Monday 30 August 2010

deepstuff

Today. Is it real? How do I feel? I don't know anymore. Does anyone?
Today I tumbled down. A flight of stairs. Did I feel scared? No. I go down stairs everyday and never is it frightening. I am not afraid of stairs anymore. "Oooh and she's buying the stairway to heaven".

I got stung today. Stung in the leg. Did it hurt? Yes. It hurt my very soul. The leaf peirced my soft pale flesh and gave me a throbbing pain in the leg, causing me agonising discomfort. I find solace in pain, the dull ache fuels a passion within me. A passion for paracetemol.  "It's like Panadol, Paracetamol, These things, they clear in my brain, You ain't got it yet? Well it's my friends and my fam."

It's now 12.21 am. As a child the time of 9pm would be freakishly late. Look at me now, awake at 12.21 and still thinking that it's too early to sleep. Times have changed, have I changed? Or have they changed? One thing is for sure, pop up pirate now has a usb cable?!!?!?!!?!?!11oneoneone







  






Why are all blogs like this? :S

Thursday 26 August 2010

Summer is never as good as you think


Each year around April thousands of people "Like" facebook groups like the ones above. It makes me sad that every year mid August I feel winter approaching, and thus get overly exited about Christmas and begin singing things about sleigh bells, wobbly bellies and warm fires. Today is August the 27th, I'm still the colour of slightly off milk and I haven't spend nights under the stars, haven't been to one beer garden nor have I participated in one water fight. Summer is rubbish.

In England, we will never ever experience on of those American summers that you see in films like The Notebook or Blue Crush. How come in those films everyone knows how to drive? No one ever runs out of money and everyone has unlimited golden coloured friends who are always free for socialising. In every summer holiday I've ever had ever there has always been a period of "oh, all my friends are on holiday. I'm going to make myself busy by studying and reading... Actually sitting on facebook and eating beans on toast is a lot easier, so i'll just do that."

Exams more or less dominate your summer


As soon as you leave college at the end of June you're all like "woaah guys, lets make this a summer to remember!" but then you get home to find your mum going crazy about university, "if you don't go to an amazing one i'll chop your head off" (she's scottish- go figure) and your results day slowly looms closer and closer. Whilst you don't exactly care about your results too much, you find yourself lost in a wave of stress and fear over the pressure to succeed. Your parents happily stress you out daily, by ordering prospectuses and waking you up on Saturday mornings screaming "I'VE FOUND ANOTHER COURSE THAT'S PERFECT FOR YOU." Your parents also assume that you're extremelly bright (note my spelling of extremelly) and believe you're going to be applying for Durham, Warwick and St Andrews. In secret you google Oxford Brookes and Chichester.

You regret buying shorts and mini dresses in May because you're still wearing your fur coat and boots from last winter
As I said earlier, it's really cold. I'm currently wearing a wooly beret, tights, dress, dressing gown and thick socks. This isn't because I'm a weirdo (I am a weirdo, but this has nothing to do with what I'm wearing) it'sbecause it's really really cold.  My summers of waterfights, beer gardens and camping under the stars usually dissolve into "Cinema on Wednesday?" "yeah cool."

That picturesque idea your mum had of you all on holiday turned into a grey, overcast week of non-stop fear and making yourself unattractive in photos for the lols -

Sunday 22 August 2010

How to tell if someone is boring through facebook

I'm all for not judging people through facebook, I'm like totally against it. However, there are some people you met once, added you on facebook and post the most mind numbingly dull facebook updates about their boyfriend, their coursework or even their pet guinea pigs, BORRIN. Here is a list kindly compiled to help you sort the dull from the dumb and the normal to the lame, (I sound like Anne Robinson from the Weakest Link, cool).
Kitty and what subjects she takes at college
People are always boring when they mention their academic achievements on facebook. For example Kitty here, (Kitty was invented for this blog, she does not exist) achieved 8 grade Bs in her GCSEs and is now starting New College to do phycology (which is the study of algae, so I presume she means psychology) to hopefully achieve CCCC to go on to some really average university to do Events Management. Kitty you may have some crazy name but god you're dull.

