hot tips for avoiding mental breakdown☨

Sometimes I rock back and forth in my chair* thinking about things that I shouldn't be think about like ponies and how many grapes I could eat in a minute (my estimate is not many because i'd give up because theyre not unhealthy for me). But more often than that I feel on the verge of a cliff due to my mum's screeching about my sniffing (not drugs kids, i mean snotty nose sniffing) and my brother crying because world of war hammer isn't loading. but I'm not a mental breakdown yet and thats because I'm a strong willed and independent woman**, like beyonce or something.


Think about or google fluffy animals

It's physically addictive, I read somewhere in the Observer that watching videos of cute animals laughing or being tickled or falling asleep quickly or getting cuddled by it's mum or eating milk and getting it on their little tiny nose gives you a chemical release which is addictive. It's DEFINITELY not just me that wants to put their tiny animal hands on your cheeks and nuzzle their belly as proven here, and also by the millions of views "penguin getting tickled" or whatever has on youtube. Try it. 


Buy a pair of ear plugs

the style above are particularly good because when you have had them in your ear for a while they'll go all waxy and ear flavoured and you can trick an enemy into thinking that they're rhubarb and custards and they'll eat them and DIE. but thats not all they're good for, last week at Glastonbury I put these in for pendulin before Beyonce so I didn't have to listen to their crappy drum and bass for emos music. It worked, I didn't hear any of it and my sanity remained intact and the greatest of all sanities. Basically, put these in everytime your Mum is hyperventilating over the fact you left some socks on the stairs. Ignorance is bliss


Keep your spell check on English (US) so you can feel smarter than a machine

My example is German, but whatever. I remember typing up notes all that time ago when I was still in free education (a whole three weeks ago!) and I wrote UK down and that little paperclip PRICK said "don't you mean US?" and it made me feel like I was better than a multi-billion pound company because at least I know that the UK and the US are different things. Since then though however, I've kept my spell check on US because if I write "flavour" it says "don't you mean, flavor?" and thats enough to give me a tiny ego boost.


Get some loser friends 

This is kind of a loose term. You just have to know you're better than them. Their weakness can be anything, pick from

• A habit of chanting "lets get fookin' mental" everytime theyre out past 11pm
• A friend with a fear of carpets
• Being unable to tell the time 
• Having their girlfriend's face printed onto a duvet
• Someone who doesn't like The Beatles

you get the jist. Hang around with them and talk about their insecurities, it'll be like opening a gaping window into their soul. they'll be vulnerable, crying about how they felt when they found out David Tennant was leaving Doctor Who and you can SWOOP in, stop them from crying and be a brilliant person and it'll feel your tiny belly with a soft "i'm so brilliant" buzz.

☨ this is absolutely not guaranteed to avoid you having a mental breakdown
* i don't even have a chair : (
** type thing.