how to survive winter.

Unless youre currently living under a rock (or in Swindon, for that matter) you'll know that the United Kingdom is currently shivering under a couple-of-foot-thick blanket of frozen, dusty water. I'm currently skating around on the pavements like the scene in Bambi where he learns to walk, except not half as cute or deer-like and my skin is dry like some sort of rancid flaky pastry. I'm generally disgusting. but that isn't the point. What is the point? I don't know, something about winter I guess...

Actually wear clothes


















I refuse to give my sympathy to any girl/boy wearing canvas shoes, jeans, a tshirt and a hooded sweat complaining of the cold. You're not getting any from me you stupid git. No arctic adventurer has ever gone to the arctic wearing leggings and a thin new look mac, SO WHY WOULD YOU? My advice is to get yourself some thermals and maybe some sort of thick puffy coat with a fleece lining. You're going to look like a an old hag but goddamn, you're going to be warm. Ear muffs are good too, but if your ears stick out slightly then don't, theyre not worth the pain. (You know when dogs get caught in a gust of wind and their little ears fold backwards? I'm permanently like that now).

Have a mince pie for breakfast. 

Now it's winter you're going to find yourself desperate for an extra 4 minutes in bed, so youre going to be cutting down on all the things you would usually do that takes 10 mintes. The time you have to eat breakfast for example, has now slumped to a tincy wincy minute, and there is nothing better to take the edge of a walk to the bus stop than a hot mince pie. Put it in the microwave for 15 seconds and gobble like a greedy child. Feel warm and feel slightly drunk due to your mince pie being laced with cognac. You should be warm now.

Coat your skin in goosefat for moisturising and insulation purposes


As I've already mentioned, my skin is dry like chalk and my face is so cold most of the time it could be mistaken for an unattractive ice sculpture. I was walking though town earlier with my boyfriend when we began talking about goose fat. Not entirely sure why or how this topic came about, but it did. I started to think that coating yourself in goose fat would keep you pretty warm as swimmers do that when they swim in the sea and stuff, also it is pretty greasy so it wouldn't make your skin dry. I'd try it on a day where I knew I wasn't going to see anyone I knew...

Write a blog about how sick of the winter you are and how you'd literally do anything to be back in the summer where glastonbury was so hot you thought you were going to pass out.

DONE.