How to live FOREVER

I watch films sometimes (really!?!) and sometimes in these films there are evil people (well, they're supposed to be evil, in reality they're just really fucking cool) who want to live forever. For example, Voldemort, Sauron, the Gallagher brothers, Nicholas Flamel, Jesus. The list goes on. and on. and on. and on a bit longer.
From watching these films or hearing about these people who won't ever. fucking. die. I now have a PRETTY good understanding on how to live forever. I won't EVER die, and neither will you if you follow all of this information which I'm about to tell you.

Eat a doctor, have loads of children and use their organs

Next time you go to the Doctor, go prepared. Take with you a load of poison darts and a scalpel. Dart the doctor until he or she passes out. Next, scalpel out their brain and eat it. Now you have all the knowledge of a doctor. Honestly, it works. It's science. 

Now you have to persuade another person of the opposite sex to do the same. Next, breed. Eight or so children should suffice.

NOW, if one of your organs fails, cut the healthy, working organ out of your son or daughter and get your mating partner to operate on you to put it in. Repeat until you're Frankenstien and you're still alive in 2010030 years. Thank catsandknitting, win an Oscar, go to tesco and buy some milk. You genius.

Cut out your soul and put it in a tree to create a SPIRIT TREE 

If you're not very good with blood, and eating a Doctor's brain doesn't really appeal to you, then you could always try creating a SPIRIT TREE. All you have to do to create a spirit tree is put your soul into a tree. Which is easy (just sneeze on a tree without covering your nose and don't say 'bless you'). Maybe you'll fall in love with another spirit tree and have tiny tree babies. This is a good plan, providing angry people who love concrete don't try to chop you down. but it's okay, this is why we have greenpeace.

Drink orange juice

This slightly creepy looking child has got it right. Drinking orange juice means you will never die. Ever. It is true. It's full of vitamin C (?) and it tastes good and it's the same god damn colour as the sun. The sun gives us life - and by drinking orange juice you're drinking the sun and in turn drinking the ELIXIR OF LIFE. 

how to suppress boredom and COME ALIVE !

Someone told me once that the English language is one of very few that has a word meaning bored'. That means that everyone in English speaking countries are spoilt, lazy and generally just a bit dickish.
I am currently situated in Kent, which is in England. The language I am currently typing in is (hopefully) English. This means that I am spoilt, lazy and a bit dickish. or something. This intro really isn't going very well is it? No.


Write a life plan

This is my life plan, from when I was bored a minute ago (ie. right now)
I want to graduate, but refuse to wear one of the stupid hats. Then I'll cry a bit and then I'll get a job. Then I'll cry a bit more. Then I'll get a wife. Then I'll father 8 children from 9 different sexual partners. I'll go on Jeremy Kyle. Then I'll cry on Jeremy Kyle. Then I'll die on my sofa in my sleep.
There, 30 seconds of boredom annihilated. 


Make some eggs

I don't mean chicken eggs, or duck or dinosaur or David Cameron eggs - I mean try making your OWN egg. Like, try laying one. When I was younger, I used to say "he made an egg" instead of saying "he let some wind go" - I don't mean that either. I really want you to get some cardboard, glue some shell or shiny plastic to it and create a tiny egg. Maybe make friends with it, call it Mandy, take it on holiday, do whatever you want, it's your egg.

Tidy up! 

ha ha, not really.

Research some chat-up lines 

So that next time you see or talk to someone you think is quite nice you don't insult them, give them a fake name, tell them that their hair looks stupid, call them a wanker or ask them what type of tail they'd grow if they could. (all being true) and also so that you have someone to harass via text.

. Here are some good chat up lines that I made up myself -  

• Hello, I drink Jack n Coke. 
• Do you use window washer to clean your underwear? "why" Because I can smell vinegar.
• Hey baby, is your name Fred Flintstone? "No, why?" Because you're fat and you look stupid.
• How do you like your eggs? Do you want to meet my egg? She's called Mandy.
• Hey baby, did you hurt yourself when you fell from heaven? because you look kinda mutilated.
• Do you want to see some photos of my cat?
• Do you believe in love at first sight? No me neither, it's corny and stupid and I hate everyone.
• You've been running through my mind all day. Your arse wobbles when you run, go on a diet.
• Was your dad a terrorist? "no" because you're the bomb. also you look kinda evil and mentally unstable.

