Your guide to being a pirate

As the film The Aristo-pirates once did sing, Everybody Wants to be a Pirate. I know I do anyway, and as far as I can tell this cat does too. In reality it's a very common aspiration. All you'd ever have to do is fight other pirates for money and maybe drink some beer and job perks include a free talking pirate and some feathered hats. Here is a guide if you, like me, want to be a pirate.


Looks -
Youre not going to be a real pirate unless you've got gangrene skin covered with pocmarks and seaweed like hair. Pirates need to be dressed well too, so you can make your pretty floral dresses walk the plank, bitches. You're going to need to start wearing stripes. Now, I  know what you're thinking, "but Holly, stripes make you look wider, why can I not wear black from head to toe?!" and that is because you're in training to be a pirate, not a goddamn dementor. Here is a photo of me before and after my transformation into pirate -

 

As you can see, I stopped loving cats and started loving murder instead. I also adopted a weird posture (from diggin for booty) and grew eyebrows. All these things are important.

 

Language
I know it's a cliche, but pirates don't go around plundering and talking to their pet parrots in a typical Northern accent about Bruno Mars or Natasha Kaplinski

 

SO, what you really need to do is make yourself think that you're in the 18th century, with a bristol accent. So like this -

 

Here are some other examples of things to say -

Excuse me, do you have the time? - 'ark 'a 'ee fine sir, but what is it that your olde sundial be readin?

Hi, sorry, but do you know which bus goes to Highworth? - greetins, i be sorry for ye interupshaan, alas which ye olde wagon travels to highwyrde?

etc

Also, if you want a pirate boyfriend or a pirate girlfriend you need some chat up lines. Here are some of the best, from here

• Avast, me proud beauty! Wanna know why my Roger is so Jolly?
• Wanna shiver me timbers?
• They don’t call me Long John because my head is so big.
• That’s the finest pirate booty I’ve ever laid eyes on.

 Home

Whilst going out rival pirate gangs and rendevousing with sea prostitutes is a lot of fun, but eventually you're going to have to come home to check your facebook and get some vitamin C down your neck, so why not decorate your home so it matches your galleon? Attach oars to your sofa and spray everything down with salt, maybe hire a couple of actors to pretend to be pirate wenches, If youre not into big renovation work, pin some seaweed up for some fancy feng shui to impress your friends and your pirate girlfriend's parents.

A serious fact - Pirates/sailors used to wear a gold ring in their ear because thats how much it used to cost to get buried in a foreign country, apparently.