the perils of public transport

Originally written for - Oh Yeah Me Too - http://ohyeahmetoo.net/archives/1792


Living in Highworth, I’m a 30 minute bus ride from civilisation.
I mean, Highworth is reasonably civilised if you like kebabs and alcohol and a nice, faux- community atmosphere, which I don’t personally. This is why I spend so much of my time on public transport. I worked out last night that I get 25 buses per week, which is dangerous – there are so many dangers that people just don’t realise.
For example, those moments of “Oh, the only seat left is next to the man with a skin disease who is miming along to Lady Gaga. What harm can sitting next to him do?” and “Oh God, i dropped my pen and now it’s rolling all around the floor of the bus. do people know that it was my pen? Do i pick it up? Oh God, oh God”.
So yeah. this blog will hopefully try help you when you get into these transport disasters since I’m a well seasoned bus-hag.


Getting on the bus with your mum and her shouting at teenagers who are swearing

I know the accompanying picture is my mum starting a fight with a young boy in the street, but that’s only because the interiors of buses are suprisingly difficult to draw. Basically, if you’ve ever been on the number 7 bus from Swindon to Highworth, you’ll be well aware of that crazy Scottish lady who sometimes shouts at other passengers for listening to music, swearing, or in a worst case scenario, listening to sweary music..
You’ll ask yourself Who is this strange scottish lady shouting at me? and why does she have so many tentacles? (or something) but honestly, just ignore it. Swear louder and then give her a nose bleed.
WRAPPED UP: Just don’t swear on public transport because it’s just annoying and especially bad when tiny children start repeating it. I mean, it’s hilarious but WRONG.



Over-hearing juicy gossip about strangers

Once, I overheard this -

Man: Serious, I love you and everythink but seriously you’re such a f**king sket, i’ve told you before about my brother and i’ll tell everyone i know if you do it again, watch your f**kin back
Lady: babe i love you too and am sorry but i ent a sket, he tried it on with me and i was pissed and you hadnt talked to me in like a week or summin
Man: mate that is no f*ken excuse shut the f**k up you slag
All the while I had become so overcome with the scandal of the situation I giggled into a clammy mess of “oh my, I hope they don’t sense I’m giggling out of nerves!!! Sometimes, it’s someone you know and that’s especially good, because then their problems become so much more real since you had them on Bebo in year eight.
Stupid people talking

I once overheard a boy talking to his friend how much he was enjoying the Shakespeare play Great Expectations in English, and I was so overcome with rage my vision went blurry for a good twenty seconds.
When you find yourself in situations like this, where people are babbling rubbish that you know to be ridiculous and you want to throttle their tender little throats and then mutilate them violently and hang them upside down so all their blood drains out and makes a little stream and then maybe make some paper boats and make them go sailing in the blood or something, but it’s best that you don’t as you don’t want to go to prison.
When someone you know from school is on the bus but you don’t talk to them anymore. Sit with them or not sit with them?

Forget divorce, getting sacked or finding out your own child isn’t actually your own child, this is probably the worst challenge you’ll face in your adult life. It’s a test of friendship, good-nature and patience. Sure, this person might have breath like garlicky bums, but do you really want their little toe and garlic mouth to be sad? No, of course you don’t. My advice is to sit behind or in front of them, talk to them for as long as you can until it runs dry, then turn around and put on Rufus Wainwright at volume 29 for the remainder of the journey. SHCORE.

Basically just learn to drive.

modern day commandments

We live in an age of people constantly telling us to do things, whether it's to buy our girlfriends sexy lingerie for valentines day or that we should stop googling serial killers and start looking like Beyonce it's all a constant bombardment of "DO THIS DO THAT MORE EFFICENT, OH GOD DAMN I'LL JUST DO IT MYSELF" and such lark. I'm assuming you came here to escape that, but no you're going to get more instructions here. My modern day commandments (there are only two, so dont worry).

Never trust a man in a vest
There are two types of men that wear vests.

