher. For example
"Uhm, sir? I was doing some reading last night on the upbringing of Mary I and what shocked me was the bullying and torment which Lady Shelton inflicted upon her in her youth. Do you feel that it was this upbringing which fuelled her bloodthirtsy nature which she became infamous for in later life?" 
I haven't actually asked that, but it's a good example of what to say (especially if you don't actually study Mary I, because it makes you seem well read and DEDICATED) After you've asked this, you may notice that your teacher begins to be warmer towards you, giving you the occassional biscuit and writing the odd smiley face on your essay paper.

3. Adopt a wide-eyed and friendly face.
Below is what you're not to do. Even if having angry eyebrows makes you seem far more intelligent, it makes people hate you and in turn it'll ruin your chances of courting that ideal man, getting your business back on it's feet and dancing with someone who finds your bum IRRESISTABLE. I don't know where this point is going anymore...

Here, is the look you SHOULD adopt. ^ Note the happy cheeks, the combed hair and the lack of angry (or any) eyebrows.

4. Come into lessons sick

 The more flu-ridden you are the better. Teachers love to see their students suffer and especially as it makes them see that theyre dedicated to learn. Answer a question whilst spluttering, with half a lung coming out of your mouth and feel their sympathetic gaze fall upon your pea-green cheeks. They'll say "Are you sure you want to be in? You don't seem to be feeling well." to which you'll reply "No, I desperately need to learn". 


 

*hey mum, if youre reading this,this whole blog is in in jest and i'm well good at college, seriously.

christmas songs i wish i didn't like but i do.

I really love christmas. I love christmas so much in fact that today in english I wrote "25TH DECEMBER  = CHRISTMAS" on my notepad in big swirly bubble writing. Yesterday, I also rather rudely interrupted people's conversations with an exited "WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS SONG?!??!?" It seems that most people like the Pogues and Kirtsy Macoll. Which is wrong. That song is far too sentimental. Christmas songs should all be turkeys: cheesey and disgusting with sprinklings of sleigh bells and trumpet-riffs (if riff is the right word) that sound like an old sgt major melodically farting up his brussel sprouts, the type of songs that give you poultry-related food poisoning by Chris Evans just playing them whilst you eat your microwave-heated breakfast mince pie. I think you know what's coming, That's right, some christmas songs that I like (but wish i didn't).

Greg Lake - I Believe In Father Christmas

I love the little Prokofiev bits especially as it reminds me of my favourite film (Love and Death) and it sounds like sleigh bells and snow. This is one of the christmas songs I discovered from my Cool Christmas CD that my mum bought at a Warneford Christmas Fayre on Mr Salles' stall. Best thing my old school ever gave me. (except my C at gcse textiles which has proved to be a vital skill in all my endevours).


The Darkness - Christmas Time (Don't Let the Bells End)

As a commenter from youtube very appropriately wrote, "this makes me want to sip hot cocoa and kick ass at the same time". I don't think I could have put it better because that is exactly what this song makes me want to do. I also very much like the idea of Justin Hawkins and his mane of yellow hair opening up a present (which is a new guitar) and him  immediately playing a rockin' version of jingle bells. I now follow justin (we're totally on first name basis) on twitter and I intent to tweet him this blog when I'm finished with it.

Baby It's Cold Outside - Margaret Whiting and Johnny Mercer

This song makes me wish I had a figure like an ironing board, loads of brown clothing and rollers in my hair. Kind of. I just love it and I don't think I have to give a reason.

Paul McCartney - Wonderful Christmas Time (or, if you're a dick, the smurfs did a cover of it)

This one ticks all the boxes.
Sleigh bells - CHECK
Awkward video which depicts an embarassingly typical at christmas time - CHECK
an ex beatle "Dad-dancing" - CHECK
mentions singing children - CHECK
and that is why this is the perfect christmas song.


