How to live FOREVER

I watch films sometimes (really!?!) and sometimes in these films there are evil people (well, they're supposed to be evil, in reality they're just really fucking cool) who want to live forever. For example, Voldemort, Sauron, the Gallagher brothers, Nicholas Flamel, Jesus. The list goes on. and on. and on. and on a bit longer.
From watching these films or hearing about these people who won't ever. fucking. die. I now have a PRETTY good understanding on how to live forever. I won't EVER die, and neither will you if you follow all of this information which I'm about to tell you.

Eat a doctor, have loads of children and use their organs

Next time you go to the Doctor, go prepared. Take with you a load of poison darts and a scalpel. Dart the doctor until he or she passes out. Next, scalpel out their brain and eat it. Now you have all the knowledge of a doctor. Honestly, it works. It's science. 

Now you have to persuade another person of the opposite sex to do the same. Next, breed. Eight or so children should suffice.

NOW, if one of your organs fails, cut the healthy, working organ out of your son or daughter and get your mating partner to operate on you to put it in. Repeat until you're Frankenstien and you're still alive in 2010030 years. Thank catsandknitting, win an Oscar, go to tesco and buy some milk. You genius.

Cut out your soul and put it in a tree to create a SPIRIT TREE 

If you're not very good with blood, and eating a Doctor's brain doesn't really appeal to you, then you could always try creating a SPIRIT TREE. All you have to do to create a spirit tree is put your soul into a tree. Which is easy (just sneeze on a tree without covering your nose and don't say 'bless you'). Maybe you'll fall in love with another spirit tree and have tiny tree babies. This is a good plan, providing angry people who love concrete don't try to chop you down. but it's okay, this is why we have greenpeace.

Drink orange juice

This slightly creepy looking child has got it right. Drinking orange juice means you will never die. Ever. It is true. It's full of vitamin C (?) and it tastes good and it's the same god damn colour as the sun. The sun gives us life - and by drinking orange juice you're drinking the sun and in turn drinking the ELIXIR OF LIFE. 

how to suppress boredom and COME ALIVE !

Someone told me once that the English language is one of very few that has a word meaning bored'. That means that everyone in English speaking countries are spoilt, lazy and generally just a bit dickish.
I am currently situated in Kent, which is in England. The language I am currently typing in is (hopefully) English. This means that I am spoilt, lazy and a bit dickish. or something. This intro really isn't going very well is it? No.


Write a life plan

This is my life plan, from when I was bored a minute ago (ie. right now)
I want to graduate, but refuse to wear one of the stupid hats. Then I'll cry a bit and then I'll get a job. Then I'll cry a bit more. Then I'll get a wife. Then I'll father 8 children from 9 different sexual partners. I'll go on Jeremy Kyle. Then I'll cry on Jeremy Kyle. Then I'll die on my sofa in my sleep.
There, 30 seconds of boredom annihilated. 


Make some eggs

I don't mean chicken eggs, or duck or dinosaur or David Cameron eggs - I mean try making your OWN egg. Like, try laying one. When I was younger, I used to say "he made an egg" instead of saying "he let some wind go" - I don't mean that either. I really want you to get some cardboard, glue some shell or shiny plastic to it and create a tiny egg. Maybe make friends with it, call it Mandy, take it on holiday, do whatever you want, it's your egg.

Tidy up! 

ha ha, not really.

Research some chat-up lines 

So that next time you see or talk to someone you think is quite nice you don't insult them, give them a fake name, tell them that their hair looks stupid, call them a wanker or ask them what type of tail they'd grow if they could. (all being true) and also so that you have someone to harass via text.