 Jessica Bum and Mr Boring's fast but passionate relationship
Nothing is worse than when stupid people who cannot spell confess their love for eachother through facebook. It' gets quite exiting when their short, whirlwind romance ends abruptly and angry status updates like "fukkenn h8 men, all prikz, gna becum lesbo" emerge, causing your nosey side to giggle and squeal in delight.


The predictable statuses and the comments that follow

Another example :  Leela Shoefoot: Passed my driving test wooop wooo!!
                  Daniel Horsefetish says: WARNIN- RESIDENTS OF SWINDON GET OFF THE ROAD
                   Craig Kettlechips says: Woooo! Road trip! Come round myn latr? ;)

Monday 16 August 2010

Jess Hall

My good friend Jess is currently in the process of getting signed to some big record label. She's an amazing singer, like a properly amazingly talented singer - kind of like an angel, if angels had Swindon accents. 
I've known her since I was about 7 and we were amazingly close throughout secondary school  and seeing her get all sucessful and musical is going to be so bloody weird- up until year 10 I swear she didn't know how to put a pizza in the oven.
I had the thought earlier yesterday to interview her now and one year in the future to see how her outlooks on everything have changed, or even if they have.


Jessiwess. To star off with how, or what do you picture yourself doing in one years time?
Well, in a years time, I picture myself touring and recording with my band, Stef P Alex Stone and Andy Vincent, I want to be stood beside bands like Bon Iver, Iron & Wine and Damien Rice: all amazing musicians. I want to be on a stage, singing one of our songs, and then I want to stop singing, and have the crowd sing it back to me. Thousands of people I've never met singing a song I wrote when I was more then likely sat on my spinny chair having a cheeky spin. That would be INCREDIBLE.

I love watching it on TV when they do that, they always seem to focus on some idiot mouthing shapes because they don't know the words. Anyway, have you got any idea what is going to be happening yet? As in things like tour dates or when an album is materialising and stuff? More importantly though, are you going to be dying your hair blonde?
Haha! I hope to god my hair doesnt go blonde! I've got crazy dark eye brows so I'd look like a right weirdo. No, no dates are set yet, I know I have song writing sessions in London, photo shoots with the band, I havent got a set time period for the recording of my album, that'll start when they have my whole image sorted out. For now I think its all about gigging in London infront of the industry people, and creating a fan base, then the photos and videos start.

How much of your image are they wanting to change? Be completely honest, are you worried about going through the whole makeover thing, what if they make you look like a tit?!
I'm not worried about image really, ive gone over it with them and i sent them images that i want to sort of be perceived as, and they are keeping my country bumpkin'nessin me haha, the girl from the village no ones heard of kind of look. A a hair cut would be wonderful, havent had one of those in a good few months - starting to look quite like a bush, I wont lie.

Music critics can be really cruel middle aged men who enjoy putting all music down that isn't Madonna or Oasis, because you're neither and you're very young are you worried about recieving critisism?
I'm not worried about critism, if anything, I'm excited, because at the end of the day thats going to push me more - if it doesnt, then I'll know im not strong enough for the industry.

Is there in paticular one person, musically who stands out to you as your greatest influence? For instance was there any musician, song or album that  really pushed or inspired you to sing and write music?
I have a fair few to pick from, for so many different reasons. A song called Blowers Daughter by Damien Rice inspires me with the music side of song writing, because every instrument and every line and every riff is absoloutely stunning and so clever - so that sort of song inspires me with the music. Then theres artists like Bon Iver- Justin the singer is an actual lyrical genius. He writes songs with so much feeling, I take that sort of emotion and put it into my lyrics and performance but write my lyrics in a more relatable fashion unlike Justin who writes in a more metaphorical way.

If you had to collaborate with an artist for a song, who would you like it to be most?
Rolf Harris... jokes. Well, he is a mighty fine musician - i'll give him that haha! But someone with access to a huge orchestra and a massive sound... I'm not going to lie, collabering with Muse would be TOO MUCH FUN.
 
