I really really

dn't want it to snow today. Call me a killjoy or whatever but I just don't see the excitement in playing in dusty frozen water. Don't get me wrong, I used to love snow but now for some mental reason it's started snowing EVERY YEAR in England. Snow is fine every 4 years but any more than that I want to shoot it in it's stupid white chalky face.
REVIEW OF THE DECADE:
Everyone is doing this right now. I think it's a really unique thing to write about. This blog entry will be a review of the noughties from my perspective.
I can't really remember much of the decade at all if I'm completely honest. As far as I am concerned, life only begins at 12, which is the age I was in 2005. Yeah. In 2005 I had a centre parting and looked like Neil from the Young Ones. It was a good look. I used to wear flares, converse and "funny" hoodies (remember Paul Frank esque ones with Unicorns and that on?). I was essentially a walking dreamboat. Every man's dream.
In 2006 though, I got REALLY cool. I kissed the centre parting bye-bye and replaced it with a side parting with a big fringe covering most of my face, with cute little hairclips and heaps of eyeliner. I looked like a rocknroll chick for most of this year and I just loved Panic! At The Disco and hanging outside of Subway being "hilarious" and annoying other people (on purpose I hasten to add). The sad thing is 2006 is actually one of my favourite years I've ever had, I spent the summer in Queens Park and it was actually magical. Sorry
2007 was complete and utter cow-poo. The only thing I remember from this year is going to T4 on the Beach (which if you've ever been to, you'll know why this sticks out in my memory) and it was terrible. It was a year of Kate Nash and everyone wanting to be Kate Nash for some bizarre reason still not quite fully understood by mankind. It was the year of the floods too and loads of other really crap things that happened. Nothing bad happened in particular but it was all very boring.
2008 was essentially the same as 2007. Everyone still wanted to be Kate Nash and most people I know changed their accents from typical Swindon to Essex for some reason. I can't really remember much from this year at all.
2009 was good. I learnded to read, write and spell. Passed my exams and wore a dress to a party where people scowled at me, rad.
THINGS I'D LIKE TO HAPPEN IN THE NEXT DECADE
McDonalds becomes the diet of the nation and Donny Tourette will save us all
Studies will prove that carrots give you cancer and potatoes give you rickets and it turns out the healthiest food you can eat is McDonalds because it's all so chemical that none of it gets absorbed by your body, it just turns into fat which keeps you warm and because you can't eat anything apart from McDonalds, so all your body does is burn the fat that the McDonalds gives you and it's a never ending cycle. This will be disproved in May 2019 though by twat-turned-doctor Donny Tourette from Towers of London who will say that carrots only give you cancer if you've already got cancer and only the potatoes containing the virus of rickets give you rickets. Simon Amstell will take back the mean jokes he made about Donny and Donny will realise he's been in love with Simon all along and that he only got a PHD to prove to him that he could change and be a better person for him. They'll get married in Rome, with the Pope as his witness. (Pope Benedict the thousandth or whatever will also die in 2014 and be replaced by Gok Wan, who will change the Catholic church 4eva).
Everyone will turn ginger for a day
On the 27th April, 2015 the world will go ginger. Every single living person will go ginger for a day, causing mass suicide across the world. The world's leading Scientists will say it's because of a very rare solar flare which caused colours to appear different for 24 hours. Pope Gok Wan I will say "It's my man God's way of reminding you all how lucky you all actually are, girlfriend".

That's all I'd like to happen anyway, I'd like biscuits to become free and kittens to fall from the sky but that's just so not going to happen.


originally posted 6th January, 2010