1) The above. Likes top gear and his women (when he can find them) in the kitchen making him bacon sandwhiches. I mean, it's not that anyone who ever decides to put on a vest is a bad person, it's just that wearing a vest requires you to assume that everyone wants to see your sexy sillouhette and back fat, which, I'M SORRY but we totally don't. (Unless you're beyonce).

2) He loves himself so much he kisses his arms and his belly button at night time and he even curls his chest hair and his eyelashes so that he looks like a beautiful muscular lady. He isn't to be trusted because he has 18 girlfriends and 3 boyfriends (that exact number because 21 is his favourite number).

Never buy second hand yo-yos from dwarves

 

Your guide to being a pirate

As the film The Aristo-pirates once did sing, Everybody Wants to be a Pirate. I know I do anyway, and as far as I can tell this cat does too. In reality it's a very common aspiration. All you'd ever have to do is fight other pirates for money and maybe drink some beer and job perks include a free talking pirate and some feathered hats. Here is a guide if you, like me, want to be a pirate.


Looks -
Youre not going to be a real pirate unless you've got gangrene skin covered with pocmarks and seaweed like hair. Pirates need to be dressed well too, so you can make your pretty floral dresses walk the plank, bitches. You're going to need to start wearing stripes. Now, I  know what you're thinking, "but Holly, stripes make you look wider, why can I not wear black from head to toe?!" and that is because you're in training to be a pirate, not a goddamn dementor. Here is a photo of me before and after my transformation into pirate -

 

As you can see, I stopped loving cats and started loving murder instead. I also adopted a weird posture (from diggin for booty) and grew eyebrows. All these things are important.

 

Language
I know it's a cliche, but pirates don't go around plundering and talking to their pet parrots in a typical Northern accent about Bruno Mars or Natasha Kaplinski

 

SO, what you really need to do is make yourself think that you're in the 18th century, with a bristol accent. So like this -

 

Here are some other examples of things to say -

Excuse me, do you have the time? - 'ark 'a 'ee fine sir, but what is it that your olde sundial be readin?

Hi, sorry, but do you know which bus goes to Highworth? - greetins, i be sorry for ye interupshaan, alas which ye olde wagon travels to highwyrde?

etc

Also, if you want a pirate boyfriend or a pirate girlfriend you need some chat up lines. Here are some of the best, from here

• Avast, me proud beauty! Wanna know why my Roger is so Jolly?
• Wanna shiver me timbers?
• They don’t call me Long John because my head is so big.
• That’s the finest pirate booty I’ve ever laid eyes on.

 Home

Whilst going out rival pirate gangs and rendevousing with sea prostitutes is a lot of fun, but eventually you're going to have to come home to check your facebook and get some vitamin C down your neck, so why not decorate your home so it matches your galleon? Attach oars to your sofa and spray everything down with salt, maybe hire a couple of actors to pretend to be pirate wenches, If youre not into big renovation work, pin some seaweed up for some fancy feng shui to impress your friends and your pirate girlfriend's parents.

A serious fact - Pirates/sailors used to wear a gold ring in their ear because thats how much it used to cost to get buried in a foreign country, apparently.

things that are just great

Hey, this blog won't be like my usual ones, I think this will be so much more of a regular blog that people do when they take arty photos of their lunch and then take a photo of what they're wearing. except i won't do either of those things as I had some custard creams for lunch and my jeans are covered in talcum powder. but yeah, I think this blog will just be really boring.


Here are some things I like -

 

Modest Mouse

I like modest mouse for a number of reasons and all of them are "because they're just great". Also, look at how mutilated Isaac (we're on first name basis)'s face is, true definition of a FACE MELTER

 Hot water bottles

 

Hot watter bottles

I like hot water bottles because, especially if you have a furry cover, it's kind of like having an overheated dead animal to hug when youre feeling a bit cold, but nothing morbid. I know someone that used to have a hot water bottle shaped like a frog and apparently that was frightening for him, so I'd recommend sticking with a regular shaped one with no face.

Monkey toys

I don't like these really, I think theyre a bit creepy. I'd give one to an enemy though

Shark eyes

Theyre pretty cool - I'd wear these to freak out enemies.