WRITE A REALLY SHITE BLOG

How not to do a Freshers week.

To be really honest, I didn't even do it that badly. I was genuinely expecting myself to have a mental breakdown by the Wednesday and to subsequently be in a mental hospital by the Thursday, neither of which, thankfully, took place. I'm currently still alive (I think, unless this is a cruel joke. I'm totally googling 'how to know you're not dead' and this is what I got, so yeah I'm alive). ANYWAY this is a lovely fine guide on how NOT to do your freshers week, based on my own, personal failings.


Get a haircut BEFORE you arrive, not the week after

Follow the big fat smiley man's example and get your haircut. I made the mistake of not getting my haircut for 16 months prior to moving to Uni, and I genuinely think that a lot of people on my course are intimidated by the pile of red frizz and split ends currently perched on my head. I have this idea that when I get my hair sheared on Friday (I hope they have a chainsaw) that suddenly everyone will smile when I walk into the room and everyone will start calling me "Angel" or "Lady" and blokes will start putting their jackets down when I walk so my feet can always be padded and warm. I do, obviously know that this won't happen and that people will carry on tutting and rolling their eyes when I stumble in 5 minutes late with panda eyes and a tongue the colour, taste and texture of a bourbon biscuit. BUT OH WELL HERE IS HOPING.

When doing those "make friend! lots of friend!" exercises try not to have a minor panic attack

 

I know they're a lovely idea, but there is so much more fun to be had in getting to know your fellow course-buds at 2am, drunk off of 50p tequila in a local shitey nightclub. Especially when, if you're me, you get incredibly nervous when put on the spot and will run around screaming for a couple of minutes when asked about your music taste. I think I frightened some people that day, not just these new strangers, I frightened myself. How did my brain let me do that? I don't understand. I won't understand. Just thinking of how and why I did that is making my life ache. 

Don't get a reputation for being 'the drunk one'

No matter how many times I tell myself "Hey,Holly, only stick with half a pint tonight, you'll regret it when you wake up and your friends are saying to you 'OH JEE YOU SAID/DID SOME CRAZY RUBBISH LAST NIGHT'"  but then before you know it I've had a whole pint of beer and I'm lying on a wall singing along to The Smiths with some people I've just met, with tears running down my face and my phone in my hand and oh wait, I'm texting people I fancy saying "OH MY GOD I FANCY YOU HAHHAAHHA". I know people say that this is what Freshers week is about, but it really isn't about getting yourself a reputation. Don't!!!!!!! (Unless they're lightweights too then it's okay). I really hope my mum isn't reading this. (Hey Bev)

Don't spend your student loan on shoes

Actually no, DO spend your student loan on shoes. Shoes last longer than food and they're prettier. Buy books too. Lots o' books. (Don't buy food though. That shite is unnecessary).

Applying for 'Take Me Out'

