How to write an amazing personal statement

If I'm totally honest, when I'm looking at Universities, I'm still not entirely sure whether it's the location of the course or the course itself that's making me want to go. Do I just want to move or do I want to study?!. I'm sure other people are thinking the same thing, but ideally I'd like to do ordinary work in a historical palace, museum or gallery or something, I doubt you even need a degree for that...

How to write an amazing personal statement

1) Include lots of pictures. Holiday pictures are ideal, these show off your body and how wealthy you are by the locations you've been to. Preferably make the photos not actually you, so if they'll think Katy Perry's lookalike is applying, they'll accept you.2) If you have a disability, make sure the people reading your personal statement know how awful it is, and how much of your life (say 70%) has been ruined because of it. This way, they'll feel bad if they reject you, so they HAVE to let you in.3) Include loads of anecdotes. For example "Ever since I was young I've been interested in History, I used to dig up the back garden to find historical "artefacts", which led to my parents getting very grumpy! However, when they finally agreed to let me take my finds to an archeologist they were thrilled, I had discovered REAL roman pottery"4) If you're from Swindon, say you live near Bath or Oxford.
5) Keep it long and waffely, they'll be impressed with your impeccable use of language.
6) Say you like classical music, or generally any old fart music. Like Barry Mannilow, Tom Jones maybe the Rolling Stones at a push.
7) Use words like "enigmatic", "hilarious", "vva va voom" to describe yourself
8) Say you either want to become the first british Prime Minister of France. This will trick them into thinking that you can speak fluent french.
9) Say that you love learning 5 times at LEAST
10) When you watch University Challenge, pretend that you get 100 points per game by yourself.
For example"Hello,
My name is Holly and from the ages three through to thirteen I suffered from a cripplingly bad skin condition. I became a recluse, hiding indoors scared, incase my peers were to see me in such a hideous condition. I relished the music of Barry Manilow and Bach with such vigour I can really say that they saved my soul, allowing me the confidence to get back into education (because I love learning) and become an enigmatic, hilarious character, with plenty of va va voom.
I love to travel and learn, I've attached a photo of me on holiday in the Carribbean earlier on this year.
As you can see I really look fabulous in pink. Anyway, ever since I was young I've been interested in History, I used to dig up the back garden to find historical "artefacts", which led to my parents getting very grumpy! However, when they finally agreed to let me take my finds to an archeologist they were thrilled, as I had discovered REAL roman pottery! Since then, I have sat in my bedroom daily, reading, devouring and literally eating history books. I really love to learn, and I think this is key when being alive and being human. I love learning so much that my stomach fills with vibrations at the mere thought of my brain being filled with knowledge. I love university challenge, and I frequently get higher than 100 points per game by myself. I love learning and I would love to learn more at your university for in the future I would like to go on to become the first British French President, living near Oxford.
Here are some photos of me, just chilling -
This was a sunny day!Just me having my morning stretch!
On my way to 5 a day!"