I love rolf harris, saw him at Glastonbury this year, probably one of the highlights of the weekend. He has his own rapper. Did you know that?
 WHUT! Why was I not aware of this!! I pray to god there is evidence on youtube.
What I'm trying to say Jess, is that it's hard to make it in the business without a rapper.
I'm gon' get me one of those

How famous do you think you will be in six months time?
 ahh I doubt I'll be famous in 6 months - it would be nice. I think getting anywhere big with my music will take me a good year or two, need to learn the business before I jump straight in and get bewildered by fame!

 I've ran out of ideas for things to ask you, so I'm going to wrap this up nicely with a little piece of advice and a sly request.  1. Never, no matter how much they pay you do an interview with Heat magazine. 2. Can I interview you again in a years time?
Yes you can interview me again!!! I'll stay clear from Heat magazine - I'm pretty sure I've only even seen one on the telly. Thank You for questioning me Holly Stewart!! Love you long time, pahah.

Lookalikes/dopplegangers/brothers from different mothers

King Theoden.


MIA and Konnie Huq

Moss and the bloke from Boney M

Big Baby/ Thom Yorke/ Paris Hilton

Monday 9 August 2010

How to write an amazing personal statement



If I'm totally honest, when I'm looking at Universities, I'm still not entirely sure whether it's the location of the course or the course itself that's making me want to go. Do I just want to move or do I want to study?!. I'm sure other people are thinking the same thing, but ideally I'd like to do ordinary work in a historical palace, museum or gallery or something, I doubt you even need a degree for that...

How to write an amazing personal statement

1) Include lots of pictures. Holiday pictures are ideal, these show off your body and how wealthy you are by the locations you've been to. Preferably make the photos not actually you, so if they'll think Katy Perry's lookalike is applying, they'll accept you.2) If you have a disability, make sure the people reading your personal statement know how awful it is, and how much of your life (say 70%) has been ruined because of it. This way, they'll feel bad if they reject you, so they HAVE to let you in.3) Include loads of anecdotes. For example "Ever since I was young I've been interested in History, I used to dig up the back garden to find historical "artefacts", which led to my parents getting very grumpy! However, when they finally agreed to let me take my finds to an archeologist they were thrilled, I had discovered REAL roman pottery"4) If you're from Swindon, say you live near Bath or Oxford.
5) Keep it long and waffely, they'll be impressed with your impeccable use of language.
6) Say you like classical music, or generally any old fart music. Like Barry Mannilow, Tom Jones maybe the Rolling Stones at a push.
7) Use words like "enigmatic", "hilarious", "vva va voom" to describe yourself
8) Say you either want to become the first british Prime Minister of France. This will trick them into thinking that you can speak fluent french.
9) Say that you love learning 5 times at LEAST
10) When you watch University Challenge, pretend that you get 100 points per game by yourself.
For example"Hello,
My name is Holly and from the ages three through to thirteen I suffered from a cripplingly bad skin condition. I became a recluse, hiding indoors scared, incase my peers were to see me in such a hideous condition. I relished the music of Barry Manilow and Bach with such vigour I can really say that they saved my soul, allowing me the confidence to get back into education (because I love learning) and become an enigmatic, hilarious character, with plenty of va va voom.

I love to travel and learn, I've attached a photo of me on holiday in the Carribbean earlier on this year.
As you can see I really look fabulous in pink. Anyway, ever since I was young I've been interested in History, I used to dig up the back garden to find historical "artefacts", which led to my parents getting very grumpy! However, when they finally agreed to let me take my finds to an archeologist they were thrilled, as I had discovered REAL roman pottery! Since then, I have sat in my bedroom daily, reading, devouring and literally eating history books. I really love to learn, and I think this is key when being alive and being human. I love learning so much that my stomach fills with vibrations at the mere thought of my brain being filled with knowledge. I love university challenge, and I frequently get higher than 100 points per game by myself. I love learning and I would love to learn more at your university for in the future I would like to go on to become the first British French President, living near Oxford.
Here are some photos of me, just chilling -

This was a sunny day!http://img.listal.com/image/536003/600full-katy-perry.jpgJust me having my morning stretch!
Font sizehttp://i.telegraph.co.uk/telegraph/multimedia/archive/01202/katy_perry460_1202364c.jpg On my way to 5 a day!"