 Brenda Lee - Rockin Around The Christmas Tree

It has a big massive list of all the things I'd like to do at christmas time but never get round to doing (perhaps because I'm too busy googling serial killers/writing crap blogs) like decking the halls with boughs of holly (mY NaMe) and caroling whilst eating pumpkin pie. I don't even know what pumpkin pie is and I want it. This song was also used in Home Alone, in the scene where he pretends to have guests which are made out of paper to fool the robbers. Brilliant bit of cinema MAGIC and brilliant bit of christmas cheer.




merry christmas and to all a good night/morning/evening/day/whenever you read this.

how to survive winter.

Unless youre currently living under a rock (or in Swindon, for that matter) you'll know that the United Kingdom is currently shivering under a couple-of-foot-thick blanket of frozen, dusty water. I'm currently skating around on the pavements like the scene in Bambi where he learns to walk, except not half as cute or deer-like and my skin is dry like some sort of rancid flaky pastry. I'm generally disgusting. but that isn't the point. What is the point? I don't know, something about winter I guess...

Actually wear clothes


















I refuse to give my sympathy to any girl/boy wearing canvas shoes, jeans, a tshirt and a hooded sweat complaining of the cold. You're not getting any from me you stupid git. No arctic adventurer has ever gone to the arctic wearing leggings and a thin new look mac, SO WHY WOULD YOU? My advice is to get yourself some thermals and maybe some sort of thick puffy coat with a fleece lining. You're going to look like a an old hag but goddamn, you're going to be warm. Ear muffs are good too, but if your ears stick out slightly then don't, theyre not worth the pain. (You know when dogs get caught in a gust of wind and their little ears fold backwards? I'm permanently like that now).

Have a mince pie for breakfast. 

Now it's winter you're going to find yourself desperate for an extra 4 minutes in bed, so youre going to be cutting down on all the things you would usually do that takes 10 mintes. The time you have to eat breakfast for example, has now slumped to a tincy wincy minute, and there is nothing better to take the edge of a walk to the bus stop than a hot mince pie. Put it in the microwave for 15 seconds and gobble like a greedy child. Feel warm and feel slightly drunk due to your mince pie being laced with cognac. You should be warm now.

Coat your skin in goosefat for moisturising and insulation purposes


As I've already mentioned, my skin is dry like chalk and my face is so cold most of the time it could be mistaken for an unattractive ice sculpture. I was walking though town earlier with my boyfriend when we began talking about goose fat. Not entirely sure why or how this topic came about, but it did. I started to think that coating yourself in goose fat would keep you pretty warm as swimmers do that when they swim in the sea and stuff, also it is pretty greasy so it wouldn't make your skin dry. I'd try it on a day where I knew I wasn't going to see anyone I knew...

Write a blog about how sick of the winter you are and how you'd literally do anything to be back in the summer where glastonbury was so hot you thought you were going to pass out.

DONE.

Fancy a career in teaching? Pick a style

I've been in full time education for thirteen years now and throughout my life I've probably had over 50+ teachers, infact I could probably list them all for you. I won't, but that doesn't mean I couldn't. Anyway, it occurred to me the other day that teachers aren't real people- which is why when you see them in Pizza Hut with their (suprisingly attractive) spouse it's always so confusing - it's basically a loophole in the fabric of reality.  Seriously though - teachers are all walking stereotypes, so if you fancy a career in Education, you better pick one of the stereotypes and stick with it.

The one who never teaches you anything apart from facts about themselves.

Now, I'm not going to name any teachers in this, but in this case - lets call this teacher Angelina. Teachers like Angelina spend the first term telling you of their academic achievements "I'm the cleverest person in Austria" "I've been in teaching for 18 years even though I'm 30" and "Seriously, I know virtually everything there is to know about this subject, so ask me something". You are initially impressed with their achievements, but three months before the exam, you'll look at your sylabus and realise "wow I don't know any of this" and then when you question Angelina on how to answer your exam paper, she looks at you blankly, like a scared student on the eve of a GCSE French oral exam before telling you about the time she met Sean Bean. You sigh and resign to yourself to January resits.

The quiver in your boots and oh my god if I don't learn this I might get a panic attack - inducing sort

 This is probably going to make me sound really lame, but do you not get that teacher who you have every couple of years who youre terribly scared of, and maybe if you don't understand something you DON'T ever say you just google it when you get home. You do all your work, and extra because his/her steely gaze is like death on a Monday afternoon when you haven't done your reading. A simple disgusted look in your direction on a Thursday morning is enough to make you hate yourself and doubt that you're even worthy of living. All this fear is good though - these teachers are usually the best at what they do.

