the perils of public transport

Originally written for - Oh Yeah Me Too - http://ohyeahmetoo.net/archives/1792


Living in Highworth, I’m a 30 minute bus ride from civilisation.
I mean, Highworth is reasonably civilised if you like kebabs and alcohol and a nice, faux- community atmosphere, which I don’t personally. This is why I spend so much of my time on public transport. I worked out last night that I get 25 buses per week, which is dangerous – there are so many dangers that people just don’t realise.
For example, those moments of “Oh, the only seat left is next to the man with a skin disease who is miming along to Lady Gaga. What harm can sitting next to him do?” and “Oh God, i dropped my pen and now it’s rolling all around the floor of the bus. do people know that it was my pen? Do i pick it up? Oh God, oh God”.
So yeah. this blog will hopefully try help you when you get into these transport disasters since I’m a well seasoned bus-hag.


Getting on the bus with your mum and her shouting at teenagers who are swearing

I know the accompanying picture is my mum starting a fight with a young boy in the street, but that’s only because the interiors of buses are suprisingly difficult to draw. Basically, if you’ve ever been on the number 7 bus from Swindon to Highworth, you’ll be well aware of that crazy Scottish lady who sometimes shouts at other passengers for listening to music, swearing, or in a worst case scenario, listening to sweary music..
You’ll ask yourself Who is this strange scottish lady shouting at me? and why does she have so many tentacles? (or something) but honestly, just ignore it. Swear louder and then give her a nose bleed.
WRAPPED UP: Just don’t swear on public transport because it’s just annoying and especially bad when tiny children start repeating it. I mean, it’s hilarious but WRONG.



Over-hearing juicy gossip about strangers

Once, I overheard this -

Man: Serious, I love you and everythink but seriously you’re such a f**king sket, i’ve told you before about my brother and i’ll tell everyone i know if you do it again, watch your f**kin back
Lady: babe i love you too and am sorry but i ent a sket, he tried it on with me and i was pissed and you hadnt talked to me in like a week or summin
Man: mate that is no f*ken excuse shut the f**k up you slag
All the while I had become so overcome with the scandal of the situation I giggled into a clammy mess of “oh my, I hope they don’t sense I’m giggling out of nerves!!! Sometimes, it’s someone you know and that’s especially good, because then their problems become so much more real since you had them on Bebo in year eight.
Stupid people talking

I once overheard a boy talking to his friend how much he was enjoying the Shakespeare play Great Expectations in English, and I was so overcome with rage my vision went blurry for a good twenty seconds.
When you find yourself in situations like this, where people are babbling rubbish that you know to be ridiculous and you want to throttle their tender little throats and then mutilate them violently and hang them upside down so all their blood drains out and makes a little stream and then maybe make some paper boats and make them go sailing in the blood or something, but it’s best that you don’t as you don’t want to go to prison.
When someone you know from school is on the bus but you don’t talk to them anymore. Sit with them or not sit with them?

Forget divorce, getting sacked or finding out your own child isn’t actually your own child, this is probably the worst challenge you’ll face in your adult life. It’s a test of friendship, good-nature and patience. Sure, this person might have breath like garlicky bums, but do you really want their little toe and garlic mouth to be sad? No, of course you don’t. My advice is to sit behind or in front of them, talk to them for as long as you can until it runs dry, then turn around and put on Rufus Wainwright at volume 29 for the remainder of the journey. SHCORE.

Basically just learn to drive.