modern day commandments

We live in an age of people constantly telling us to do things, whether it's to buy our girlfriends sexy lingerie for valentines day or that we should stop googling serial killers and start looking like Beyonce it's all a constant bombardment of "DO THIS DO THAT MORE EFFICENT, OH GOD DAMN I'LL JUST DO IT MYSELF" and such lark. I'm assuming you came here to escape that, but no you're going to get more instructions here. My modern day commandments (there are only two, so dont worry).

Never trust a man in a vest
There are two types of men that wear vests.

1) The above. Likes top gear and his women (when he can find them) in the kitchen making him bacon sandwhiches. I mean, it's not that anyone who ever decides to put on a vest is a bad person, it's just that wearing a vest requires you to assume that everyone wants to see your sexy sillouhette and back fat, which, I'M SORRY but we totally don't. (Unless you're beyonce).

2) He loves himself so much he kisses his arms and his belly button at night time and he even curls his chest hair and his eyelashes so that he looks like a beautiful muscular lady. He isn't to be trusted because he has 18 girlfriends and 3 boyfriends (that exact number because 21 is his favourite number).

Never buy second hand yo-yos from dwarves