TAKE ME OUT GIRLS APPLICATION FORM 2011
FULL NAME: (as on passport)
Holly Stewart
FIRST NAME THAT YOU PREFER TO BE CALLED:	AGE:
Holly	18
HOME ADDRESS:
WINDRUSH, HIGHWORTH, SWINDON
YOUR CONTACT NUMBERS:
OFFICE: HOME: MOBILE
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS:
mynameiscal@gmail.com
CITY OR TOWN ORIGINALLY FROM:
SWINDON
ARE YOU:   SINGLE / MARRIED / SEPARATED / DIVORCED
Single
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN MARRIED OR ENGAGED?  IF YES – HOW MANY TIMES?
Nope never
CURRENT OCCUPATION:
Student
PREVIOUS JOBS:
Emptying bins
WHO DO YOU LIVE WITH?
Mum, Dad, Brother and the cat.
HOW TALL ARE YOU? (in Feet and Inches)
5ft and a bit
ARE THERE ANY DATES BETWEEN NOW AND NOVEMBER 2011 THAT YOU WOULD NOT BE AVAILABLE FOR AUDITIONS OR RECORDINGS?
Nah
DO YOU HAVE ANY MEDICAL CONDITIONS OR DISABILITIES WHICH WE SHOULD BE AWARE OF AND/OR ANY SPECIAL REQUIREMENTS -  IF YOU ARE REQUIRED TO ATTEND AN AUDITION?
WE ARE HOPING TO HOLD AUDITIONS IN (OR NEAR) SOME OF THE FOLLOWING CITIES: ♥  MANCHESTER  ♥  LIVERPOOL ♥ BIRMINGHAM  ♥  NOTTINGHAM  ♥  CARDIFF  ♥  BRISTOL  ♥ ♥ LONDON  ♥ EXETER  ♥  BELFAST  ♥  LEEDS  ♥   NEWCASTLE  ♥  GLASGOW ♥ EDINBURGH ♥ IF  OFFERED  AN AUDITION – PLEASE INDICATE WHICH WOULD BE YOUR 1ST & 2ND MOST CONVENIENT CITIES:
1st. London 2nd Bristol
PLEASE NOTE – owing to the numbers of people who apply – not everyone who applies for this show can be offered an audition. Auditioning does not guarantee a place on the show.
HOBBIES & INTERESTS:  (please include sports that you take part in or watch, clubs you belong to, musical instruments you can play etc)
Eating, watching the news, eating, cats, playing the mandolin, monkeys, eating cats and getting the bus.
HAVE YOU EVER APPEARED ON A TV SHOW? (Please give dates & details)
I was in Blue Peter once, they were filming the ‘Bikeathon’ in my town (SWINDON REPRESENT) and I was stood behind Liz Barker. I was 9 though.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL TALENTS?  (Funny or serious)
No I’m not special enough for talent.
DO YOU HAVE ANY UNUSUAL OR IRRITATING HABITS?
I find the sound of people being sick really funny. I also don’t like touching metal.
WHAT QUALITIES WOULD YOUR IDEAL MAN HAVE? (Looks, features, personality)
Nerdy and hilarious.
ARE ANY OF YOUR FAMILY MEMBERS SINGLE? SISTER / BROTHER / MUM / DAD / DAUGHTER / SON (Give details below of anyone aged 18+):
My older brother will always be single.
HOW DID YOU FIRST HEAR ABOUT APPLYING FOR THIS SHOW? (Please be specific, eg if it was a website please say which one or if it was an email please say who from)
I was suggesting my friend to apply but I decided I might instead.
PLEASE GIVE US THE CONTACT PHONE NUMBERS OF TWO GOOD FRIENDS OR RELATIVES THAT WE COULD CONTACT IN CASE OF EMERGENCIES: (please state relationship)
1.Bev (mum) I’m not giving you her number you perve 2.Pete (Dad) – Same again.
PLEASE  POST  FORM WITH PHOTO TO: TAKE ME OUT TALKBACKTHAMES TELEVISION 1 STEPHEN STREET, LONDON W1T 1AL OR EMAIL  WITH PHOTO TO:  takemeoutgirls@talkbackthames.tv APPLICATIONS WITHOUT PHOTOS WILL NOT BE CONSIDERED!
Will you allow us to hold this info on our talkbackThames TV contestant database?	YES
May we pass this information on to our other quiz show programmes?	YES
I confirm that I have read, understood and agree to the “Take Me Out” Application Terms & Conditions.  I confirm that all information provided herein is accurate, truthful and is in no way misleading and I consent to this information being used in the show should I be selected. SIGNED:  ............<<~~~~~~~~holly stewart~~~~~>>.   DATE:  ..15th SEPTEMBER 2010...... Print Name: ....................H O L L Y S T E W A R T...................................................... PRIVACY: We take your privacy very seriously. By submitting this application form, you consent to any personal information that you provide being used for the purpose of assessing your suitability for the Programme, and if successful, for the production of the Programme (in whatever format). If you have any questions regarding our use of your personal information please contact the Data Protection Officer, FremantleMedia Limited, 1 Stephen Street, London W1T 1AL or send an e-mail to Privacy.officer@fremantlemedia.com.  I'll let you all know how I get on.

nights out on a budget

MY HOT HOT HOT TIPS

I'm a poor person. Look at me, with my bitten nails, unbrushed hair and wild eyes. I'm p-o-o-r. Most of my friends aren't, so basically I've had to pretend I have more than 50p to my name to avoid being inside forever (like what I'm doing this weekend, I'M SO BORED SOMEONE LOVE ME FFS), and ANYWAY I think I've done quite well at it (the pretending to be classy thing)