. Here are some good chat up lines that I made up myself -  

• Hello, I drink Jack n Coke. 
• Do you use window washer to clean your underwear? "why" Because I can smell vinegar.
• Hey baby, is your name Fred Flintstone? "No, why?" Because you're fat and you look stupid.
• How do you like your eggs? Do you want to meet my egg? She's called Mandy.
• Hey baby, did you hurt yourself when you fell from heaven? because you look kinda mutilated.
• Do you want to see some photos of my cat?
• Do you believe in love at first sight? No me neither, it's corny and stupid and I hate everyone.
• You've been running through my mind all day. Your arse wobbles when you run, go on a diet.
• Was your dad a terrorist? "no" because you're the bomb. also you look kinda evil and mentally unstable.

WRITE A REALLY SHITE BLOG

How not to do a Freshers week.

To be really honest, I didn't even do it that badly. I was genuinely expecting myself to have a mental breakdown by the Wednesday and to subsequently be in a mental hospital by the Thursday, neither of which, thankfully, took place. I'm currently still alive (I think, unless this is a cruel joke. I'm totally googling 'how to know you're not dead' and this is what I got, so yeah I'm alive). ANYWAY this is a lovely fine guide on how NOT to do your freshers week, based on my own, personal failings.


Get a haircut BEFORE you arrive, not the week after

Follow the big fat smiley man's example and get your haircut. I made the mistake of not getting my haircut for 16 months prior to moving to Uni, and I genuinely think that a lot of people on my course are intimidated by the pile of red frizz and split ends currently perched on my head. I have this idea that when I get my hair sheared on Friday (I hope they have a chainsaw) that suddenly everyone will smile when I walk into the room and everyone will start calling me "Angel" or "Lady" and blokes will start putting their jackets down when I walk so my feet can always be padded and warm. I do, obviously know that this won't happen and that people will carry on tutting and rolling their eyes when I stumble in 5 minutes late with panda eyes and a tongue the colour, taste and texture of a bourbon biscuit. BUT OH WELL HERE IS HOPING.

When doing those "make friend! lots of friend!" exercises try not to have a minor panic attack

 

I know they're a lovely idea, but there is so much more fun to be had in getting to know your fellow course-buds at 2am, drunk off of 50p tequila in a local shitey nightclub. Especially when, if you're me, you get incredibly nervous when put on the spot and will run around screaming for a couple of minutes when asked about your music taste. I think I frightened some people that day, not just these new strangers, I frightened myself. How did my brain let me do that? I don't understand. I won't understand. Just thinking of how and why I did that is making my life ache. 

Don't get a reputation for being 'the drunk one'

No matter how many times I tell myself "Hey,Holly, only stick with half a pint tonight, you'll regret it when you wake up and your friends are saying to you 'OH JEE YOU SAID/DID SOME CRAZY RUBBISH LAST NIGHT'"  but then before you know it I've had a whole pint of beer and I'm lying on a wall singing along to The Smiths with some people I've just met, with tears running down my face and my phone in my hand and oh wait, I'm texting people I fancy saying "OH MY GOD I FANCY YOU HAHHAAHHA". I know people say that this is what Freshers week is about, but it really isn't about getting yourself a reputation. Don't!!!!!!! (Unless they're lightweights too then it's okay). I really hope my mum isn't reading this. (Hey Bev)

Don't spend your student loan on shoes

Actually no, DO spend your student loan on shoes. Shoes last longer than food and they're prettier. Buy books too. Lots o' books. (Don't buy food though. That shite is unnecessary).

Applying for 'Take Me Out'