The one who tries to be all weird and hippy-like

 

These ones are a lot like the teachers who try to be all hip and down with the kids. Basically they really go out of their way to intimidate you with their quirky personality and hi-larious anecdotes (that are actually just a bit annoying). Usuaully they'll customise their teaching uniform to something crayzay to make themselves seem more interesting, for example fluroescent doc martens with a frumpy tweed dress or soemthing. Either way, these teachers are bad bad people.

The ones who cant control their classes
 
These ones are a nightmare if you're a nerd. "ALL I WANT TO DO IS LEARN" is what I thought during school when the crazy kids were jumping around pretending to be apes and telling the teacher to "Shut your trap Sir!" (I went to Warneford) and making paper aeropleanes and calling them "D Cameron". Well yeah, there are certain people that shouldn't go into teaching, if some kid at school has ever tried to steal your frube at lunch and you LET them, then this career path isn't for you.

How to survive family life

YOU WON'T

how to fool strangers/enemies into thinking that youre famous

Have you ever looked down at what you're wearing and felt ashamed? I do this daily - especially when I see year 8 girls from my old school with immaculate skin, expensive handbags and jeggings that don't make their arses look like a carrier bags filled with soft apples  - when I'm walking around smelling like petrol with a wonky fringe and boots that don't even work. But really - being a dirty slob is fine 90% of the time. Especially when you're hiding in your room too ashamed to leave your house. But tell you what - you neednt hide any longer because this blog will make you look, and feel like at least a D list celebrity.

1. Master the pose.

The pose is the first thing that you have to get right. Now you're out of hibernation and youre stepping out into the big world you should be expecting to get your photograph taken constantly. This pose will make your legs look longer and take attention away from your face  - which is handy if you're not blessed with a face carved by tiny angels. A hot tip for this pose is to always have boring hair and and ugly shoes - so people concentrate on your dress which is also fabulous. Another hot handy tip is to say "I'm wearing..." and fill in the dots with some obscure name that no one has heard of to seem more edgy.

2. Be immaculately groomed at all times  

 You won't get anywhere when you look like a heroin addict. I know what you're thinking though, Kate Moss and the whole heroin chic thing - but it's only hipsters and fashion bloggers that are actually impressed by skelator-like famous people so you'll get a lot more attention if you're tidy and your makeup is perfect and your hair is neat and your smile is polished and your clothes are ironed and not creased and stained with ketchup. You get the idea - wash and organise your time around your looks. if you get the chance - call up Direct Line and ask for a quote for face insurance.

3. Do your own perfume

 

When I was younger I used to spend so much of my time making perfumes using snails, flowers, grass, tea bags and mud. Once I made a potion with dog poo, mud and water and tried feeding it to a girl down my street... But yeah - now you're famous you need to do one yourself (tip - dog poo isn't a good idea), use roses for class, grass for freshness and maybe a snail for a good bit of earthy charm. Wear this perfume as your signature scent and let the compliments, praise and magazine deals flow in.

8. Say things like ...
In order to fool people you need to act the part as well as stand, smell and look the part. Here is a list (within a list) of what you should say to impress people.

1. "I'm smart. People may not realise this but I am smart. Real smart."
2.   "Oh my dress? Yeah I just threw it on! - Its by a Russian based- New York designer - Boris Grushenko"
3. " Glamour modelling is an  amazing escape - when youre standing there with your boobs out it makes you feel so liberated"
4. "Everyone should wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and say "you're beautiful"
5. "Yeah I had a really tough upbringing. Up until I was fourteen I had a very middle class lifestyle - holidays, school trips, gorgeous clothes... I was fifteen when my parents got a divorce and that made everything come crashing down - we had to start holidaying in Spain after that."
6. "I'm very, very, very competitive in everything I do, I will be trying hard to beat everybody."
7.  "I get really saucy after a few drinks. Sexy rude, not obnoxious rude."
8. "Being a woman makes you feel like a woman, everyday."

