my guide to tricking people into thinking you're clever (and why alcohol is your friend).

~ I'm not gonna say I'm good at tricking people into thinking that I'm clever - one of my greatest acheievements being scraping a C at GCSE maths, but whatever. ~

Sometimes people can be really good at pretending that they're clever, when in actual fact theyre a bit dumb, and genuinely think that East Anglia is in Asia (I did when I was younger, but thats fine). But pretending you have brains is actually quite easy. Pronounce your Ts, wear glasses and instead of laughing, chortle. Good. You're already almost there..

Wear a motarboard when out shopping in tesco

This will enable people to know that you already have a degree, despite the fact you haven't talked to them. Even if you don't have a degree, wear one anyway. If one of your friends sees you in the Yogurt aisle pretend you're drunk and can't remember why you're wearing it.

Get Oscar Wilde quotes all over your facebook

It doesn't have to be Oscar Wilde though, it can be anyone dead. Dead people are fucking awesome. Everyone loves a dead person. Ian Curtis, Kurt Cobain, Marilyn Monroe, Ghandi, Warhol, Jim Morrison, Sylvia Plath, Ant & Dec. Basically, any intellectual who is now dead will do. Ideally someone who most people don't really know much about, other than who they are. Google them, bit of research and thats all you need. Add a couple of these into your "who inspires you" on facebook and never get questioned, and if you do, yet again pretend that you're drunk to avoid confrontation.

Pretend that you're well rounded

Not well rounded in a Javva the hut sort of way, you silly goose! I mean well rounded in for instance, sciences and languages. BUT you don't have to be, just know what EMc2 means and how to say hello in Japanese. A lot of people are too stupid to question what youre saying, and even if they do, AGAIN pretend you've drunk shit loads of Chardonnay or Port and that youre too drunk to explain. Alcohol is your friend.

Know some facts

here are some of my favourites 

• You know those pony statues you get, where there is some bloke with a mustache riding on it in bronze? Well if both the front feet of the horse is up, it means the bloke died in battle directly, if one of the front hoofs are raised, then the man died of battle-related injuries. If both are down, you can assume that the man died of something boring, like choking on a peanut or getting mowed down by a tractor.
• In the First English Civil War, Charles I's nephew, Prince Rupert of the Rhine had a pet poodle called Boye. This dog was tied up whilst Rupert was waving his sword around (not like THAT you dirty bastard) but escaped to help his tiny master. The parliamentary side captured the dog, believing it to have magical powers and being able to spy on parliament and woof back to royalist forces what their plans were. They killed the dog. 
• In major cities, the reason the wealthy side is on the West and the poorer side is on the East is generally because wind goes from West to East, and so the smell of the poor slums won't get blown towards the rich people. 
• When the world eventually gets completely nuked, the only thing surviving will be cockroaches, nappies and Nicki Minaj's butt. (silicon).
• if they ask you for more interesting facts, say that you're too drunk to remember anymore.

- if you're reading this, I'm not drunk.