TAKE ME OUT GIRLS APPLICATION FORM 2011
FULL NAME: (as on passport)
Holly Stewart
FIRST NAME THAT YOU PREFER TO BE CALLED:	AGE:
Holly	18
HOME ADDRESS:
WINDRUSH, HIGHWORTH, SWINDON
YOUR CONTACT NUMBERS:
OFFICE: HOME: MOBILE
YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS:
mynameiscal@gmail.com
CITY OR TOWN ORIGINALLY FROM:
SWINDON
ARE YOU:   SINGLE / MARRIED / SEPARATED / DIVORCED
Single
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN MARRIED OR ENGAGED?  IF YES – HOW MANY TIMES?
Nope never
CURRENT OCCUPATION:
Student
PREVIOUS JOBS:
Emptying bins
WHO DO YOU LIVE WITH?
Mum, Dad, Brother and the cat.
HOW TALL ARE YOU? (in Feet and Inches)
5ft and a bit
ARE THERE ANY DATES BETWEEN NOW AND NOVEMBER 2011 THAT YOU WOULD NOT BE AVAILABLE FOR AUDITIONS OR RECORDINGS?
Nah
DO YOU HAVE ANY MEDICAL CONDITIONS OR DISABILITIES WHICH WE SHOULD BE AWARE OF AND/OR ANY SPECIAL REQUIREMENTS -  IF YOU ARE REQUIRED TO ATTEND AN AUDITION?
WE ARE HOPING TO HOLD AUDITIONS IN (OR NEAR) SOME OF THE FOLLOWING CITIES: ♥  MANCHESTER  ♥  LIVERPOOL ♥ BIRMINGHAM  ♥  NOTTINGHAM  ♥  CARDIFF  ♥  BRISTOL  ♥ ♥ LONDON  ♥ EXETER  ♥  BELFAST  ♥  LEEDS  ♥   NEWCASTLE  ♥  GLASGOW ♥ EDINBURGH ♥ IF  OFFERED  AN AUDITION – PLEASE INDICATE WHICH WOULD BE YOUR 1ST & 2ND MOST CONVENIENT CITIES:
1st. London 2nd Bristol
PLEASE NOTE – owing to the numbers of people who apply – not everyone who applies for this show can be offered an audition. Auditioning does not guarantee a place on the show.
HOBBIES & INTERESTS:  (please include sports that you take part in or watch, clubs you belong to, musical instruments you can play etc)
Eating, watching the news, eating, cats, playing the mandolin, monkeys, eating cats and getting the bus.
HAVE YOU EVER APPEARED ON A TV SHOW? (Please give dates & details)
I was in Blue Peter once, they were filming the ‘Bikeathon’ in my town (SWINDON REPRESENT) and I was stood behind Liz Barker. I was 9 though.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL TALENTS?  (Funny or serious)
No I’m not special enough for talent.
DO YOU HAVE ANY UNUSUAL OR IRRITATING HABITS?
I find the sound of people being sick really funny. I also don’t like touching metal.
WHAT QUALITIES WOULD YOUR IDEAL MAN HAVE? (Looks, features, personality)
Nerdy and hilarious.
ARE ANY OF YOUR FAMILY MEMBERS SINGLE? SISTER / BROTHER / MUM / DAD / DAUGHTER / SON (Give details below of anyone aged 18+):
My older brother will always be single.
HOW DID YOU FIRST HEAR ABOUT APPLYING FOR THIS SHOW? (Please be specific, eg if it was a website please say which one or if it was an email please say who from)
I was suggesting my friend to apply but I decided I might instead.
PLEASE GIVE US THE CONTACT PHONE NUMBERS OF TWO GOOD FRIENDS OR RELATIVES THAT WE COULD CONTACT IN CASE OF EMERGENCIES: (please state relationship)
1.Bev (mum) I’m not giving you her number you perve 2.Pete (Dad) – Same again.
PLEASE  POST  FORM WITH PHOTO TO: TAKE ME OUT TALKBACKTHAMES TELEVISION 1 STEPHEN STREET, LONDON W1T 1AL OR EMAIL  WITH PHOTO TO:  takemeoutgirls@talkbackthames.tv APPLICATIONS WITHOUT PHOTOS WILL NOT BE CONSIDERED!
Will you allow us to hold this info on our talkbackThames TV contestant database?	YES
May we pass this information on to our other quiz show programmes?	YES
I confirm that I have read, understood and agree to the “Take Me Out” Application Terms & Conditions.  I confirm that all information provided herein is accurate, truthful and is in no way misleading and I consent to this information being used in the show should I be selected. SIGNED:  ............<<~~~~~~~~holly stewart~~~~~>>.   DATE:  ..15th SEPTEMBER 2010...... Print Name: ....................H O L L Y S T E W A R T...................................................... PRIVACY: We take your privacy very seriously. By submitting this application form, you consent to any personal information that you provide being used for the purpose of assessing your suitability for the Programme, and if successful, for the production of the Programme (in whatever format). If you have any questions regarding our use of your personal information please contact the Data Protection Officer, FremantleMedia Limited, 1 Stephen Street, London W1T 1AL or send an e-mail to Privacy.officer@fremantlemedia.com.  I'll let you all know how I get on.