• Drink your drink really quickly because it'll make you feel drunk even though you're not (too poor to buy a drink? read on)
• Pretend to everyone that you have this really awesome magic trick that you can do but need two pints do to it. The magic trick is drinking them both really quickly and running away.
• If you have under 18 friends, offer to go buy their cigarettes and alcohol, but sneakily pretend that it altogether costed £14 when it cost £12. Don't tell your victim. (thanks for this one, craig ; ) )
• Wearing the same thing night after night? just put on a new exciting pin badge to spruce it up, like one with your favourite monarch on or member of Girls Aloud. 
• Pretend youre famous. Like if you look vaguely like the bloke who plays Sophie Webster in coronation street, pretend you're her (nothern accent is needed) and people will be like "OH GOD YOURE MY IDOL PLEASE LET ME GET YOU DRUNK". 
• Does it cost to go into this particular place?. Hang around outside looking sad, but sexy - so someone will pay for you to go in. 
• Too ugly to play the "I'm sexy, buy me a drink?" card? Wear a mask.
• Can't find a suitable mask to fit your hideously deformed disgusting face? HIDE IN A HOLE FOREVER WHY ARE YOU EVEN ALIVE.

my guide to tricking people into thinking you're clever (and why alcohol is your friend).

~ I'm not gonna say I'm good at tricking people into thinking that I'm clever - one of my greatest acheievements being scraping a C at GCSE maths, but whatever. ~

Sometimes people can be really good at pretending that they're clever, when in actual fact theyre a bit dumb, and genuinely think that East Anglia is in Asia (I did when I was younger, but thats fine). But pretending you have brains is actually quite easy. Pronounce your Ts, wear glasses and instead of laughing, chortle. Good. You're already almost there..

Wear a motarboard when out shopping in tesco

This will enable people to know that you already have a degree, despite the fact you haven't talked to them. Even if you don't have a degree, wear one anyway. If one of your friends sees you in the Yogurt aisle pretend you're drunk and can't remember why you're wearing it.

Get Oscar Wilde quotes all over your facebook

It doesn't have to be Oscar Wilde though, it can be anyone dead. Dead people are fucking awesome. Everyone loves a dead person. Ian Curtis, Kurt Cobain, Marilyn Monroe, Ghandi, Warhol, Jim Morrison, Sylvia Plath, Ant & Dec. Basically, any intellectual who is now dead will do. Ideally someone who most people don't really know much about, other than who they are. Google them, bit of research and thats all you need. Add a couple of these into your "who inspires you" on facebook and never get questioned, and if you do, yet again pretend that you're drunk to avoid confrontation.

Pretend that you're well rounded

Not well rounded in a Javva the hut sort of way, you silly goose! I mean well rounded in for instance, sciences and languages. BUT you don't have to be, just know what EMc2 means and how to say hello in Japanese. A lot of people are too stupid to question what youre saying, and even if they do, AGAIN pretend you've drunk shit loads of Chardonnay or Port and that youre too drunk to explain. Alcohol is your friend.

Know some facts

here are some of my favourites 

• You know those pony statues you get, where there is some bloke with a mustache riding on it in bronze? Well if both the front feet of the horse is up, it means the bloke died in battle directly, if one of the front hoofs are raised, then the man died of battle-related injuries. If both are down, you can assume that the man died of something boring, like choking on a peanut or getting mowed down by a tractor.
• In the First English Civil War, Charles I's nephew, Prince Rupert of the Rhine had a pet poodle called Boye. This dog was tied up whilst Rupert was waving his sword around (not like THAT you dirty bastard) but escaped to help his tiny master. The parliamentary side captured the dog, believing it to have magical powers and being able to spy on parliament and woof back to royalist forces what their plans were. They killed the dog. 
• In major cities, the reason the wealthy side is on the West and the poorer side is on the East is generally because wind goes from West to East, and so the smell of the poor slums won't get blown towards the rich people. 
• When the world eventually gets completely nuked, the only thing surviving will be cockroaches, nappies and Nicki Minaj's butt. (silicon).
• if they ask you for more interesting facts, say that you're too drunk to remember anymore.