 

update

I now also write for another website/blog thing - www.ohyeahmetoo.net  and i wrote something new on there today. So if you're DESPERATE for a cats and knitting fix (oh my god this is so egotistical of me) then here yis go - http://ohyeahmetoo.net/archives/1072

all about MEEEEE

yeah i'm pretty self absorbed, especially as this blog is usually me going on about how great i am, so crazy and all of that. So I thought I'd tell you some facts about me, incase you read this blog and decided you wanted to be my new best friend. you probably didn't, in fact you definately didn't - i'm just going to write this so i can talk about myself some more.


How to recognise me in the street

wonky fringe and fur coat usually sets me out and makes me totally unique. i'm usually wearing someithing with dots on, and if not i will be anyway because of my dotted skin. GET ME? also i'm usually concentrating very hard on not falling over. especially if i'm wearing my broken boots

fun facts about me

• When I was 28 years old, my waist was 34 inches and my hips were 25inches. Gok Wan called my body shape "glasshour" and told me to love myself.
• Sometimes I fantasise about how cool i'd be if I could sing. I'd grow my hair really long and sing with buskers on the street and record company bosses would be like "I love your sound!!!! I'm going to make you a star!" and I'd say "you can take your crappy contract 'cause i don't want your crappy money!" and storm off in a flurry of fake fur and broken boots
• I'm currently reading One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest and I'm starting to fancy McMurphy. I love a good lunatic.
• When I think about Thom Yorke I close one eye. I feel guilty everytime (i just reread this and i closed my eye)
• When I went to LA as a child Madonna met me and wanted to adopt me, my dad said yes and so did my mum. Mel Gibson reasoned with them though.
• once i sneezed in the garden and my next door neighbour said "bless yowww" in her stupid essex accent and I'VE HATED HER SINCE.
• the worst song of all time is alecia keys - new york it makes me sick violently everytime.
• once i ran out of eyeliner (which i go through weekly, seriously) and i used a felt tip
• I have nits
• and I'm currently wearing a vest
• and bloomers
• not really.

I hate doing this because i'm worried people will take this seriously.

Failed blog attempts I've had in the past couple of weeks.

My inspiration is DRYING. Since I've been back at college I've turned into one of those knobheads who reads Blake, Milton and Wordsworth (in a 100 year old poetry book) on public transport to try and broaden my knowledge - and if I do decide to listen to music it's going to be something that Pitchfork Media gave 10/10. I've cut my fringe so that it goes above my eyebrows and I set myself little targets like "remember in chronological order the dates of all the English monarchs" - yeah whatever. Essentially - I'm turning into a pretentious dick.  In this back-to-college-showdown (as I like to call it) I've tried, and failed at numerous blogs that just haven't been very good and up to my usual bog standard(GETIT), so here is a list (because I love list blogs) about what I've tried and failed to give you. Enjoy (probably not).

 
 Things my mum does in an attempt to ruin my happiness forever
My mum is a bit odd. When we went on holiday to Cornwall she put my boyfriend on the spot and asked questions like "So, I know you hated me beforehand - but dya like me now?" and then pressured him into giving a detailed answer - it made two hours of my life awkward. She also does these weird little things in an attempt to make me paranoid and hate myself like "Oh Holly, your legs are a bit pale, don't you think you need some fake tan? People will think you're made of paper" I didn't feel self concious until you mentioned that people cared that I'm white like milk. This blog was going to be a list of things that my mum has said/done to me in the past to make me hate myself - I didn't do it because I sounded all "ohhhhhhhhohohhoh mummmy issues :((:((:(:"

 

What the future holds for little Joe McElderry

I spent such a long time writing, deleting, redrafting this blog. It failed so many times because I felt guilty talking about little Joe and how he's going to become a heroin addict. He won't, I was just talking about how he's so vunerable because his first single was the first x-factor single not to get Christmas number 1 since the late 70s and that he's gay (like anyone even cares). But yeah, I scrapped this one because I felt bad for his little face, I did include the picture of what I think he'll look like in 20 years though.