nights out on a budget

MY HOT HOT HOT TIPS

I'm a poor person. Look at me, with my bitten nails, unbrushed hair and wild eyes. I'm p-o-o-r. Most of my friends aren't, so basically I've had to pretend I have more than 50p to my name to avoid being inside forever (like what I'm doing this weekend, I'M SO BORED SOMEONE LOVE ME FFS), and ANYWAY I think I've done quite well at it (the pretending to be classy thing)

• Drink your drink really quickly because it'll make you feel drunk even though you're not (too poor to buy a drink? read on)
• Pretend to everyone that you have this really awesome magic trick that you can do but need two pints do to it. The magic trick is drinking them both really quickly and running away.
• If you have under 18 friends, offer to go buy their cigarettes and alcohol, but sneakily pretend that it altogether costed £14 when it cost £12. Don't tell your victim. (thanks for this one, craig ; ) )
• Wearing the same thing night after night? just put on a new exciting pin badge to spruce it up, like one with your favourite monarch on or member of Girls Aloud. 
• Pretend youre famous. Like if you look vaguely like the bloke who plays Sophie Webster in coronation street, pretend you're her (nothern accent is needed) and people will be like "OH GOD YOURE MY IDOL PLEASE LET ME GET YOU DRUNK". 
• Does it cost to go into this particular place?. Hang around outside looking sad, but sexy - so someone will pay for you to go in. 
• Too ugly to play the "I'm sexy, buy me a drink?" card? Wear a mask.
• Can't find a suitable mask to fit your hideously deformed disgusting face? HIDE IN A HOLE FOREVER WHY ARE YOU EVEN ALIVE.

my guide to tricking people into thinking you're clever (and why alcohol is your friend).

~ I'm not gonna say I'm good at tricking people into thinking that I'm clever - one of my greatest acheievements being scraping a C at GCSE maths, but whatever. ~

Sometimes people can be really good at pretending that they're clever, when in actual fact theyre a bit dumb, and genuinely think that East Anglia is in Asia (I did when I was younger, but thats fine). But pretending you have brains is actually quite easy. Pronounce your Ts, wear glasses and instead of laughing, chortle. Good. You're already almost there..

Wear a motarboard when out shopping in tesco

This will enable people to know that you already have a degree, despite the fact you haven't talked to them. Even if you don't have a degree, wear one anyway. If one of your friends sees you in the Yogurt aisle pretend you're drunk and can't remember why you're wearing it.

Get Oscar Wilde quotes all over your facebook

It doesn't have to be Oscar Wilde though, it can be anyone dead. Dead people are fucking awesome. Everyone loves a dead person. Ian Curtis, Kurt Cobain, Marilyn Monroe, Ghandi, Warhol, Jim Morrison, Sylvia Plath, Ant & Dec. Basically, any intellectual who is now dead will do. Ideally someone who most people don't really know much about, other than who they are. Google them, bit of research and thats all you need. Add a couple of these into your "who inspires you" on facebook and never get questioned, and if you do, yet again pretend that you're drunk to avoid confrontation.

Pretend that you're well rounded

Not well rounded in a Javva the hut sort of way, you silly goose! I mean well rounded in for instance, sciences and languages. BUT you don't have to be, just know what EMc2 means and how to say hello in Japanese. A lot of people are too stupid to question what youre saying, and even if they do, AGAIN pretend you've drunk shit loads of Chardonnay or Port and that youre too drunk to explain. Alcohol is your friend.