- if you're reading this, I'm not drunk.

hot tips for avoiding mental breakdown☨

Sometimes I rock back and forth in my chair* thinking about things that I shouldn't be think about like ponies and how many grapes I could eat in a minute (my estimate is not many because i'd give up because theyre not unhealthy for me). But more often than that I feel on the verge of a cliff due to my mum's screeching about my sniffing (not drugs kids, i mean snotty nose sniffing) and my brother crying because world of war hammer isn't loading. but I'm not a mental breakdown yet and thats because I'm a strong willed and independent woman**, like beyonce or something.


Think about or google fluffy animals

It's physically addictive, I read somewhere in the Observer that watching videos of cute animals laughing or being tickled or falling asleep quickly or getting cuddled by it's mum or eating milk and getting it on their little tiny nose gives you a chemical release which is addictive. It's DEFINITELY not just me that wants to put their tiny animal hands on your cheeks and nuzzle their belly as proven here, and also by the millions of views "penguin getting tickled" or whatever has on youtube. Try it. 


Buy a pair of ear plugs

the style above are particularly good because when you have had them in your ear for a while they'll go all waxy and ear flavoured and you can trick an enemy into thinking that they're rhubarb and custards and they'll eat them and DIE. but thats not all they're good for, last week at Glastonbury I put these in for pendulin before Beyonce so I didn't have to listen to their crappy drum and bass for emos music. It worked, I didn't hear any of it and my sanity remained intact and the greatest of all sanities. Basically, put these in everytime your Mum is hyperventilating over the fact you left some socks on the stairs. Ignorance is bliss


Keep your spell check on English (US) so you can feel smarter than a machine

My example is German, but whatever. I remember typing up notes all that time ago when I was still in free education (a whole three weeks ago!) and I wrote UK down and that little paperclip PRICK said "don't you mean US?" and it made me feel like I was better than a multi-billion pound company because at least I know that the UK and the US are different things. Since then though however, I've kept my spell check on US because if I write "flavour" it says "don't you mean, flavor?" and thats enough to give me a tiny ego boost.


Get some loser friends 

This is kind of a loose term. You just have to know you're better than them. Their weakness can be anything, pick from

• A habit of chanting "lets get fookin' mental" everytime theyre out past 11pm
• A friend with a fear of carpets
• Being unable to tell the time 
• Having their girlfriend's face printed onto a duvet
• Someone who doesn't like The Beatles

you get the jist. Hang around with them and talk about their insecurities, it'll be like opening a gaping window into their soul. they'll be vulnerable, crying about how they felt when they found out David Tennant was leaving Doctor Who and you can SWOOP in, stop them from crying and be a brilliant person and it'll feel your tiny belly with a soft "i'm so brilliant" buzz.

☨ this is absolutely not guaranteed to avoid you having a mental breakdown
* i don't even have a chair : (
** type thing.

life plan

I'm going to fail hoplessly in life. The fact that I'm moving out in September and living away from home is something that never fails to make me cackle like a hag (the cackling is usually followed up by crying and a panic attack). Basically I can't do anything. I'm an untidy mess of "I think I'm doing this wrong" and I've actually spelt my name incorrectly an embarrassing amount of times. I don't know where this introduction is going, so I'll make it relevant again. My life plan currently consists of crying my way through certain things of imporance and blagging my way through it all and hopefully it'll all be over quickly so I can die alone in my arm chair to a crap re run of scrubs. or something. I don't know. Yeah anyway, here is what I'm currently hoping for.



CAT CAR

there'll be a time in the near future where you'll be able to get the face/head of your favourite animal stuck to the front of a car for your own driving pleasure. I'm gonna get a cat one. Now, I'm not entirely sure why this car is floating and instead of a car seat it has a dining chair stuck to it - but thats I guess how the future will turn out. I can't wait to buy my cat car. Everything will be okay when I get it. UNTIL...


GETTING SERIOUSLY OBESE

At the age of 25 I'm gonna get seriously obese and be constantly surrounded by floating mcdonalds packets. It's going to rock the world (my thighs will at least). But yeah, I'm also going to get a hilariously unflattering bob cut which will serve to make my head look even more round than it already is. After two years however, I'll lose all the weight and return to my normal size.

Being able to walk in high heels

 
I'll be a new person once my fat has been burnt off. I'll finally try on a pair of high heels and I'll find that I can walk in them. So I get home, recolour my hair blonde and cut my face off and grow a new one and HEY this face is HOT. I then move to Paris and trot around in high heels for two months. Because I can. People smile at me in the street and stop grimacing. Everything is lovely until I realise that all I am is a pretty face with amazing shoes. I cut my shoes off and dye my hair ginger and suddenly my personality is BORN AGAIN.