 

What Lady Gaga will do next

In brief - she'll marry a film director and for some reason she'll never age. She'll adopt some black children and have some real children that are just like her but a bit miniture. This was a joke about how she's like Maddonna but I scrapped it because I don't know enough about Maddonna... or Lady Gaga

How to blog and have hundreds of teenage fans
 This was written on a day when I was feeling low and crushed because loads of people have poorly written boring blogs about clothes or material possesions and have thousands of views and hundreds of followers. It was just me going "YEAH BUT YOU'RE BORING" because I was jealous of the attention their blogs get in comparision to mine. I scrapped that because it was shit.

 

things i shouldn't do but i do anyway

Sit on facebook when I'm currently pissed off with everyone in the universe when the one person who actually pissed me off isn't online.
When I'm annoyed at someone I usually sit on facebook waiting for them to come online/text me/message me so I can make it really obvious that I'm annoyed and want to talk to them but in a way that I think is subtle enough that they'll think I don't care and that I'm so totally over it. However - I'll try not to act cool ENOUGH so that they'll forget to apologise. It sounds complicated but it's actually very simple



 Watch this video
Last week I became slightly obsessed with this video. I watched it about three times per day, sometimes I had it on repeat. I still can't make sense of it. The Fedora Girls are a Christian pop group by the way - and that song is actually about how god makes them hot. Bizarre, creepy and a bit rapey seeing as the one in bunchies is about 4.  "Was all about me, all the time, what's fresh, whose hot don't waste my time. Hot shoes, hot clothes is what I'm about, the other girls in the halls are nerds no doubt"   I don't mean to sound weird - but that's hardly a good christian message is it?

 Lick the bowl I've just eaten ice cream in.
It's disgusting and it makes me feel guilty every time I do it. I feel ashamed even writing this. That's all.

 Google image things I'm scared of
I watched about 30 (by 30 I actually mean 2) films with mutant inbred cannibals over the summer and they really creep me out. This however, does not and will not stop me googling "Wrong Turn 2 Inbred" into google every other day. I googled "big moths" earlier too - and now I'm frozen and that isn't because I just ate icrecream. 










 Read those ridiculously shallow awful blogs about "deep thoughts" and "problems" written by white, middle class fifteen year olds with blackberrys.

yeah this is probably the worst blog i've written but i'm angry and I HATE EVERYTHING OKAY

 

searching for my keywords

i don't understand what they are, so i tried seeing if i could find my blog through typing "pissing lesbos" into google.
"What goes in has to come out again! Pretty girls in very dirty action" THAT IS SO GROSS.

keywords

I don't know what keywords even mean, BUT i looked at mine and this is what they are.


ps. also by looking at my stats, I have had a whole 10 views from people who clicked on my page from www.ohyeahmetoo.net so thank you for that.

why jack wills is racist

They target all their products to white university students. Don't say "oh no they don't actually" because it says so on wikipedia, so there. Also how many university students do you know that can really afford to spend £70 on a hooded top, I CAN ONLY THINK OF PRINCE HARRY!?!
Anyway, here is some more incriminating evidence against Jack Wills

 


Y'ALL, we're all so racist y'alll

  

I went in the Jack Wills in Bath for more proof that this shop is racist, and there genuinely was a poster quite like this up in the shop. WHICH SAYS IT ALL.

deepstuff

Today. Is it real? How do I feel? I don't know anymore. Does anyone?
Today I tumbled down. A flight of stairs. Did I feel scared? No. I go down stairs everyday and never is it frightening. I am not afraid of stairs anymore. "Oooh and she's buying the stairway to heaven".

I got stung today. Stung in the leg. Did it hurt? Yes. It hurt my very soul. The leaf peirced my soft pale flesh and gave me a throbbing pain in the leg, causing me agonising discomfort. I find solace in pain, the dull ache fuels a passion within me. A passion for paracetemol.  "It's like Panadol, Paracetamol, These things, they clear in my brain, You ain't got it yet? Well it's my friends and my fam."

