I'm old now. Proper old.
I went to the opticians earlier for an eyetest and I had to
pay. No more free drugs and getting my mum to buy me glasses from the 'teen' section.. I got my card out and I
paid. Like a
woman.
Growing up isn't anything like films and tv taught me. At age 9 I genuinely thought that being 16 would be amazing, I'd go to parties and sip J20 in glittery hair mascara and black velvet flares (early 00s).
It wasn't. In fact I was wearing jeans about 3 sizes too small, my hair was the colour of a crunchy-nut cornflake and my main topic of conversation was how much I
loved The View. (DREAMBOAT)
Here are some more things that are LIES.
Handbags
I used to be in awe of my mum's handbags. I used to dream of the day I was old enough to have
stuff to put in mine.
But they're lying, handbags aren't fun they're bloody annoying, I mean -they're BEAUTIFUL but heavy and awkward to carry. and if you're walking around Gillingham after 6pm they're also terrifying. (note to self: stop clutching onto your bag and trembling)
I had a pink wicker bag with big orange daisies on when I was about 7. I wanted to be a woman so I asked my mum what to keep in it. She gave me some old receipts and a stick of chewing gum. I put the bag on my chubby wrist and swanned around my house as though I was a princess.
What do I keep in mine now?
- bank card
- costa card
- passport
- railcard
- moonshine
- used train tickets
- hair serum
- lipstick
- student ID
- an elf
- mirror
- 439 receipts
- a rainbow
- 3 leaflets for Arundell castle
- a ticket for Arundell castle
- Arundell Castle
- goat carcass
- 2 x chocolate bar wrappers
- a plastic bag containing 3 yorkshire teabags
- 3 euro
- £1.57
- A small rectangular piece of floral card
What have I used today? The bank card (and the elf- but that's a totally different story). Did I need to take a handbag out? No.
Deciding what to wear to parties
TV taught me that getting ready for parties was a wonderful, giggly occasion filled with champagne, girlfriends and endless silky dresses.
It's actually more a case of "what do I have that is clean and flattering(ish) that isn't covered in fluff or cat fur?"
Also, there isn't any preening in front of a
mirror like this , it's usually a case of putting on a bit more eyeliner and deodorant in a dirty bathroom mirror whilst swigging out of a warm can of Carlsberg.
Getting the bus
Teenagers at the bag of the bus were so cool. Jabbering on about what Tanya did to Kevin on their Nokia 3310s in their
pink mckenzie jackets with their hair perfectly slicked back, although leaving two strands of hair stuck to their forehead to frame their overly plucked brows.
To 8 year old me, they were the coolest people ever. Such fun they had! I couldn't wait to be old enough to get the bus without Bev and to sit at the back with all my friends to giggle about Mr Samson and Mr Cauldwell's frightening neck veins whilst dizzy on watered down coca-cola.
I got the bus today - it was 20 minutes late. I sat by myself in the middle of the bus. I checked Twitter and got annoyed at how the steamed up windows were creating puddles of foul smelling liquid right next to my seat. Buses are
great.
Chavs vs Emos
I mean, I know I was about 12 when this all happened but still, I thought that this would go on
forever. I thought that as long as my friends dressed like me I'd have stuff in common with them. I couldn't ever be friends with a
chav*, with their dirty jogging bottoms and white England shirts. I could only EVER get on with people in h&m skinny jeans and a cute fluro hoody with dinosaurs on saying "rawr means i luv u" or some shit.
But that EMO VS CHAV thing died out with 2006, (remember 06/06/2006 and 'Beat an Emo day'?) and everyone after that just blended together like some sort of teenage-stereotype smoothie.
Dating
Bring It On was literally my favourite film ever when I was 10. I used to constantly rent it on VCR and hiss with Arron came on screen and swoon when Cliff did.
I thought
Missy was bad-ass and
Torrance was the epitome of female perfection. (That bit where she went up to Arron and mimicked his 'maybe you're just not captain material' speech but with 'boyfriend material' was the most BITCHIN' thing I had
ever seen). But still, dating was so not like that. and it still isn't.
In Bring It On, Cliff made Torrance a tape with a
song he wrote about her on.
In real life, Cliff would have stared at Torrance awkwardly for a couple of months before drunkenly texting her "i cnt stand ur cheerledin skwad bt i luv ur tits", after which they'd never, ever speak again.
In Bring It On, Torrance dumped Arron after catching him cheating on her and never spoke to him again.
In real life, Torrance would have still dumped him, but afterwards she'd have cut all her hair off in some sort of " FREE WOMAN" liberation thing.
*chav is a vile word and pretty much means, "poor and common". If you're going to be classist, you may as well just cut out the mystery and call the person you'd call a chav " a poor Iceland guzzler."