Dying alone

please. if you're reading this. Please love me. I'm begging you : ( : ( : (

how to turn eighteen successfully and without dissappointment.

I recently turned eighteen. Depending on how old you are, you're probably thinking "eighteen! Pfft I turned eighteen years ago" OR "eighteeen! I can't WAIT to turn eighteen, a whole other world will be open to me!". Either way eighteen is finally the age where you are able to stop having to get your older friends to buy you wine and instead your younger friends start pestering you to buy them wine.


Constantly tell your parents that you're about to get married

Guaranteed to be the most fun you'll have at turning 18, telling your constantly angry parents that you're eloping with your 21 year old boyfriend whom you've known for scarcely two months is destined to be full of hilarity. Try jazzing it up with "it's fine mum, I'm an adult now! I can elope with whoever I want!" and "I know I've only known him two months, but what is two months in comparison to a lifetime" OR EVEN "I've already spent £2000 on your credit card on a big fat greek gypsy wedding style dress!" I've already had one wild evening of fun in this style - so now it's your turn.



Ask shop assistants if they want to see your ID constantly

 Even if you're not buying age protected products. Buy some baby food (even if youre not a baby) and maybe a flump and ask them if they need to see your ID. Hopefully they'll look confused and hurt and this is the best reaction you're gonna get. of course they don't need to see your ID. They might laugh at you - but if they do this you can just say "fine i'll take my business elsewhere" and then they'll get an arse whooping by their manager. Who's laughing now? 
also - ask for a double vodka coke without the vodka in a pub. they'll be so confused.


Voting for the first time

There won't be a general election for a long time sadly but when you finally are able to vote - waste your vote by voting for the monster raving loony party. That way, you won't have to educate yourself about the parties and read through manifestos to decide who you'll actually vote for - you know monster raving loony party won't get in  - you'll be exercising your rights as an over 18 british citizen but not wasting any time so you're still able to fit in telling your parents your wedding plans and buying baby food into your tight schedule.

 Buy a copy of the film SAW but cover it in "My Little Pony" stickers so it looks exactly like a my little pony DVD and give it to a tiny child. heheheheheheehehhehe

 

no inspiration. NONE.

I mean, you don't normally assume things like mediocre blogs to require inspiration, but my god they do. Catsandknitting is now right at the back of my mind like a naggling dissappointment that I keep trying to put off/forget about in the hope that one day I'll remember it and be amazing once again.
Thing is I just can't stop thinking about it. I feel like I've abandoned a tiny child who used to bring me such joy but now has gotten fat and constantly sings tv advertising jingles all the time. or something. yeah..
The only thing I can possibly think about writing about and stuff is a good old update on fun things that have happened.


Going to the Tower of London

A mysterious strange man took me to the tower of london about three weeks ago. now, if you know me at all (which I'm hoping you don;t, I love the idea of strangers reading my blog) I've cried a couple of times over how badly I want to go to the tower. and I went. I saw the ravens and stuff and walked directly into Nick Robinson on the embankment, which made me laugh hysterically for a long time.. and I got a steak. and this steak was incredible. It was almost as big as my face. and it was so good and full of muscle juice. Just the way I like it. Mmmn blood.

Turning into an adult

Yeah man, I'm now eighteen and able to vote and get a tattoo and stuff. If you're a devoted fan, you'll remember last year I wrote a blog about how i hate birthdays here. Breaking the tradition, I had a wonderful birthday full of bacon and free cheesecake and woo woo. I drank a pitcher of woo woo with my friend alexa, (you can read her wonderful blog here) and then went home and napped it off. Which is really 18 of me. But yeah.


here is a list

• Saw some doggers at coate water. My boyfriend beeped and flashed his car lights at them and they got embarrassed. It was hilarious.
• I got caught trying to take a picture of my media teacher and she got annoyed and I got embarrassed. It was awful.
• uhm thats it.