It's now 12.21 am. As a child the time of 9pm would be freakishly late. Look at me now, awake at 12.21 and still thinking that it's too early to sleep. Times have changed, have I changed? Or have they changed? One thing is for sure, pop up pirate now has a usb cable?!!?!?!!?!?!11oneoneone







  






Why are all blogs like this? :S

Summer is never as good as you think

Each year around April thousands of people "Like" facebook groups like the ones above. It makes me sad that every year mid August I feel winter approaching, and thus get overly exited about Christmas and begin singing things about sleigh bells, wobbly bellies and warm fires. Today is August the 27th, I'm still the colour of slightly off milk and I haven't spend nights under the stars, haven't been to one beer garden nor have I participated in one water fight. Summer is rubbish.

In England, we will never ever experience on of those American summers that you see in films like The Notebook or Blue Crush. How come in those films everyone knows how to drive? No one ever runs out of money and everyone has unlimited golden coloured friends who are always free for socialising. In every summer holiday I've ever had ever there has always been a period of "oh, all my friends are on holiday. I'm going to make myself busy by studying and reading... Actually sitting on facebook and eating beans on toast is a lot easier, so i'll just do that."

Exams more or less dominate your summer

As soon as you leave college at the end of June you're all like "woaah guys, lets make this a summer to remember!" but then you get home to find your mum going crazy about university, "if you don't go to an amazing one i'll chop your head off" (she's scottish- go figure) and your results day slowly looms closer and closer. Whilst you don't exactly care about your results too much, you find yourself lost in a wave of stress and fear over the pressure to succeed. Your parents happily stress you out daily, by ordering prospectuses and waking you up on Saturday mornings screaming "I'VE FOUND ANOTHER COURSE THAT'S PERFECT FOR YOU." Your parents also assume that you're extremelly bright (note my spelling of extremelly) and believe you're going to be applying for Durham, Warwick and St Andrews. In secret you google Oxford Brookes and Chichester.

You regret buying shorts and mini dresses in May because you're still wearing your fur coat and boots from last winter

As I said earlier, it's really cold. I'm currently wearing a wooly beret, tights, dress, dressing gown and thick socks. This isn't because I'm a weirdo (I am a weirdo, but this has nothing to do with what I'm wearing) it'sbecause it's really really cold.  My summers of waterfights, beer gardens and camping under the stars usually dissolve into "Cinema on Wednesday?" "yeah cool."

That picturesque idea your mum had of you all on holiday turned into a grey, overcast week of non-stop fear and making yourself unattractive in photos for the lols -

How to tell if someone is boring through facebook

I'm all for not judging people through facebook, I'm like totally against it. However, there are some people you met once, added you on facebook and post the most mind numbingly dull facebook updates about their boyfriend, their coursework or even their pet guinea pigs, BORRIN. Here is a list kindly compiled to help you sort the dull from the dumb and the normal to the lame, (I sound like Anne Robinson from the Weakest Link, cool).

Kitty and what subjects she takes at college
People are always boring when they mention their academic achievements on facebook. For example Kitty here, (Kitty was invented for this blog, she does not exist) achieved 8 grade Bs in her GCSEs and is now starting New College to do phycology (which is the study of algae, so I presume she means psychology) to hopefully achieve CCCC to go on to some really average university to do Events Management. Kitty you may have some crazy name but god you're dull.

 Jessica Bum and Mr Boring's fast but passionate relationship
Nothing is worse than when stupid people who cannot spell confess their love for eachother through facebook. It' gets quite exiting when their short, whirlwind romance ends abruptly and angry status updates like "fukkenn h8 men, all prikz, gna becum lesbo" emerge, causing your nosey side to giggle and squeal in delight.


The predictable statuses and the comments that follow

Another example :  Leela Shoefoot: Passed my driving test wooop wooo!!
                  Daniel Horsefetish says: WARNIN- RESIDENTS OF SWINDON GET OFF THE ROAD
                   Craig Kettlechips says: Woooo! Road trip! Come round myn latr? ;)

Jess Hall

My good friend Jess is currently in the process of getting signed to some big record label. She's an amazing singer, like a properly amazingly talented singer - kind of like an angel, if angels had Swindon accents. 

I've known her since I was about 7 and we were amazingly close throughout secondary school  and seeing her get all sucessful and musical is going to be so bloody weird- up until year 10 I swear she didn't know how to put a pizza in the oven.