Know some facts

here are some of my favourites 

• You know those pony statues you get, where there is some bloke with a mustache riding on it in bronze? Well if both the front feet of the horse is up, it means the bloke died in battle directly, if one of the front hoofs are raised, then the man died of battle-related injuries. If both are down, you can assume that the man died of something boring, like choking on a peanut or getting mowed down by a tractor.
• In the First English Civil War, Charles I's nephew, Prince Rupert of the Rhine had a pet poodle called Boye. This dog was tied up whilst Rupert was waving his sword around (not like THAT you dirty bastard) but escaped to help his tiny master. The parliamentary side captured the dog, believing it to have magical powers and being able to spy on parliament and woof back to royalist forces what their plans were. They killed the dog. 
• In major cities, the reason the wealthy side is on the West and the poorer side is on the East is generally because wind goes from West to East, and so the smell of the poor slums won't get blown towards the rich people. 
• When the world eventually gets completely nuked, the only thing surviving will be cockroaches, nappies and Nicki Minaj's butt. (silicon).
• if they ask you for more interesting facts, say that you're too drunk to remember anymore.

- if you're reading this, I'm not drunk.

hot tips for avoiding mental breakdown☨

Sometimes I rock back and forth in my chair* thinking about things that I shouldn't be think about like ponies and how many grapes I could eat in a minute (my estimate is not many because i'd give up because theyre not unhealthy for me). But more often than that I feel on the verge of a cliff due to my mum's screeching about my sniffing (not drugs kids, i mean snotty nose sniffing) and my brother crying because world of war hammer isn't loading. but I'm not a mental breakdown yet and thats because I'm a strong willed and independent woman**, like beyonce or something.


Think about or google fluffy animals

It's physically addictive, I read somewhere in the Observer that watching videos of cute animals laughing or being tickled or falling asleep quickly or getting cuddled by it's mum or eating milk and getting it on their little tiny nose gives you a chemical release which is addictive. It's DEFINITELY not just me that wants to put their tiny animal hands on your cheeks and nuzzle their belly as proven here, and also by the millions of views "penguin getting tickled" or whatever has on youtube. Try it. 


Buy a pair of ear plugs

the style above are particularly good because when you have had them in your ear for a while they'll go all waxy and ear flavoured and you can trick an enemy into thinking that they're rhubarb and custards and they'll eat them and DIE. but thats not all they're good for, last week at Glastonbury I put these in for pendulin before Beyonce so I didn't have to listen to their crappy drum and bass for emos music. It worked, I didn't hear any of it and my sanity remained intact and the greatest of all sanities. Basically, put these in everytime your Mum is hyperventilating over the fact you left some socks on the stairs. Ignorance is bliss


Keep your spell check on English (US) so you can feel smarter than a machine

My example is German, but whatever. I remember typing up notes all that time ago when I was still in free education (a whole three weeks ago!) and I wrote UK down and that little paperclip PRICK said "don't you mean US?" and it made me feel like I was better than a multi-billion pound company because at least I know that the UK and the US are different things. Since then though however, I've kept my spell check on US because if I write "flavour" it says "don't you mean, flavor?" and thats enough to give me a tiny ego boost.


Get some loser friends 

This is kind of a loose term. You just have to know you're better than them. Their weakness can be anything, pick from

• A habit of chanting "lets get fookin' mental" everytime theyre out past 11pm
• A friend with a fear of carpets
• Being unable to tell the time 
• Having their girlfriend's face printed onto a duvet
• Someone who doesn't like The Beatles

you get the jist. Hang around with them and talk about their insecurities, it'll be like opening a gaping window into their soul. they'll be vulnerable, crying about how they felt when they found out David Tennant was leaving Doctor Who and you can SWOOP in, stop them from crying and be a brilliant person and it'll feel your tiny belly with a soft "i'm so brilliant" buzz.

☨ this is absolutely not guaranteed to avoid you having a mental breakdown
* i don't even have a chair : (
** type thing.