how to turn eighteen successfully and without dissappointment.

I recently turned eighteen. Depending on how old you are, you're probably thinking "eighteen! Pfft I turned eighteen years ago" OR "eighteeen! I can't WAIT to turn eighteen, a whole other world will be open to me!". Either way eighteen is finally the age where you are able to stop having to get your older friends to buy you wine and instead your younger friends start pestering you to buy them wine.


Constantly tell your parents that you're about to get married

Guaranteed to be the most fun you'll have at turning 18, telling your constantly angry parents that you're eloping with your 21 year old boyfriend whom you've known for scarcely two months is destined to be full of hilarity. Try jazzing it up with "it's fine mum, I'm an adult now! I can elope with whoever I want!" and "I know I've only known him two months, but what is two months in comparison to a lifetime" OR EVEN "I've already spent £2000 on your credit card on a big fat greek gypsy wedding style dress!" I've already had one wild evening of fun in this style - so now it's your turn.



Ask shop assistants if they want to see your ID constantly

 Even if you're not buying age protected products. Buy some baby food (even if youre not a baby) and maybe a flump and ask them if they need to see your ID. Hopefully they'll look confused and hurt and this is the best reaction you're gonna get. of course they don't need to see your ID. They might laugh at you - but if they do this you can just say "fine i'll take my business elsewhere" and then they'll get an arse whooping by their manager. Who's laughing now? 
also - ask for a double vodka coke without the vodka in a pub. they'll be so confused.


Voting for the first time

There won't be a general election for a long time sadly but when you finally are able to vote - waste your vote by voting for the monster raving loony party. That way, you won't have to educate yourself about the parties and read through manifestos to decide who you'll actually vote for - you know monster raving loony party won't get in  - you'll be exercising your rights as an over 18 british citizen but not wasting any time so you're still able to fit in telling your parents your wedding plans and buying baby food into your tight schedule.

 Buy a copy of the film SAW but cover it in "My Little Pony" stickers so it looks exactly like a my little pony DVD and give it to a tiny child. heheheheheheehehhehe

 

no inspiration. NONE.

I mean, you don't normally assume things like mediocre blogs to require inspiration, but my god they do. Catsandknitting is now right at the back of my mind like a naggling dissappointment that I keep trying to put off/forget about in the hope that one day I'll remember it and be amazing once again.
Thing is I just can't stop thinking about it. I feel like I've abandoned a tiny child who used to bring me such joy but now has gotten fat and constantly sings tv advertising jingles all the time. or something. yeah..
The only thing I can possibly think about writing about and stuff is a good old update on fun things that have happened.


Going to the Tower of London

A mysterious strange man took me to the tower of london about three weeks ago. now, if you know me at all (which I'm hoping you don;t, I love the idea of strangers reading my blog) I've cried a couple of times over how badly I want to go to the tower. and I went. I saw the ravens and stuff and walked directly into Nick Robinson on the embankment, which made me laugh hysterically for a long time.. and I got a steak. and this steak was incredible. It was almost as big as my face. and it was so good and full of muscle juice. Just the way I like it. Mmmn blood.

Turning into an adult

Yeah man, I'm now eighteen and able to vote and get a tattoo and stuff. If you're a devoted fan, you'll remember last year I wrote a blog about how i hate birthdays here. Breaking the tradition, I had a wonderful birthday full of bacon and free cheesecake and woo woo. I drank a pitcher of woo woo with my friend alexa, (you can read her wonderful blog here) and then went home and napped it off. Which is really 18 of me. But yeah.


here is a list

• Saw some doggers at coate water. My boyfriend beeped and flashed his car lights at them and they got embarrassed. It was hilarious.
• I got caught trying to take a picture of my media teacher and she got annoyed and I got embarrassed. It was awful.
• uhm thats it.

drawings of me doing things

here is me holding a cat in the middle of space-

 here is me eating a sandwhich (which is odd because i dont like sandwhiches)

here is me strutting my stuff for Dior's spring couture show -

here is me as a slaveen from doctor who doing the ironing -

here is me punching an unsuspecting handsome tall man -

my guide to being poor

I'm really good at being thrifty. I've spent seventeen years of my life having to look in bargain bins and shopping at drimark (primark knock off) sales to make myself look relatively half normal. There are downsides however, as I usually smell like dust, moth balls and slime and also that people mistake me for being homeless relatively often. I am poor and I'm relatively proud of it. From going to a very middle class school in Highworth I was told that my income and my house (direct quote here "Don't you live in a scavvy estate?) were bad bad things, and by shopping in drimark (occassionally) that I'm a dirty cheapskate. These things have hurt my feelings in the past, but now I'm 18 with a really fabulous coat I am now able to laugh at people who are richer and posher than me because being poor makes me a totally cooler person. or something. I dont know where I'm going with this introduction anymore.



or where I'm going with this blog.