Saturday 7 August 2010

if Harry Potter was real...

I know what you're thinking, "what? do you mean to say that Harry Potter doesn't exist?! So all my years of exitedly waiting for the new book, the joy, suprise and wait for the new trailer hasn't actually happened!? b-b-b-but the Chamber of Secrets is on my bookshelf, it does exist you bloody idiot" If you're actually thinking that, then calm-a-llama-ding-dong-down! I'm talking about if Harry Potter was a normal teenager, a regular insecure facebook stalker with realistic problems like "who is that guy that just poked Ginny? Does she still want me?" or "Goddd will Ron ever stop using my laptop for his peverted ways?"



Messy bedroom
In the real world, professor mcgonagall wouldn't have bought Harry his Nimbus 2000 for playing Quidditch, she'd have bought it for him so he could sweep his vile room. His room would be littered with mouldy tea cups and the house elves would hate him for it, sarcastically calling him "the boy who we wished didn't live."



Harry would be the butt of all jokes
Yeah, he may be the chosen one, but it doesn't mean he isn't stoopid. Look at those glasses for merlin's sake! If Harry were a teenager in this decade, he'd be the butt of all "should've gone to specsavers!" jokes, he'd also be called "Harry Pothead" for the rest of his days, even if he didn't indulge in such habits. "OI HARRY POTHEAD! WHAT YOU SEEKIN'? YOUR PARENTS? WHEEEEEYY"




No matter how attractive Hermione gets, she's still a know it all weirdo.
She'd also be bullied for her name. What type of a name is Hermione? I wouldn't even call my cat Hermione unless I really hated it




Ron Weasley would be called a ginger inbred
Purely because he has more than one brother and sister, and that they're all ginger. Also, this photo of him would spread rumours of his "bendy member". IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

DONE

Basically I've been blogging for ages on www.catsandknitting.posterous.com BUT the posterous platform is barely used and I'm getting fustrated with how often the servers are down, so basically I've spent my Saturday night copy-and pasting some old blogs I've written to put them on here.

Gok Wan and David Dickinson

Speaking of David Dickinson, actually went to see him perform (if you can call it that) at the oasis centre in swindon. He was actually the most rude man I've ever met. I really did learn where the dick part of his name comes from.

maybe I should do this one day...

I've been thinking of doing this for a while, like, posting a blog about ME and what I'm like, but then I thought "that's really boring" because I'm really boring SO here is a video of modest mouse, a band who are everything a band should be. If you're in a band and you don't sound like this then youre definately going wrong somewhere.

facebook stalking

I do it. Everyone does it. People who say "Oh no, me? I don't facebook stalk! I just check facebook for notifications and invites" are liars. Dirty dirty liars. Above is a screenshot of my facebook about 5 minutes ago, and I guarantee I have stalked all of the online people and had a good ole root through their profile pictures to see if they have any unwanted fat bulges to make myself feel better about my unwanted fat bulges. Either way, I'm a vile disgusting facebook stalker and I'M NOT ASHAMED TO SAY IT.

I think there are about three levels of facebook stalk. I'm a good, healthy two because I'm not so bad I reconise people in the street from stalking their pages, because that is just creepy.

LEVEL ONE

Level one facebook stalker is probably the least phycotic and in turn, probably the least common. Level one facebook stalking is like when you've had a bit of a tiff with your boyfriend, and you go on his facebook to see he's now friends with a girl called "Sally-Anne Hendrix" (or something) and you go on her page to confirm she has a bad music taste and a weird fringe and that she lives in Yorkshire, at which point you relax and look at your next door neighbour's holiday photos in Tenerife.