I had the thought earlier yesterday to interview her now and one year in the future to see how her outlooks on everything have changed, or even if they have.

Jessiwess. To star off with how, or what do you picture yourself doing in one years time?

Well, in a years time, I picture myself touring and recording with my band, Stef P Alex Stone and Andy Vincent, I want to be stood beside bands like Bon Iver, Iron & Wine and Damien Rice: all amazing musicians. I want to be on a stage, singing one of our songs, and then I want to stop singing, and have the crowd sing it back to me. Thousands of people I've never met singing a song I wrote when I was more then likely sat on my spinny chair having a cheeky spin. That would be INCREDIBLE.

I love watching it on TV when they do that, they always seem to focus on some idiot mouthing shapes because they don't know the words. Anyway, have you got any idea what is going to be happening yet? As in things like tour dates or when an album is materialising and stuff? More importantly though, are you going to be dying your hair blonde?

Haha! I hope to god my hair doesnt go blonde! I've got crazy dark eye brows so I'd look like a right weirdo. No, no dates are set yet, I know I have song writing sessions in London, photo shoots with the band, I havent got a set time period for the recording of my album, that'll start when they have my whole image sorted out. For now I think its all about gigging in London infront of the industry people, and creating a fan base, then the photos and videos start.

How much of your image are they wanting to change? Be completely honest, are you worried about going through the whole makeover thing, what if they make you look like a tit?!

I'm not worried about image really, ive gone over it with them and i sent them images that i want to sort of be perceived as, and they are keeping my country bumpkin'nessin me haha, the girl from the village no ones heard of kind of look. A a hair cut would be wonderful, havent had one of those in a good few months - starting to look quite like a bush, I wont lie.

Music critics can be really cruel middle aged men who enjoy putting all music down that isn't Madonna or Oasis, because you're neither and you're very young are you worried about recieving critisism?

I'm not worried about critism, if anything, I'm excited, because at the end of the day thats going to push me more - if it doesnt, then I'll know im not strong enough for the industry.

Is there in paticular one person, musically who stands out to you as your greatest influence? For instance was there any musician, song or album that  really pushed or inspired you to sing and write music?

I have a fair few to pick from, for so many different reasons. A song called Blowers Daughter by Damien Rice inspires me with the music side of song writing, because every instrument and every line and every riff is absoloutely stunning and so clever - so that sort of song inspires me with the music. Then theres artists like Bon Iver- Justin the singer is an actual lyrical genius. He writes songs with so much feeling, I take that sort of emotion and put it into my lyrics and performance but write my lyrics in a more relatable fashion unlike Justin who writes in a more metaphorical way.

If you had to collaborate with an artist for a song, who would you like it to be most?

Rolf Harris... jokes. Well, he is a mighty fine musician - i'll give him that haha! But someone with access to a huge orchestra and a massive sound... I'm not going to lie, collabering with Muse would be TOO MUCH FUN.

 

I love rolf harris, saw him at Glastonbury this year, probably one of the highlights of the weekend. He has his own rapper. Did you know that?

 WHUT! Why was I not aware of this!! I pray to god there is evidence on youtube.

What I'm trying to say Jess, is that it's hard to make it in the business without a rapper.

I'm gon' get me one of those

How famous do you think you will be in six months time?

 ahh I doubt I'll be famous in 6 months - it would be nice. I think getting anywhere big with my music will take me a good year or two, need to learn the business before I jump straight in and get bewildered by fame!

 I've ran out of ideas for things to ask you, so I'm going to wrap this up nicely with a little piece of advice and a sly request.  1. Never, no matter how much they pay you do an interview with Heat magazine. 2. Can I interview you again in a years time?

Yes you can interview me again!!! I'll stay clear from Heat magazine - I'm pretty sure I've only even seen one on the telly. Thank You for questioning me Holly Stewart!! Love you long time, pahah.

Lookalikes/dopplegangers/brothers from different mothers

King Theoden.

MIA and Konnie Huq

Moss and the bloke from Boney M

Big Baby/ Thom Yorke/ Paris Hilton