nights out on a budget

MY HOT HOT HOT TIPS

I'm a poor person. Look at me, with my bitten nails, unbrushed hair and wild eyes. I'm p-o-o-r. Most of my friends aren't, so basically I've had to pretend I have more than 50p to my name to avoid being inside forever (like what I'm doing this weekend, I'M SO BORED SOMEONE LOVE ME FFS), and ANYWAY I think I've done quite well at it (the pretending to be classy thing)

• Drink your drink really quickly because it'll make you feel drunk even though you're not (too poor to buy a drink? read on)
• Pretend to everyone that you have this really awesome magic trick that you can do but need two pints do to it. The magic trick is drinking them both really quickly and running away.
• If you have under 18 friends, offer to go buy their cigarettes and alcohol, but sneakily pretend that it altogether costed £14 when it cost £12. Don't tell your victim. (thanks for this one, craig ; ) )
• Wearing the same thing night after night? just put on a new exciting pin badge to spruce it up, like one with your favourite monarch on or member of Girls Aloud. 
• Pretend youre famous. Like if you look vaguely like the bloke who plays Sophie Webster in coronation street, pretend you're her (nothern accent is needed) and people will be like "OH GOD YOURE MY IDOL PLEASE LET ME GET YOU DRUNK". 
• Does it cost to go into this particular place?. Hang around outside looking sad, but sexy - so someone will pay for you to go in. 
• Too ugly to play the "I'm sexy, buy me a drink?" card? Wear a mask.
• Can't find a suitable mask to fit your hideously deformed disgusting face? HIDE IN A HOLE FOREVER WHY ARE YOU EVEN ALIVE.

my guide to tricking people into thinking you're clever (and why alcohol is your friend).

~ I'm not gonna say I'm good at tricking people into thinking that I'm clever - one of my greatest acheievements being scraping a C at GCSE maths, but whatever. ~

Sometimes people can be really good at pretending that they're clever, when in actual fact theyre a bit dumb, and genuinely think that East Anglia is in Asia (I did when I was younger, but thats fine). But pretending you have brains is actually quite easy. Pronounce your Ts, wear glasses and instead of laughing, chortle. Good. You're already almost there..

Wear a motarboard when out shopping in tesco

This will enable people to know that you already have a degree, despite the fact you haven't talked to them. Even if you don't have a degree, wear one anyway. If one of your friends sees you in the Yogurt aisle pretend you're drunk and can't remember why you're wearing it.

Get Oscar Wilde quotes all over your facebook

It doesn't have to be Oscar Wilde though, it can be anyone dead. Dead people are fucking awesome. Everyone loves a dead person. Ian Curtis, Kurt Cobain, Marilyn Monroe, Ghandi, Warhol, Jim Morrison, Sylvia Plath, Ant & Dec. Basically, any intellectual who is now dead will do. Ideally someone who most people don't really know much about, other than who they are. Google them, bit of research and thats all you need. Add a couple of these into your "who inspires you" on facebook and never get questioned, and if you do, yet again pretend that you're drunk to avoid confrontation.

Pretend that you're well rounded

Not well rounded in a Javva the hut sort of way, you silly goose! I mean well rounded in for instance, sciences and languages. BUT you don't have to be, just know what EMc2 means and how to say hello in Japanese. A lot of people are too stupid to question what youre saying, and even if they do, AGAIN pretend you've drunk shit loads of Chardonnay or Port and that youre too drunk to explain. Alcohol is your friend.

Know some facts

here are some of my favourites 

• You know those pony statues you get, where there is some bloke with a mustache riding on it in bronze? Well if both the front feet of the horse is up, it means the bloke died in battle directly, if one of the front hoofs are raised, then the man died of battle-related injuries. If both are down, you can assume that the man died of something boring, like choking on a peanut or getting mowed down by a tractor.
• In the First English Civil War, Charles I's nephew, Prince Rupert of the Rhine had a pet poodle called Boye. This dog was tied up whilst Rupert was waving his sword around (not like THAT you dirty bastard) but escaped to help his tiny master. The parliamentary side captured the dog, believing it to have magical powers and being able to spy on parliament and woof back to royalist forces what their plans were. They killed the dog. 
• In major cities, the reason the wealthy side is on the West and the poorer side is on the East is generally because wind goes from West to East, and so the smell of the poor slums won't get blown towards the rich people. 
• When the world eventually gets completely nuked, the only thing surviving will be cockroaches, nappies and Nicki Minaj's butt. (silicon).
• if they ask you for more interesting facts, say that you're too drunk to remember anymore.

- if you're reading this, I'm not drunk.

hot tips for avoiding mental breakdown☨

Sometimes I rock back and forth in my chair* thinking about things that I shouldn't be think about like ponies and how many grapes I could eat in a minute (my estimate is not many because i'd give up because theyre not unhealthy for me). But more often than that I feel on the verge of a cliff due to my mum's screeching about my sniffing (not drugs kids, i mean snotty nose sniffing) and my brother crying because world of war hammer isn't loading. but I'm not a mental breakdown yet and thats because I'm a strong willed and independent woman**, like beyonce or something.


Think about or google fluffy animals

It's physically addictive, I read somewhere in the Observer that watching videos of cute animals laughing or being tickled or falling asleep quickly or getting cuddled by it's mum or eating milk and getting it on their little tiny nose gives you a chemical release which is addictive. It's DEFINITELY not just me that wants to put their tiny animal hands on your cheeks and nuzzle their belly as proven here, and also by the millions of views "penguin getting tickled" or whatever has on youtube. Try it. 


Buy a pair of ear plugs

the style above are particularly good because when you have had them in your ear for a while they'll go all waxy and ear flavoured and you can trick an enemy into thinking that they're rhubarb and custards and they'll eat them and DIE. but thats not all they're good for, last week at Glastonbury I put these in for pendulin before Beyonce so I didn't have to listen to their crappy drum and bass for emos music. It worked, I didn't hear any of it and my sanity remained intact and the greatest of all sanities. Basically, put these in everytime your Mum is hyperventilating over the fact you left some socks on the stairs. Ignorance is bliss


Keep your spell check on English (US) so you can feel smarter than a machine

My example is German, but whatever. I remember typing up notes all that time ago when I was still in free education (a whole three weeks ago!) and I wrote UK down and that little paperclip PRICK said "don't you mean US?" and it made me feel like I was better than a multi-billion pound company because at least I know that the UK and the US are different things. Since then though however, I've kept my spell check on US because if I write "flavour" it says "don't you mean, flavor?" and thats enough to give me a tiny ego boost.


Get some loser friends 

This is kind of a loose term. You just have to know you're better than them. Their weakness can be anything, pick from

• A habit of chanting "lets get fookin' mental" everytime theyre out past 11pm
• A friend with a fear of carpets
• Being unable to tell the time 
• Having their girlfriend's face printed onto a duvet
• Someone who doesn't like The Beatles

you get the jist. Hang around with them and talk about their insecurities, it'll be like opening a gaping window into their soul. they'll be vulnerable, crying about how they felt when they found out David Tennant was leaving Doctor Who and you can SWOOP in, stop them from crying and be a brilliant person and it'll feel your tiny belly with a soft "i'm so brilliant" buzz.

☨ this is absolutely not guaranteed to avoid you having a mental breakdown
* i don't even have a chair : (
** type thing.