LEVEL TWO

Level two is when you get bored and you refresh your newsfeed. SUDDENLY some girl who you don't know has become a fan of some deep meaningful quotes from Anchorman. You click on her page to see who she is. ALL OF A SUDDEN you see that someone has written on her wall saying "HEY BABE, LOOKIN SEXY IN UR PIC" and your little ears prick up like that of a meetkat and suddenly you're interested, hounding in on her personal information like a shameless pervert, sucking up all the tiny details like a hoover on your dirty carpet. Well you know, I'm not that nosey,but I will click on this strange boy's page,stalk his photos, have a good lol and close the window. Repeat 5 or 6 times per day and you got yourself a level two stalker.

LEVEL THREE

Level three is when you see this message more than 8 times per facebook session, and when greeted with this message your pace quickens and you get fustrated and scared for a good 5 minutes. Level three people will often see people in the street and talk to them saying "Oh yeah, I know you through facebook. Youre a fan of " "Weak, limp, lifeless?" "No Cheryl, not when i can see you on the t.v," and 'Nessa, you look gorgeous' 'I know, I feels it."

What I have learnt about politics

Unless you have been living under a rock or you're just a plain idiot, you'll know that there has been weeks and weeks of campaigning and debates in Britain over the General Election, which took place on Thursday. There is now a hung parliament and David Cameron's smug little pork chop face is now all over the newspapers (even those FILTHY COMMON ONES WITH THE COMMON LABOUR RED TOPS, EURGHHHH) generally looking rubbish. I think I've learnt a lot about politics from this General Election and here are a roundup of the most useful -

The Daily Star doesn't have a CLUE.

On Thursday May 6th it was the general election. All the newspapers were covered in "VOTE CAMERON HE'S ENGLAND'S ONLY HOPE" or "VOTE LABOUR BECAUSE CAMERON IS A POSH TOFF AND SO IS NICK CLEGG" or or or "POSH TOFFS NO - LABOUR YES" and such like. Thing is though, it appears that the Daily Starr didn't understand the importance of this Election and instead adopted a front cover story about WAGs bitch fighting. I'm not even joking, it wasn't even an important (lolz) WAG getting into a bitch fight that would change the world cup for England or something, I'm pretty sure it was that they both bought the same dress and were annoyed at each other for it. LAME.

Those "Yesterday, I met a man who..." stories DO NOT work

I'm sure I'm not the only one who got annoyed when David Cameron and Nick Clegg kept name dropping their "common chums" in the debate. "yesterday I met a man who had no arms or legs because of the war, this is not right, under a Conservative Government we will aim to provide free replacement arms or legs for people in the war.." The story would have worked without the "I met a man who..." bit, it was just totally irrelevant. Although,the other day I DID meet a man had brown shoes on, which is relevant.

David Dimbleby is a MACHINE

If you noticed, he was up for about 24 hours giving constant, live coverage. Incredible.

A well Hung parliament isn't neccessarily a good thing

lawlz

Guilty pleaures

I have so many guilty pleasures it isn't even real, it's almost like my whole moody, well-clothed persona is just a complete sham and that I'm actually a giggling wreck of mascara and McDonalds vouchers (I actually have a section in my bus pass wallet dedicated to them). For example, I don't like Coldplay, but I really don't see why theyre meant to be so awful PLUS I've never actually given U2 a proper listen, so I have no idea if they're actually brilliant or bloody awful, but Bono is deffo an arse.

Lord of the Rings

I used to love these films beyond belief when I was in year six. Everyday I prayed and prayed that my school would host a 'dress up as your favourite book character' so I'd be able to dress up as Lady Eowyn (Arwen pissed me off) and someone else in my year would dress up as Faramir and we'd fall in love. It never ever happened. From year seven to last week I completely grew out of this phase of my life, to have it rekindled VERY SUDDENLY and it feels so good to be able to call people “Craig, Son of John” or call bus drivers “m’lord” or children “young hobbit” again. The only flaw I need to point out is that DOESN’T ARAGORN LOOK LIKE MONICA FROM FRIENDS?????????////!!!!!!!!!!1111oneone

Advertising

It works so so so well on me it’s completely ridiculous. I hysterically laugh every time I see the Go Compare man’s chubby little face light up my television screen and I cannot wait to buy a car so I can use it to find the cheapest deals on car insurance. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to see what direct line can offer me because they cut out the middle man and don’t use price comparison sites. Ps. I once bought some diet coke because it had a £5 off ASOS voucher; I don’t even like asos or diet coke. I hate confused.com.