drawings of me doing things

here is me holding a cat in the middle of space-

 here is me eating a sandwhich (which is odd because i dont like sandwhiches)

here is me strutting my stuff for Dior's spring couture show -

here is me as a slaveen from doctor who doing the ironing -

here is me punching an unsuspecting handsome tall man -

my guide to being poor

I'm really good at being thrifty. I've spent seventeen years of my life having to look in bargain bins and shopping at drimark (primark knock off) sales to make myself look relatively half normal. There are downsides however, as I usually smell like dust, moth balls and slime and also that people mistake me for being homeless relatively often. I am poor and I'm relatively proud of it. From going to a very middle class school in Highworth I was told that my income and my house (direct quote here "Don't you live in a scavvy estate?) were bad bad things, and by shopping in drimark (occassionally) that I'm a dirty cheapskate. These things have hurt my feelings in the past, but now I'm 18 with a really fabulous coat I am now able to laugh at people who are richer and posher than me because being poor makes me a totally cooler person. or something. I dont know where I'm going with this introduction anymore.



or where I'm going with this blog.

the perils of public transport

Originally written for - Oh Yeah Me Too - http://ohyeahmetoo.net/archives/1792


Living in Highworth, I’m a 30 minute bus ride from civilisation.
I mean, Highworth is reasonably civilised if you like kebabs and alcohol and a nice, faux- community atmosphere, which I don’t personally. This is why I spend so much of my time on public transport. I worked out last night that I get 25 buses per week, which is dangerous – there are so many dangers that people just don’t realise.
For example, those moments of “Oh, the only seat left is next to the man with a skin disease who is miming along to Lady Gaga. What harm can sitting next to him do?” and “Oh God, i dropped my pen and now it’s rolling all around the floor of the bus. do people know that it was my pen? Do i pick it up? Oh God, oh God”.
So yeah. this blog will hopefully try help you when you get into these transport disasters since I’m a well seasoned bus-hag.


Getting on the bus with your mum and her shouting at teenagers who are swearing

I know the accompanying picture is my mum starting a fight with a young boy in the street, but that’s only because the interiors of buses are suprisingly difficult to draw. Basically, if you’ve ever been on the number 7 bus from Swindon to Highworth, you’ll be well aware of that crazy Scottish lady who sometimes shouts at other passengers for listening to music, swearing, or in a worst case scenario, listening to sweary music..
You’ll ask yourself Who is this strange scottish lady shouting at me? and why does she have so many tentacles? (or something) but honestly, just ignore it. Swear louder and then give her a nose bleed.
WRAPPED UP: Just don’t swear on public transport because it’s just annoying and especially bad when tiny children start repeating it. I mean, it’s hilarious but WRONG.



Over-hearing juicy gossip about strangers

Once, I overheard this -

Man: Serious, I love you and everythink but seriously you’re such a f**king sket, i’ve told you before about my brother and i’ll tell everyone i know if you do it again, watch your f**kin back
Lady: babe i love you too and am sorry but i ent a sket, he tried it on with me and i was pissed and you hadnt talked to me in like a week or summin
Man: mate that is no f*ken excuse shut the f**k up you slag
All the while I had become so overcome with the scandal of the situation I giggled into a clammy mess of “oh my, I hope they don’t sense I’m giggling out of nerves!!! Sometimes, it’s someone you know and that’s especially good, because then their problems become so much more real since you had them on Bebo in year eight.
Stupid people talking

I once overheard a boy talking to his friend how much he was enjoying the Shakespeare play Great Expectations in English, and I was so overcome with rage my vision went blurry for a good twenty seconds.
When you find yourself in situations like this, where people are babbling rubbish that you know to be ridiculous and you want to throttle their tender little throats and then mutilate them violently and hang them upside down so all their blood drains out and makes a little stream and then maybe make some paper boats and make them go sailing in the blood or something, but it’s best that you don’t as you don’t want to go to prison.
When someone you know from school is on the bus but you don’t talk to them anymore. Sit with them or not sit with them?

Forget divorce, getting sacked or finding out your own child isn’t actually your own child, this is probably the worst challenge you’ll face in your adult life. It’s a test of friendship, good-nature and patience. Sure, this person might have breath like garlicky bums, but do you really want their little toe and garlic mouth to be sad? No, of course you don’t. My advice is to sit behind or in front of them, talk to them for as long as you can until it runs dry, then turn around and put on Rufus Wainwright at volume 29 for the remainder of the journey. SHCORE.

Basically just learn to drive.