Now, I know you're probably thinking "Oh Holly, stop stereotyping us, we're all so good and wholesome". Actually you're all rubbish. ALL OF YOU.
Look at you, with dribble on your hairy chin and the chocolate stains on your grey jogging bottoms. How beautifully they go with your novelty 'Family Guy' tshirt. You BASTARD.
ANYWAY....
THE "MY TEARS AND SOUL ARE BLACK" TYPE
"hey girlfriend, you're the best thing in my life right now. without you i'd die" he'd say, clutching his notebook full of thoughtful drawings of crucifixes, heavily kholed eyes and endless attempts at song lyrics.
I never had one of these, but when I was 12 I was desperate for an emo boyfriend. One who would give me his atticus hoody to wear when we were hanging outside Blue Banana and sing "Ohio is For Lovers" with me over msn messenger.
I wanted one so I could put his name (he'd be called something hopelessly middle class like Elliott or GerardWay) in my MySpace 'heroes' section, along with the date we met (two weeks ago) and how we'd be together forever even though we were only 12 and I'd known him two weeks and he originally fancied my prettier friend but when she rejected him he chose me instead because I was fatter and more likely to fall for his depressive charms.
Did I mention he'd write poetry? Here is an example of his work:
Holly Holly Holly
without you I wouldn't be so jolly
youre nice to kiss although i haven't
yet. but one day soon i will
and i'll be so happy i swear i will kill
myself
one day if you leave me
DEEP
The 'I'm so cool I'm so cool wow you're not as cool as me so you can piss off' type
You know the type. They really like Topman although they say they don't, they like Wu Lyf and Four Tet and OFWGKTA, whilst simultaneously posting Facebook links to bands that Pitchfork rated 10/10 whilst passing them off as his own discovery.
I actually went out with one of these idiots for a whole year and a bit and it was awful. He once told me that he genuinely thought he was Ian Curtis reincarnated, I pointed out that I didn't think he was and he threw a tantrum, claiming that I "just didn't get him"
Sometimes, he'd tell me that he wanted to cheat on me because I was such an awful girlfriend - the next day he'd say it never happened and he didn't mean it, and that it was his clinical depression (which developed into bipolar disorder, which later turned into schizophrenia) which he ACTUALLY made up to sound interesting.
So yeah, from my experience, they may seem all cool (pretentious) in their Hawaiian shirts and their ability to look unhealthy a lot, but in reality they probably have an Oedipus complex and bad hygiene.
The 'I have no feelings! I am a MAN!' type
The manlier the man says he is, the more likely he is to be a total dribbly sop.
He may appear to go out tearing phone books in half, breathing fire and assembling flat-pack furniture
for single mothers - but in reality he's PROBABLY more likely to be sitting inside sobbing because he started thinking about 'The Notebook', especially the scene with the swans (it gets him every time!)
He'll be all manly(a bit sexist), saying things like "you're my woman" and occasionally he'll pick you up and comment on how light you are (a LIE) to make you feel better about the fact that you just ate an entire pack of oreos in one go, after eating a bagel and a bowl of pasta*.
He's nice, so never dump him - if only because when you do he'll dribble down his chin, his nose will bubble with snot and he'll make wailing noises that sound like foxes mating.
The 'foooootbaaaaaaall, I love foooooottbaaaalll, fooottieee woooo' type
I've never gone out with anyone that likes football so much that they talk about it a lot. Maybe I only ever go out with poofs. Hmmn. Anyway, he'd like football so much he'd wear the scarf to sleep and in a loving way, he'd say things like "Oh Holly, you make feel as happy as the time that my favourite team one the premier league." Which, from being on Twitter, strikes me as a big thing. I'd be so flattered I'd start supporting that team too.
I wouldn't really, I don't understand football, I'm too busy googling pictures of famous women crying
to keep up with it.
* I totally didn't eat all that in one go... I actually ate half the oreo pack.
Disclaimer - only one of these types are based on an actual exboyfriend of mine. If you know me, you'll know which one it is. Also, if you're reading this and I DID date you once, even if it was only for like, 20 seconds - this is all BASED ON NO ONE and no one get offended okay, cheerz.