Katy Perry

Her and Russell Brand getting married made me really happy and I have no idea why. It isn’t her music, I just like HER, not in a lesbian way, but in a "oh Katy, if you knew me we'd definately be best friends" sort of way. I know we'd go shopping together but not in a faggy Sex in The Cities way, because when we'd stop for lunch we would devour a big meaty burger and a beer instead of rice crackers and air. We'd discuss our crazy adventures we'd like to have together (not in a lesbian way) but more like how we'd stop pirates and escape from prison together. I'm not lesbian for Katy Perry to make things clear, I just WANT TO BE HER FRIEND.

Come Dine With Me

This program is the best program EVER. Whoever came up with the idea and original format for Come Dine With Me is a complete genius. For example, I once saw one where Jimmy Osmond hired a midget dressed up as Elvis and one where Nancy Sinatra (it wasn't Sinatra, it was the one married to Vic Reeves, oh wait..) Nancy Reeves made sausage and mash that looked like a willy and FLOPPED, what more could you possibly want from a telly show? Oh, just noticed that the picture I got to accompany this definition of why it's so good is actually of the episode I'm taking about. Anyway, come dine with me is great.

Trip to the depths of Germany


The other day or so I went to Germany to see some family, i went to the zoo, saw an elephant have a wee, went to a circus where a woman flew around the room on an emormous hankerchief (that was so rad) and i had some sausages, cool. Above is my aunt mair on the laptop doing german things.

we had an easer egg hunt and we found all that ^. i had eaten almost all of it by the next day, because im a girl and i love chcolate and cake and pudding. (that isnt sarcastic i actually am a girl who likes dessert)

here is an elephant taking a wee, highlight of my trip.

below is this new weird creature from germany called an effarig which are just like giraffes but they have two heads.*

*hey, just noticed that you can actually see the seperate bodies of the effarig which completely ruins the joke.

I hate birthdays and you should too

Oh hurrah! Birthdays! A day where everyone you know but don't really like shouts HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you from the other sides of the coridoors and you get a facebook update every 10 seconds from someone else you know but don't really like wishing you a happy birthday, it's quite nice though really. It makes me like those people a whole lot more than I did previously, but that really isn't the point. i hate birthdays. i always imagine something amazing to happen like my hair will go blonde and my legs will grow longer and maybe that my skin won't be the colour of E.T anymore. but in reality, i'm now just a year closer to dying, rad.

I got woken up in the morning by my mother lunging some presents wrapped in pink wrapping paper at my sleeping self. I kindly recieved a skirt and a chocolate rabbit, which was a goddamn shame because I feel guilty when I eat things with faces or personalities. That was from my cat though, so I guess she gets away with it because she's a cat and only knows how to eat cat food and sleep. The skirt was nice though, thanks Brother Calum.

I then went to college and had English and then an hour break. For some reason college had this "Diversity" week going on, which I got really exited about because I thought that the dance troupe from X-Factor fame were going to be coming to give us a dance about the dangers of smoking but no. All it really meant was that the canteen did some undercooked rice and some badly spiced curry to make our college more diverse, which is a nice idea really, but a little shitty. My boyfriend (who is called Olly, which is just like my name without the H, funny eh?) and I sat down and ate some of the said undercooked rice and it tasted like crap. There was some music on too in the canteen, but LIVE. There was a woman in a wheelchair and I said "Woah man, it's just like glee!"

Then media then history which was average and alright.

I'm seventeen now by the way, which means I'm really old and mature and ready to do adult things like apply for university and drive. I don't want to do either if I'm honest, I'd rather play scrabble or something.

I have the personality of a gay boy.

Things I like but I really shouldn't like -

that's it.